Letters to the Editor
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How's this for judgement:
I'm going to do a little judging myself, here. LW, you sound really, really tedious. I have a nice life, too. I'm married, have a good job, went to an Ivy League college. No major fuck-ups, just some minor ones that I look back on fondly. But I have a sense of humor and a sense of fun. Relax. Enjoy your happy life. Because it would be very sad if someday you end up very lonely because no one wants to spend any time with you. Then where will all your sensible choices have gotten you?
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Oh, and....
......oooohhhh.....sykdiving.....how "nutty."
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@ how's this for judgmental
says the previous letter writer--
I'm going to do a little judging myself, here. LW, you sound really, really tedious. I have a nice life, too. I'm married, have a good job, went to an Ivy League college. No major fuck-ups, just some minor ones that I look back on fondly. But I have a sense of humor and a sense of fun.
i have to say, if, from your following letter, this is what counts as having a 'sense of humor:'
"Oh, and....
......oooohhhh.....sykdiving.....how "nutty."
then not only are you lying about having a nice life (no one as bitchy and clearly spiteful as you could possibly have the happy existence you claim) you're lying about having a sense of humor. i think it's very sweet, your attempt at sarcasm, but you clearly don't have the wit to pull it off.
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On Compassion
Compassion is not the opposite of being judgmental. And not being judgmental does not mean you are not allowed to think that the person you're talking to has made some clearly stupid decisions.
I have several friends that I love dearly, that sometimes see a bad decision and head straight for it like ducks to water. In fact, I've been friends so long with them that I can see these decisions coming long before they can, have a conversation with them about how much they should not make said decision, have them agree with me, and receive a hysterical phone call a few weeks later about the fact that they have decided to make the decision anyway, and it has, as predicted, turned out poorly. For years and years, this has gone on, and I know now that there's nothing I can do for them. They are wonderful, loving people, but I cannot help them make the decisions that would allow them to be happy. So I go, and I have the conversation in the beginning with them, and I point out the qualities that they're in denial about that make them make the bad decision, and when they make it anyway, I take their phone call and refrain as much as possible from saying "Yes, well, you SHOULD feel stupid," or "I TOLD you this would happen."
There is a Buddhist principle about happiness that they don't get: If you can have a small happiness immediately, or a large happiness in some time, it is wisdom to forgo the immediate pleasure for the larger one.
That's okay: I can accept that they have chosen their form of happiness. I can accept that they probably have some sort of issue that seems simple to me to solve that they cannot.
Compassion means that knowing they are going to make stupid decisions, I still occasionally offer solace, and I don't give up hope that eventually, they will figure out how not to fuck up. It means that I think that happiness - and learning how to make the decisions that will make oneself happy - can, to an extent, be infectious.
I was depressed for many years when I was younger. It is the happy people I have known and emulated, that have enabled me to fight that depression. Compassion means that even when they could see me making decisions that would learn to my own unhappiness, they did not remove their example from me.
It doesn't mean that one has to completely repress that fact that I think they've done something stupid, cause sometimes they need the disapproval of someone they respect. It just means that I don't disapprove and wash my hands.
PS. Perhaps the reason LW can say she has made no real mistakes is because she has learned from them. If you learn from a mistake, it is not a mistake, it is a learning experience. If you repeatedly make bad decisions, those are mistakes, because you did not see that the consequences would be the same.
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Dear Afro Goddess, it''s me 'Anonymous' who wrote about Alice's neigbor & my credit card debt.
Dear Afro Goddess,
Thanks for reading my post with such care. Had you been one of my friends, perhaps you would have spoken up for me because you might have taken that same CARE to concern yourself with my situation.
There is a 1000 word limit to posts on SALON. I already worked hard to pare it down from 1332 words.
I could write a library.
Therefore because I cannot convey all of my facts spanning 2.5 decades in a single post, nor would I have the energy, I will leave it mostly 'as is', your judgement of me.
Just a few points I might mention:
*Does it count that my mother desired my suicide?
*I was an only child and could tell no sibling.
*That she was a powerful businesswoman decorated by the government?
*That her mother hated her?
*That her mother tried to rule their family by fury and rage?
*That my mother tried to rule me with fury and rage?
*Her mother committed suicide, to spite her own son?
*That son and his wife later committed suicide?
*That my cousins, in their 60s, have now come forward and stated that my mother intimidated them and they were powerless to help me?
*My maternal aunt agreed I was persecuted but had declined to tell my children?
*I lost my memory, personality, soul - and had to construct myself.
*My mother told people I was crazy and LAUGHED while doing so.
*My mother told people I went to Seattle to join a cult. Not true.
*My mother so poisoned my children, that after her death, my son threw my suitcases on the lawn saying that I did not belong there, that I was a guest upon the land.
* That the IMMIGRATION of my new country believed my story of persecution and allowed me residential priveliges based on humanitarian reasons.
* That my mother and my ex-H so poisoned my children's minds that I could NOT have spoken to them because they had also become abusers.
* That I was hunted like prey.
* My mother's business partners who saw and agree there was viciousness by both my mother and ex-H, have declined to say this in a letter.
*That my mother favored my ex-H and eventually judged him to be so deceitful that she stated she did not want him at her funeral.
*That when I arrived in Seattle my body was slightly deformed from the weight of internalized abuse over decades?
Afro Goddess, if I were in your queendom, you would have defended me, I feel, and I would have been powerful, like you.
But, better late than never. I liberated myself. I overcame violence with non violence. I have credit card debt which I , now emotionally well, can begin to clear up. It is the least of my troubles. I am now happy and well.
Thanks for your time and trouble to read and respond to my post.