Letters to the Editor
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Excellent subject
I love you for writing in about this. Because you wrote in about it, because it bothers you, because you are questioning and because you have to power to stand apart from yourself and see something.
We all are judgemental about each other's circumstances. I guess the thing that a very wise person told me once is what I try to keep in mind.
"Be kinder than is necessary, because everyone is facing some kind of challenge."
We can't know that base circumstances that cause people to make bad decisions, and while we say we know what makes good decisions, we are really just guessing there, too - we just feel better about doing it.
Be grateful for the mystery that is - at this point - your well planned and perfect life. Be sympathetic for the mystery that is others unplanned and misjudged misfortune.
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It may not be an "either/or"
This letter reminds me of the time I was about to attend the funeral of a man who had spent his last years drinking himself to death and cursing his elderly mother, with whom (and off whom) he lived. I asked a clergyman, "What in the world can one possibly say in a case like that?" He replied, "Simply say to the bereaved, 'God bless you,' and nothing more is necessary."
The LW may be trying to over-compensate. She sees clearly that some people are screwups and tries to pretend that she doesn't know what she knows. In the process, she fools no one and does an injustice to herself.
I think her clearsightedness is valuable in itself. People like her are usually the only ones willing to name "the elephant in the room" that everyone else is studiously avoiding. I don't think it's a question of either putting on a false mask or else being haughty and superior. There's a middle ground. If she meets someone who is drowning in debt, she could say, "It must be a nightmare having to deal with that. I'm sure you're probably trying to think of ways to get things back in order." If she meets someone who has taken up with a married man, she could say, "It must be a very difficult situation for you." Those things are true and, depending on how they are said, can show empathy. One doesn't have to pretend that credit card abuse is just one option among many, or that taking up with married men is just fine, when it's obvious that it's not.
I think the difference is in distinguishing obvious and irremediable cases from cases where we know too little. If one is standing next to a man dying of emphysema who has smoked 3 packs a day for years, the case is so obvious that there's really nothing to cover up or pretend, and no doubt the LW, badly as she thinks of her judgemental tendencies, would not proceed to lecture such a person. On the other hand, I once knew a man who weighed 400 pounds. Someone said to him at a party, "You really ought to trim down some." Categorically, that was true, but what the speaker didn't know was that the man had once weighed 600 pounds and had gotten down to 400 from that point.
The LW may find people reading in her face the reflection of their own folly and becoming resentful, but part of that is their problem. The LW is like one of those speed gauges posted at the side of the road that let you know you were really going 65 when you thought you were doing 55. It's reality, and there's no arguing with it. On the other hand, the LW may find that her very rectitude may encourage some people who are in the wrong to confide in her and, if she listens seriously and sympathetically, eventually open themselves to her suggestions for their improvement.
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Judgement is exhausting
Everyone suffers. In Buddhism, for example, there is the aknowledgement that life is suffering. "Complexities of misfortune", indeed! There is no escape. Dear LW, I am happy to hear that life is going well for you, but flexibility and tolerance don't seem to be a part of your current repertoire.
I read something Pema Chodron wrote about Tonglen which cultivates compassion in part by sitting with the pain of another, breathing it in and holding it as your own. I haven't been able to do this very well, but it might be a tool for you to let some of this in. Is that what you are afraid of? That if you let some of the weakness into your consciousness, your fortune will change?
I bet you are so hard on yourself. I have some experience with the burden of perfectionism and it will only drain you. Just stay with this and see where it leads you, there is more to this. I look fwd to future posts because this question is a good one.
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empathy
Usually, as people age, they make mistakes and experience misfortune to some extent. So they develop empathy for others. How one might develop authentic empathy without having any bad luck, or without making any bad choices, is an interesting question.
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perhaps inevitably,
a letter to Cary Tennis accompanied with the headline "I'm so damned judgemental!" will invite numerous scathing replies. But I'm guessing both Cary and the self-described sensible Judgy are sensible enough to realize this.
Well, although I don't want to be scathing and want to try to be constructive, I don't think excess sympathy is JJ's problem at all, but a conflicted realization that--
1.yes, you've made, generally speaking, better decisions than these people, but
2.you are jealous of them.
They are so carefree! You think this to yourself. Who wouldn't want to just buy all sorts of superficially interesting junk, or a fancier car than you need, or just impulsively fly up to Toronto for the weekend with a cute young girlfriend when he's "on a business trip," or put five grand on number 7 at the baccarat table at Monaco (via a substantially more expensive plane trip casually put on the plastic?)
Or even more modestly, just eat out all the time and get fat at the Chinese buffet like a greedy pig.
Meanwhile, perhaps you go macrobiotic and only eat whole wheat pasta and always read the label first. As far as the car goes, one, who needs 300 horsepower(you'll get there anyway, and save a bundle on insurance and tickets), and two, won't a convertible mean you'll get there with your hair messed up(and you'll make a poor impression)?
I suspect it's complicated. I happen to agree that nobody needs an overpowered high-performance car, especially those who can't afford it, and I definitely wouldn't recommend a girlfriend on the fly to a married person.
And, I DON'T want to suggest you suddenly start engaging in self-destructive behavior, and I hestitate to offer the cliche about how you should just "loosen up a little"(others undoubtedly will) because I strongly suspect that inside your tightly-coiled existence is a vulnerable person who recognizes
a potential compulsive within who might also live his life to uncontrolled excess if the right set of circumstances provided themselves. And, just as you fear the judgment of others, you also fear you'd have a hard time finding a balance if you let go. And your judgment of yourself.
Your letter makes me think of the episode of The Simpsons in which Marge became a gambling addict. I'm not trying to make fun, because I think that there's a lot of instinctive truth in that episode.
I don't know what to tell you-- it's ALSO a cliche to suggest that your recognizing your compassion deficit is the first step towards addressing it, and probably not very helpful as practical advise.
But I do think if you are in fact jealous of others whom you see as carefree as I'm suggesting, reflecting on it might be helpful.
I also wonder if you could possibly acquire a deliberate vice, one that you could do regularly without going overboard and becoming the out-of-control person whom you fear lurks within.
Is there something you'd like to do that you've never done, but which you think might make you look foolish if other people knew?* (Another thing you're jealous of is how they are(at least in your eyes, they're more resilient than you, and not crushed by humiliation or guilt as you think you'd be in their shoes.)
Bungee-jumping and performing at a karoke bar come to mind. Maybe a rich desert, say once or twice a month, at a fancy restaurant. Ok, ok, a semi-fancy restaurant.
Apart from the bungee-jumping, these are pretty safe and undramatic things that might let you get in touch with your inner Dionysian self without going overboard.
Earlier I was speaking of cars. Is there a drag-strip in your area? Many drag-strips allow ordinary people with regular automobiles to compete, usually on Friday nights. (Yes, you can rent a helmet and fire-suit.)If this appeals to you but you want the practical side of you to hold on to the reins, check with the National Hot Rod Association first to see if they're an affiliate, which would mean that they have to maintain certain safety standards, etc. (www.nhra.org)
And if you have a decidedly non-dragsterish low-performance car and the regulars snicker, screw 'em. Show up in a Geo or a Prius, for all they care. You're not there to win, just participate. But unlike the karoke or dessert, I imagine this would not be a regular trip.
Maybe none of these appeal to you. That's ok. The point is to jog your imagination, to ask yourself if there's something YOU'D like to do, within limits, that you've never permitted yourself because then you'd be like "them."
(*nothing illegal or job threatening!)
what do you think?