Letters to the Editor
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Cary can I try your crystal ball?
You seem so certain she won't be back.
She might be. After all, she is not quite on the responsibility track. Pregnant at an appallingly young age. Her child doesn't live with her. She has never been on her own. She might decide the old fella is okay after all -- once she has sowed a few oats. However, I won't place any bets.
LW, just treat your friend like you normally would. You don't need to help him come to terms with his loss. Time will probably heal him, or she may remain forever the one who got away.
Sorry for the cliches. The whole scenario seems like a cliche.
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uh, hello "david smith"
First, I am a guy, not am embittered 40 year old woman or something, and I find this dude pathetic. Your comment stating that those of us that think this guy is a moron are "puritans" shows that *you* have an extremely judgmental and narrow view of the world.
I don't care if you or the dude in the letter lust after 16 year old roller skaters or whatever flips your switch in your little apartments, but I DO know that this scenario makes for disaster and any dude at 41 decrying the loss of a college student who had a baby at 16 is just DUMB.
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Questions
The age difference isn't specifically a moral issue, given that both are (and were) adults. But the details raise some questions - like why was her child living with her parents while she was living with the guy? It seems either she wasn't taking her parental responsibility or the guy really didn't like her child.
So maybe he is a nice guy who just happened to fall for a young woman. But if that's the case, or he always goes for young women, encourage him to focus on someone old enough to have already left home next time.
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Actually, 41 year old men SHOULD be dating 23 year old women...
...but not if she got knocked up at age 16. And he definately shouldn't live with her. She did him a favor by leaving. He should consider himself lucky and move on. There are many more young women out there without that kind of baggage that would make him just as happy, if not more so.
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Maturity, not age, the issue
To equate level of maturity with chronological age as a hard and fast rule does not allow for the whole spectrum of people that inhabit our world. Yes, this particular woman may be immature and not a suitable match for this man. Yes, this man may be immature in his relationship choices. However, the LW didn't give us enough details or ask us to make these judgements. What the LW did ask is a question that can apply to each of us with our own friends: "How do I best offer support and compassion to a friend dealing with loss when I feel the loss was in his own best interest?" The answer to this vital question is relevant to the loss of romantic relationships, friendships, jobs, housing situations, etc. Trashing the LW's friend and/or ex-girlfriend has no relevance to helping the LW be a good friend.
And to those who feel that 20's/40's age differences always say something unflattering about the participants, I ask you to reserve your judgments to individual cases. I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 39. We are both mature, educated, stable people. Ten years on, with two children, we are still happy.
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How old are you?
Who cares how old people are? Man, woman, hermaphrodite? Really, does it matter? This seems to be a common thread, the age of whomever is writing or is written about, and it's been done to death.
No pun.
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A healthy dose of cynicism
. . .does seem appropriate here. Given the observable behavior of the vast majority of 19-23 year old women whom I've known (and having been one myself), I wouldn't place bets on that age group to be particularly stable or good prospects for a long-term relationship, especially with an older man, and ESP. if the relationship started when she was *19*. There's a big difference, in my experience, between even (say) 27 and 23, and a HUGE difference between mid-twenties and 19. Regardless of how similar young women at these ages may appear to older men, a lot changes, and a lot of growing up is typically done, in those years.
All of which is to say that I would second those in guessing (just giving odds here) that this girl won't be back.
That said, who can blame the poor guy for falling in love at 37 with a 19-year old, presumably attractive, who also presumably loved, relied on, and admired him when they got together? Poor kid. I feel for him. I think Cary's right on - he will have to mourn, and draw his own conclusions - age-based, or just maturity-based (as many have rightly pointed out, those aren't always the same thing) - about whom to date next based on his experience. Good luck to him, and to you also.
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to anonymous
That's just silly. Age is a pretty good predictor for a lot of things. Would you give the same career advice to a 40 year old as you would to a 20 year old? Do you consider most 19 year olds to have had, typically, as much of a chance to gather wisdom as a 60 year old? Please.
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I wouldn't either...
I would not drink a lot with him, or sleep with him to make him feel better, or give him a blow job, or try to fix him up with other people right away, or buy him a membership to a strip club.
It sounds like you've given this particular set of options a lot of thought.
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I was 38
dating a 21-year-old. And after we stopped dating we've stayed friends and it's been a few years and we still are very good friends. Because friendship came first, because we actually had lots to talk about, politics, books, etc. There's smart and well-read people in their early 20s and boring idiots of 40.
Oh, I'm a woman, he's a guy.
That said there wasn't anything in the letter telling us this guy and this girl had any more common interests besides I guess her kid, and she really really sounds like she's moved on.