Letters to the Editor
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There's a lot of weirdness to this letter
Weird stuff here:
"I have a friend who is 41 years old and has had this girlfriend for about four years now. She is 23."
Okay, that's a bad start. Letter Writer, can you explain to us all why a 41-year-old man is getting serious with a 23-year-old? Why is he so deluded? 23-year-old woman are guaranteed to wanter, stray, cheat, and otherwise overcomplicate a guy's life.
"She has recently moved out of his house, claiming she wanted "her space," since she has never lived on her own before."
The LW is revealing her bias. (I say "her" bias because Cary, who must know LW's email name, treats the LW as a female, alluding to blow jobs.) LW's first hint is the use of the word "claiming," which is loaded with doubt. Then LW puts "her space" in quotes, nevermind that there's no way that could be a quote since it's in the third person. LW might have a bit too much invested in this whole scenario.
"(She lived with her parents before she moved in with him.)"
Another sign that the dejected man has issues. What on earth is a 40-something man doing picking up on a girl who can't even support herself? What would Nabokov say? The problems here run far deeper than somebody sulking after being dumped.
"However, he is heartbroken and wants her back and seems to think there is a chance of that."
Even if there were a chance of winning her back (probably around the time she runs out of money), the LW needs to convince this man that he's lucky he got out when he did. He might have gotten her pregnant again, or gotten legally entangled via marriage, or gotten a disease, or gotten ripped off. LW, tell your friend that he's lucky to be free. Being involved with a 23-year-old loser chick when you're in your 40s is something that has to end.....so be glad it did, dude.
"Also, she has a 7-year-old child."
LW, why aren't you telling your pal how lucky he is? 7-year-olds are obnoxious brats. Especially 7-year-olds who are raised by teen mothers with absent teenage-jerk fathers. Put aside your White Knight Syndrome. Break free.
"She said to my friend that one of the reasons she is leaving is she didn't think that he loved her child. Is that a bullshit accusation or what? He is a nice man and he did indeed love the child."
LW further reveals bias. How does LW know it's a bullshit accusation? How does LW know that he "indeed" "loved" the child. What, can LW see into the man's heart? (Or is LW the man in disguise?) I'll wager the man's version of "loving" the child was immature and half-assed. Sure, he set up a room for the kid. Big whoop. That could just as easily have been his bait to convince his 23-year-old plaything to stick around longer. I seriously doubt he "loved" the kid, who, after all, was the product of his young lover's mindless teen years, probably fathered by some pimply-faced burger-flipper.
"I am having a hard time saying the right things to make him feel better."
Why are you trying to say the "right" things? That sounds bizarrely obsequious. The guy made his bed, let him lie in it. Again, he obviously has deeper issues than just a bad break-up. Why did he get involved with miss screw-up to begin with? What led him to that? What prevented him from meeting somebody on his level? Does he need to feel power over somebody in order to feel wanted? What's wrong with the guy?
I would say don't worry about making him feel better. Slowly taper off his conversations about the subject. Next time you see him, give him 30 minutes to discuss it, and that's it. After that, give him 25 minutes. Then 20, 15, 10, 5. By then tell him you can't keep talking about it, that he needs to find a creative outlet.
The best cure for somebody's misery, from an outsider's perspective, is to take that person out to go DO something -- something different, interesting, involving, healthy, etc. Go river-rafting. Hike the Pacific Crest Trail. Make a replica of the space station Mir out of balsa-wood. Anything.
And tell him never to expect a 23-year-old to stick around for his shriveled middle-aged-man's penis ever again.
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Age is a factor
I'm amazed at all of these letters back and forth either slapping the 41 year old dude on the back for landing some young thang, or condemning him for the same. The point here is that while the 23 year old woman is still a newbie at adulthood, the 41 year old has been an adult for some time now. I think most of us knows that guy who consistently dates women 20 years younger than himself. I roll my eyes, pray for love but really find it a bit creepy.
As a woman, perhaps I put too much emphasis on the "talking" stuff of a relationship, but really, where was this relationship going? What on earth would they talk about? Did they share similar levels of experience and sophistication on a wide variety of topics? If so, one of them is either super mature or super stunted. I understand heartbreak for sure, but even when I was 30 I was over the extended mooniness over a failed relationship. After awhile, you learn to just move on.
That he's pining over this woman for so long makes me think that perhaps he had the emotional makeup of a 16 year old, and she left him because she was 'too old' for him. Or perhaps she realized he only wanted her for her body and wisely called it off, intuiting that truth and realizing that someday she'd be old and grey and they had nothing to talk about at the end of the day. Sure, perhaps it was a great love, but nine times out of ten (I'm being generous), such a May-December romance is exploitative, with power flowing from the older and richer party.
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41 year olds shouldn't be dating 23 year olds
Much less 37 year olds shouldn't be dating 19 years olds--they had been dating 4 years! and lived together. She was far too young for that.
This girl bacame an adult while dating this guy and realized she almost missed her young adulthood in this inappropriate relationship. Luckily she woke up and will now be able to go out with her friends and people her own age, do the things 23 year olds do.
Maybe your friend can do the same thing: go out with people his own age. Find people who are in the same stage in life and forge a real relatioship based on a partnership, not an unever power trip.