Letters to the Editor
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Betrayed by people she trusted
Cary, I think, is exactly right. Any kind of relationship severing is like an ostracism and humans are very, very social creatures. It's hardwired into us at deep levels and there is great anxiety to be rejected by one person, let alone a group.
This young woman's anxiety and trauma is real and justified. My heart goes out to her and I wish her recovery and security.
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New book topic?
All these letters of humiliation an betrayal have me nearly in tears. With every post, I am feeling some pain and the image of each "character" is clear. I wonder if there is a way to put these all together and make one big "black comedy"? You know, something like Fargo, but about the bullies/pack/group who did someone wrong. In the past it seems this is fodder for some sci fi and superhero characters, but am thinking it belongs in a more current arena.
This is a heartbreaking thread in our history. As an example of one that was written in 1897, Thomas Mann's Tobias Mindernickel, the short story about an outcast who is taunted until nudged into his own cruelty and eventual madness. Certainly not comedy, but another approach.
Here is an idea: Cary, I'll take your class and begin writing on this topic. My images of this pain into reality. I am posting this, LW, to prove to you that this can be grist for your mill in some way. You'll find what it is, sooner or later and hey, you never know.
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Living well is the best revenge
You are upset and angry because you've been betrayed. You're questioning your judgment for being taken in by your so-called friends and perhaps grieving a bit for friendships that turned out to be based on lies. These feelings are normal and natural, so don't feel bad or think less of yourself for them. They will lessen in time.
Meanwhile, you can use this experience to gain wisdom and empathy for the outsider, the bullied, the underdog. Realize that you are better off without these people in your life. Continue your studies. If you feel dissatisfied about your appearance, try a mini-makeover: exercise, update your wardrobe, hairstyle, and makeup (if you wear it), eat healthier foods, etc. Cultivate new, "real world" friends and hobbies. Get involved with your church if religion is your thing. Change your surroundings. You need to be moving forward. Living well is the best revenge.
And stay away from Facebook. It's the nuisance bar of the Internet.
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old wounds
I was the new girl in the 5th grade. Some girls befriended me, but I was shy. I came from the next city over where all the factories were. I came from a "bad neighborhood". The girls who befriended me wrote horrible insulting notes about my weight and where I came from. I didn't say anything (coming from an abusive home I just took it). I withdrew even more to the point where the girls outted themselves in their attempt to get a reaction out of me.
That was 20 years ago. I remember. I never made a close friend in that town and when I graduated I didn't go back until last year. Nothing changes. The misunderstandings and wrong perceptions and general wrongs were there as if I'd never been away. It hurt because I see that they never knew me - they had no idea what I'd been through both in the past and in the present. For an instant I thought I should let them really know me, but then I realised that they aren't worth it.
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Three Cheers for Cary!
Cary has pinpointed the cause of much angst for current college students. I am a 21-year-old lesbian, college student attending a smaller University. I too have faced the frustrations of Facebook. Yes, the is statement is in the past tense. This is all due to my recent discovery of the magical tool Cary references. It is called the 'log off' button. What freedom it has brought! I no longer spend hours agonizing over the inner workings of shallow cliques that should have met their natural demise shortly after high school. So trust me sister - if I can do it, you can do it! Best of luck & if you ever need moral support, drop me a line. Just don't Facebook friend me.
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The Year of Living Dangerously
I was also a shy, sheltered 21 year old (female) college student. I was way out of my depth at the sophisticated, wealthy university I attended. While I wasn't betrayed the way you were, I was conscious of being very much the bumpkin, and my friends were sort of jerky about it.
So, when I graduated, I made a decision. I made a decision to consciously expand my horizons and myself. I made a decision to say "Yes" to opportunity, no matter how outrageous. I called it my Year of Living Dangerously.
It was a great year. Whenever anybody asked me if I wanted to go someplace or learn something I automatically said "Yes." Now I'm not advocating placing yourself in a position to catch a disease or get physically hurt, but just that when someone asks you if you want to be the fourth crewmember on a sailboat to Antarctica, you say "Yes." When someone asks for volunteers to take SCUBA training, you say "Yes." When you get an opportunity to go to a conference, or to the farm of a friend of a friend for dinner, or even to run an errand in a part of town you've never visisted, you say "Yes." And the opportunities DO come. They are everywhere.
My Year of Living Dangerously turned into 5 years, then 10, then my life. I'm starting to feel less dangerous these days, and maybe I need to have another Year. This time with my husband and 4 kids.
I recently looked up all those old "friends" from college. They are back in their hometowns, married, divorced, remarried. Doctors, lawyers. Not an Antarctic scuba diver among them. I feel very sorry for them, when I even remeber their names.
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looking beyond the cruelty
Dear LW,
I agree with what most people have said here - this is something that happens to many of us**; it is a fairly recent wound, in your case, so of course you're still feeling the pain; and just because they said things doesn't make them true, right, or definitive. And I'm so sorry this happened to you - it's an awful thing, and they'll probably never take responsibility for their cruelty, even to themselves.
But there's one piece of advice I haven't seen that I think could be helpful - one of the best ways to stop hating yourself is to think beyond yourself. I'm sure you're not as ugly as you think. But regardless, there are so many ways you can be useful and needed in the world (and you probably already are). Volunteer or work for a cause you believe in. When you start focusing on things you can do, rather than straining and struggling to judge what you are, life (in my experience) becomes much more rewarding.
**When I switched to a private school in 5th and 6th grades, I was nerdy and shy and physically awkward, and my classmates took to calling me "dog." The one girl who was nice to me at first stopped talking to me one day without warning or explanation. It was hell, and I remember every bit of it. I'm now 27. I did get over it, a few years later, by finding people who liked me and respected me for the things I was good at. But it took me even longer than that to believe that i wasn't ugly.