Letters to the Editor
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I, I. I, I
I feel infuriated I want her to share the narrative of her life, I feel this is a cut to my heart, I don't want to do a dossier..
Is the problem, maybe, that you are making what is essentially HER story all about YOU?
Maybe you don't mean to...but maybe this is, in fact, what you regularly do - take over her story and make it about you. Maybe she's protecting this story from that outcome. Maybe she feels you, in your 'tell me tell me tell me because *I* need to know' way that you just won't understand how and why the relationship was important to her.
Maybe her boyfriend belongs to some political, socio-economic, or other identifying group you've derided in the past. Maybe the boyfriend belongs to some group SHE has derided in the past - love can be strange. Maybe the relationship was complicated and your friend simply doesn't want to go through the arduous process of trying to make you see and understand it the way she saw and understood it - maybe the guy was married, with kids. There are so many reasons that have nothing to do with you why she might not want to share the details.
Maybe by not sharing the story of this man she is not cutting your heart, as you feel, but simply protecting her own.
I wouldn't take Cary's approach if I were you - that approach is still all about you, which I think may be the issue here (and please don't take that to heart, or get angry or upset; it's not meant in a judgmental or mean-spirited way; it may just be your way of trying to relate and empathize with people and there's nothing wrong per se about that, it just isn't working in this case with this friend).
Instead, you might want to try communicating more along the lines of how SHE feels: I am sorry for pushing so hard to hear about your relationship. It's clearly something you want to keep private, and I haven't been respecting that. Let me just say that I hope the relationship was a good experience for you and left you happier and wiser after than before, and I promise not to badger you anymore about it. And that if I've somehow not been the friend I should, if I've made you uncomfortable with sharing the intimate details of your life, I hope you trust me enough to tell me what I need to know in order to be a better friend to you.
Say this cheerfully, not dramatically. No making it about you by getting choked up at the end: If (sniff)..I...haven't (sniff) been the friend..(gasp) that I should... If YOU have created some problem that makes her reticent about telling you about this relationship and/or other things, you've now opened the door for her to discuss it. But maybe she'll just smile and nod and remain reticent, becaus the relationship and her reticent about it are about her, not you.
Your friend went through something. You didn't. She didn't take you along on the journey. She didn't even write. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It just means it's about her, not you. Try to accept that you do not know everything about your friends, nor are you entitled to. Working hard to remain a good friend means, sometimes, accepting them on their terms as well as, or even instead of, your own.
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Simple: stop. putting.so.much.psycho.energy.into.it.
Cut her loose -- she seems to be barely a friend anyway.
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Nobody's Owed a Thing
LW, apparently this friend wanted to keep the relationship under wraps for any number of reasons: perhaps it was an experiment with sexuality, perhaps it was an illicit affair, who knows. Now it's over.
But what comes across here is something that perhaps she detected about you long ago: You're more interested in being entertained with a "narrative" (puh-leeze), than your friend's well-being. You don't even care if she changes the name, gender, age--you just want to hear something, even if it's fake. Perhaps she didn't want to share her deepest feelings and thoughts and experiences with you because you haven't really reciprocated over time, and haven't proved trustworthy with very intimate and/or potentially shocking information.
Cary is on the money about two things: that your interest can come across as offensive and invasive, and that you can tell her yet that you really care, and it was hurtful for you to be kept out of her confidence. Then take in how she reacts.
Sometimes you have to let a person close to you go through something and move on. Sometimes they'll come back to you, but sometimes not. But we all have our secrets, and if you want to maintain what you THINK is a close friendship, then you should back off, let her know you care, not press her for details, and get close in a way that lets her feel that you're caring and trustworthy (getting a mutual friend involved didn't help in that regard).
Also: How did you feel that she wasn't in touch with you during that time to see how you're doing? If she was so involved in her situation and didn't contact you for such a long time with no explanation, then just how close a friend has she considered you to be?
A mature, caring person would stand back and let someone breathe. You may have been too over-eager, curious, and overwhelming for her think of you as someone she can talk things over with confidentially in a quiet, intimate way.
The fact that your anger about not hearing what your enquiring mind wanted to know overshadows your concern for her well-being speaks volumes. Maybe you should reflect on the nature of friendship and, before you define what kind of friend she is or isn't, you should consider the kind of friend you have been all along.
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Honesty
A true good friend doesn't hold back whole parts of their life from you, even if they are embarassed. They eventually come clean, but give them a chance.
Cary is right, tell them you are not interested in judging or titallation, but interested in your friend. Be patient though, for some reason your friend has issues with their last choice, and since it ended, probably recognizes the mistake and maybe embarassed or even ashamed.
Don't write them off just yet.