Letters to the Editor
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male pattern BOLDNESS
Cary is absolutely right -- youth is an illusion. We're all lucky to be alive, and balness is a very minor indignity in the grand scheme.
Everything will go. The really good thing about baldness is that it doesn't affect anything important. If your boyfriend were losing his eyesight, or his ability to get a hard-on, then you'd have real issues to attend to. Baldness is merely a fashion problem. He used to wear his hear this way; now he'll have to wear his hair that way.
Here are some reasonable solutions to balding:
-- Shave your head. It works for some, depending on head shape. Get a pair of clippers and try it! It's fun to mess with your hair.
-- Try a nice short style of haircut.
-- Get some cool hats. He'll be getting more sunburns on top, so he might as well explore the world o' hats. Baseball caps are the lamest option. Skull caps are kinda cool.
-- I don't recommend trying to de-emphasize the head by growing a goattee. Many men do this, and it's rather lame in my opinion. But there are quite a few options for rearranging the follicle emphasis in the cranial region. Maybe you could go with your boyfriend to a professional salon and see what they have to say?
-- There are expensive scalp medications that supposedly slow down hair loss. Do some research on this before you dive in. Some of the medications have unfortunate side effects. Many of them are also expensive. My view is, if nature's going to take your hair, it's going to get what it wants eventually.
-- Work out a lot more. Okay, so the hair isn't as sexy. Get some muscles! Get a flat sotomach and a few abs! It feels good! Who'll notice your hair?
-- Remove all double mirrors from your house: For example, if you own a medicine cabinet, never open it, thus avoiding a triangularized back-of-head view. Never go to a store with a three-way-mirror, and always make sure you're directly facing anybody who has a camera. When you get a haircut and they give you a hand mirror so they can swivel you around for a back view, put your foot down and say "NO" to swiveling! Pretend your hair is thick, go deep into denial, and never look back...literally! (Yes, I am joking)
-- Look carefully at both grandpas' hair (or meditate on what they were like when they were alive). Look carefully at the rest of his appearance, and his demeanor and personality. Which are the most important qualities? I'm guessing his hair wasn't why you loved him.
-- Avoid tattoos and other junk to de-emphasize the hair. People who fall into these traps are stupid. Save your money. Which do you respect more, people who go overboard trying to stave off their loss of youth, or people who gracefully accept change and learn to live with it?
-- See the "Samson & Delilah" story for the B.S. misogynist metaphor it always has been. The connection between hair and virility is a cruel and irrational form of symbolism that has no relation to reality. Many bald men in history kicked serious ass and attracted serious love-action. Yul Brenner could walk into a room and pick out any woman he wanted for a night of lovemaking. Bruce Willis could do the same and probably is doing so right this second. You go, Bruce!
-- Laugh at yourself! Look at pictures of your head and laugh at the joke life is playing! Ha ha, you're not all that! Narcissism is for pussies anyway. Life is bigger than you are and will kick your ass. That's a lesson only a real man can learn.