Letters to the Editor
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shattered trust
Baker Street,
I went through something kinda similar and have also had a really hard time understanding / accepting how difficult it's been to get over what happened.
Like you, I assumed responsibility, sought help, apologized to the extent that I could, and tried to change whatever in me 'made' this happen.
And, also like you, I can be very down on myself, focused on my shortcomings and all that is wrong with me, how much I hate myself, my looks, all that I don't know, etc.
The thing is, when I read your letter, I get very angry for you.
Maybe you'd feel better if you got a little angry, too?
You seem focused on righting the situation, when these 'friends' are the ones who have wronged you.
The problem isn't you, your naïveté, your social awkwardness, your face. It's not "that what those friends and acquaintances posted was really close to the truth that [you] knew and didn't want to see."
There's no excuse for the way these people ridiculed and demeaned you behind your back while pretending to be your friends. None. They are backstabbing cowards, who should at least have had the balls to apologize to you if they had a shred of sensitivity.
They've managed to damage not only your capacity for trusting others, but also your ability to trust yourself, your feelings, needs, perceptions and experience. Talk about disorienting.
I have never treated people in the way I was treated, and I bet you haven't, either. In fact, I've defended people I didn't even know from this kind of mob action (including someone who attacked me.) I just don't get the 'fun' in deliberately putting down others and hurting them.
I'm sorry for what happened to you. Thanks for having the courage to speak up about it. Please don't let these people fill you with self-doubt a moment longer. It probably isn't any consolation, but your letter and the empathetic responses are illuminating and enormously comforting to me right now.
Best wishes.
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LW, Remember, The Net isn't the real world
it's often just a fishbowl version of the petty dramas that happen in life. I think the reason it hurt so much is that this felt so public. The net can distort and amplify conflicts that used to be plain old gossip. I think that's a part of this that makes you feel so betrayed.
One reader commented that we all make snipes and gripes about even our friends and partners behind their back. It's just that we don't do it on Facebook! (at least if we're out of school) This reality show/chatroom culture magnifies the stupidest things into epic proportions. Just don't let it destroy your trust in others and yourself, LW. Your growing pains are unfortunately subject to the very weird culture we currently live in today. I'd be devastated if I saw some of the bitchy things my friends have said about me (and vice versa) on the web. But fortunately for you, nobody with any sense believes (or even READS!) 95% of what's online. There's a lotta crap out there and it's all buried and forgotten 24 hours later.
And I'm sure you can think of things about them that bugged you- it's just that you didn't post it. So why did they? Who knows? Maybe it's like one reader said in that your ex-boyfriend took all the friends with him (maybe he's even going out with a girl in that circle who turned him and them against you? Who knows-- groups of young people tend to get irrationally intense, especially when sex & love get into the picture.)
I hope this can help you put their comments into perspective. I hope you can feel better about yourself and move on- good luck!
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time to move on, kiddo
so a few people bonded over how oh-so-superior they felt to you. that sucks, but says more about them than it ever will about you. they are completely irrelevant and not worth a millisecond more of your time. don't waste precious energies on this frightful distraction. you're selling yourself and all your possibilities way too short for people who simply do not matter one tiny little bit.
chin up, sister. there's a whole world outside your head. as the headmaster in Little Miss Spider says,
"Our gifts, they are many:
We hop, fly, and crawl.
But kindness, he said,
Is the finest of all."stay on the sunny side of the street.
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Where's Cary?
No new column for two days & no notice on the front page of Salon as to why. What's the deal?
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This horoscope is for you, regardless of your sign
"Why fight for rights that are already yours? Why sacrifice yourself for the benefit of people who wouldn't fully appreciate your gifts? And why are you even thinking about dividing when you should be multiplying? Any of these acts would be a crime against yourself. So listen up: You just have to hold out a little longer. If you can avoid running up a big karmic debt in the next few days, if you can refrain from hurting yourself in a misguided attempt to fix situations that can't be fixed, you'll be home free. Soon the whole cast of monsters, demons, and goons will pack up their inane torture devices and go trundling back to the hells where they came from."
"HYPOTHESES: Evil is boring. Cynicism is idiotic. Fear is a bad habit. Despair is lazy. Joy is fascinating. Love is an act of heroic genius. Pleasure is our birthright. Receptivity is a superpower."
: )
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I can tell you why I would feel bad
Let's cut the fuzzy stuff. I can tell you exactly why I would feel bad if I were in this position. I would feel bad because I would feel helpless. Learned helplessness creates depression in lab rats (see the research done by Martin Seligman, for example), so why would anyone be surprised that the infinitely more complex and sensitive brain of a human being would be severely jarred?
I was libeled by a website, and I had ALL posts about me removed with a single well-written registered letter. Cost, under 12 bucks. (It was really pretty cool.) See whether you can do the same thing. To have made changes in your life based on what these SCUM said about you bogles my mind. They are the ones who need to make changes, first and foremost. They are vile. Don't you get that? And for heaven's sake, why are you still groveling? The change you need to make is to get that stuff about you off the Internet, and to see whether you can take action against those who harmed you. You'd be surprised how a very nice letter of apology sent to you in care of your attorney would turn things around for you in a flash.