Letters to the Editor
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feel the fear
The LW believes that her good fortune is entirely due to her "sensible choices." This is a comfortable belief, because as long as she continues to make sensible choices, she will continue to enjoy good fortune. Meeting people who are having trouble threatens this worldview, unless she can convince herself that bad luck resulted from their bad choices. It's too scary to think that bad luck is random, because then it could happen to her.
Many a girl has decided to marry her high school sweetheart, only to have him dump her for someone he met in college. Many college students decide to go straight through, only to get mono or have family problems and have to drop a semester. Many people get their dream job, only to have the company bought out and everyone laid off.
LW should let herself feel the fear instead of using her judgmental side to distance herself from it. That way, she can empathize with people who are experiencing bad luck now, and she won't be completely blindsided and at a loss when her run of good luck eventually, inevitably,ends.
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Hey, compassion's lazy...
...alright, not really. But I do think a lot of what passes for compassion is at bottom apathy. "Live and let live" is perilously close to "Don't rock my boat, and I won't rock yours". At that point you're not a saint, you're an enabler. I think a real, compassionate investment in another person's life must involve judgment. For all you paranoiacs out there, I'm not suggesting some quasi-religious torture chamber. Just an uncompromising desire to see people make the most of their opportunities.
I definitely identify with LW. I work hard to do things the "right" way, and I've realized that offends some people. Well, the fact that they're offended is frustrating to me. I can't help wishing they could put all the energy they spend hating themselves and the world to better use. Why? Because I don't want things to be so bad for them. And I hate watching people underachieve.
But that's because I **respect** them. I don't judge babies or small children. I don't judge cats and dogs. And I reserve the toughest judgments for myself.
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Now what exactly is the problem ?
The LW's good decesions have had good outcomes and life is just a matter of planning. That is until the Fate decide that bad things happen to goody goodies. Which will happen at about the point in life when things get less controllable, like anyone with children learn soon enough. But in the meanwhile I would advise picking up a copy of the Great Gatsby.
As I recall, on the first couple of pages, Nick Caroway talks about reserving judgment, how dad reminded him the rest of the world may not have been born with the same advantages, and how this reserve has led to odd people confessing all sorts of weird things.
Then he spends the rest of the novel judging everyone.
It was a good book. I found Nick a likable fellow. Try emulating him.
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Editor's choice
Does anyone else notice that while letters are running about 4-to-1 in favor of "get a life, loosen up and learn humility", nearly all the "editor's choice" letters are "right on , girl, the world is full of idiots, you just need to learn to hide your scorn a little better"?
Maybe the editor wrote the letter and doesn't like all this tsk-tsking.
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goody two shoes, lighten up!
Try making a list of your own flaws. That would be a start. You can begin with being too judgemental. It's a bore. And if most of your friends are whining about their situations, you have chosen an odd lot of friends. Why are these the people who are your friends? Do you have any friends who are as perfect as you? If not , why not? Geez you don't sound like much fun.
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You don't sound like you are living a very happy life
You may eventually regret that you didn't live enough -- didn't live in the moment, love with abandon and got your heart broken, made reckless decisions that you learned from. Don't be so self-righteous.
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Unless you grew up in the projects, with a crack addict mother, and put yourself through Harvard on your own - you did NOT make all your own success in life
I, too, make mostly sensible choices. Despite that, I have had two very bad things happen to me due to bad luck. (Oh, wait, one of those things was hurricane Katrina destroying my home, and I've been told repeatedly that WAS my fault -- OK, so only ONE very bad thing happen to me that wasn't my fault.) But with persistence and all that I put my life back on track in about a year. But these bad events have made me more sympathetic. It's very hard to get your life together when things are going badly. After my beloved godson died in front of my eyes at Sunday dinner - I was late on paying some bills, I was not a great employee, I yelled at my husband for no reason, I screwed up a few things. Not horribly screwed up, but I made a lot more mistakes in my "sensible" life after bad things happened.
If I messed up (a little) after those things - how much would I mess up now if my dad had molested me? Or if my mother was a crack addict? Or if I grew up dirt poor, with no safety net, and no one teaching me financial skills? (They really should teach money management in school, since so many people don't know it.) Do I really think I'd have my middle class life if I grew up like that? People are dealing with stuff you don't know. Try to forgive them for their mistakes. Try to forgive yourself for your own mistakes, while you're at it, I'm sure you've made them - even in your perfect life. Making mistakes is being human. And being kind about mistakes is being a friend.
That being said, there are a few people who just make bad choice after bad choice. I know a couple chronic screw ups who make so many stupid decisions and complain about the consequences of those decisions all the time. I just avoid them. There is no rule that says you have to be friends with everyone! But please don't try to fake sympathy you don't feel, that drives people crazy!