Letters to the Editor
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everyone
Pretty much everyone has had an encounter while young which will literally bring them to tears if they remember it, even years later. The exceptions are those people who were bullying instead of being bullied. The most popular girl in my high school, valedictorian, cheerleading captain, homecoming queen, said at our reunion that what she remembers most is the time the class jerk ragged on her publically for wearing the same outfit twice in one week. At least he attacked her to her face; you were attacked behind your back, and it makes perfect sense that you're having trouble getting over the feeling that other people are lying to you. These people damaged your trust.
Anyway. I'm sorry you don't like your face. I'm a character creator for video games, and I love "ugly" people. Pretty people look a lot alike. I spend a lot of time searching for interesting character faces. If I saw you, I might say, "Wow, what a great face." Some of the best looking people in the world aren't great beauties.
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You should do what you want
LW,
I'm a female, straight but tending toward androgynous in appearance.
Seven years ago, when I was around the same age as you, I was as nice as I could have been to a guy who at first liked me, and then as he realized our incompatibilities, came to resent me. One breezy day by the sea, he complained, "You're weird! You ate that whole jalapeño pepper!" followed by, "You're not cute! You don't like to be cute!" followed by, "I need a woman."
He went on to marry a blue-haired tomboy who liked to put Ethiopian injera bread on her face for fun.
A few years later, during a major disagreement with another potential romantic interest, it became apparent that he and I just couldn't be friends. Earlier that year, when he'd visited the city in which my older sister lived, I arranged for him to meet her, and she'd obliged for a few hours. At the time of the disagreement, I was going through a rough time--on an international trip, very ill, and inexcusably bullied by my sister. Afterward, I wrote him a lengthy apology and accepted the end of our friendship. He replied to say we still couldn't be friends, he would've agreed with the way my sister treated me, and he always knew he'd get along with her better. I was so stunned I could hardly write to anyone from college for a year.
He's married now. Someone loves that son of a bitch! Go figure. Someone loved Hitler, Saddam, and Ivan the Terrible. Meanwhile, I'm still chugging along, getting older, holding the pain inside and it's holding me back from connecting emotionally with other people. I am well-educated, but I hold menial day jobs because I haven't gained the confidence to take on challenges.
I am seeing a therapist who emphasizes that I am good and want to do the right thing. Why? Because it is true, and it's true of you, too. The value of having a therapist who acknowledges your intrinsic goodness is immeasurable.
Some things are terribly difficult to get over. Just because they happened so long ago with people you don't see anymore doesn't mean they didn't have an impact. Like all other memories--favorite books, something the dog did, a day at the lake--they get burned into the brain, and it takes time and effort to fill one's life with enough positive things to diminish the significance of the hurtful words. They'll always twinge a little, but they don't have to affect you as much as they do now.
The twinges will remind you not to be like them.
I think you're aware that you're wise and mature for your age and state in life. You continue the way you are because you are genuine. You have more of what your peers--and many of my peers--lacked in college: compassion. Compassion is gold. You'd think that everyone, being human, would have it, right? Wrong. So, so wrong.
The people who have caused you pain deliberately are not worth liking. They're not even worth the time of day. They are lower than you. You are better than them.
Fill your life with what you love and like. Keep at it until you're buried under an avalanche of things you have done for yourself. Visit the Amazon. Take mentally retarded kids on a road trip. Volunteer for something that requires manual labor (quite satisfying). Don't be afraid of your values. It's ok to feel a little morally superior--your compassion and tact will anchor you and keep you from righteously impaling your enemies.
You know your path, and it's a sloggy one. Stick to it. If goblins get in your way, talk back and kick ass.
Good luck, godspeed, and timshel.
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Betrayal
This hurts. It will continue to hurt. It won't stop hurting until you find yourself somewhere else, with people who like you. Those people who hurt you? They're everywhere. They're the squishy middle of humanity. They are fluff.
What're they going to learn soon? That the world doesn't revolve about them, and that no one actually gives two farts in hell what they think.
I value authenticity. This will be a hard road for you, but lick your wounds, learn from them, and keep your eyes and ears open for like-minded people. We're out here. We'll love you. Don't panic.
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just like high school
It's odd that going to college was once a good way to start out with a clean slate, or at least to shrug off the labels we'd all been given in high school--"jock," "geek," "slut," etc. With Face Book and other online fora of their ilk, we've taken high school to college and beyond. I teach at a university and am bemused by each new crop of students, who seem to be less mature than the previous ones. I agree with Carey and others that you should stay away from the net and cultivate your own personality in a place where you feel comfortable. Fortunately, in most places where you can pursue and advanced degree, there will be a fair percentage of educated people who will accept you as you are. It may take some time, but be yourself, and eventually you'll find people who make you feel human again.