Letters to the Editor
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Keeping the hope alive
Wow great responses to this LW!! I especially love the advice from many posters to live life and fill our souls with the things that make us whole people. I'm encouraged that there are so many people out there who feel and acknowledge this basic life goal. So thanks posters for making my day!
That said, I'm a 45 yo woman who's already had and raised kids. My tubes are tied and I'm finished with that life. I divorced my second husband at 41 and re-entered the dating scene. I found myself attracted to younger men, in their thirties. I'm the one who brings up the "kid question" because I want to be clear. My last boyfriend was 9 years younger than me and when I asked him, in the beginning, if he wanted kids, he said, "yeah, of course I want kids, but if that doesn't happen, it's ok." Now he's with a woman who's his age and also wants kids. So, I think men don't necessarily tell the truth about wanting kids or not. Sometimes, I think they're not sure themselves.
So, in the aftermath of my last relationship, I sit here and try to fill my own soul and be the best person I can be while keeping hope alive that I'll meet someone who feels the same way--and doesn't decide later that, yes, in fact he does want kids. But, I can't control the universe. Who knows what the future may bring? I try to be open to the possibilities. I think that's one of the LW's main problems, she's closed herself off from the possibilities.
Good luck to all of us 40 something women!
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I need some empirical data here, just for curiosity sake.
I was wondering where and how the older women who wrote in to say they were with much younger men, managed to meet and attract them?
I am also interested in the opposite situations, where the younger men wrote about their being involved with much older women. Again how did your relationships develop, again where and how did you meet them?
I am a 51 year old, married woman, who, IS NOT in the market to meet any man interested in dating or starting an illicit affair with me, but I am VERY curious as to how I would go about meeting and starting a new relationship with a much younger man, if, say I was divorced, and available. Again, let me stress that this information is only requested to assuage my curiosity.
Thanks in advance for any information or answers to my question.
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Selfish?
Men who want something different from what you want are selfish? Cary is right, you just sound bitter.
Even if we already have kids, the chance to do it again and maybe do it better than we did the first time is very compelling. And as unfair as it seems to you, this is something we get that you don't. On top of that, acknowledging that we will procreate no longer is a big, difficult step. Would you do it if you didn't have to?
If you are looking for real, romantic love, you didn't have it from those 3 guys. Either they wanted kids more than they wanted you, or they used kids as an excuse to get out of the relationship.
You seem smart and accomplished, but maybe that is leading you to miss something obvious when choosing your relationships, probably because its obvious. Before you get really serious in a relationship, find out if the guy wants kids. Don't assume that because he is with a 47 year old and saying he wants a long term relationship that he is past that. Find out. Make him really think about it, because he probably hasn't, or find out what his thoughts are if he has. Don't do it too soon, of course :) But when things seem to be going to the next level, find out before either of you gets hurt.
You need to find a guy who has has a vasectomy, or can't have kids for some other reason. Puts you on an even playing field. But even then, the topic of adoption may come up, so be ready.
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weighing in
Hmmm, interesting letter. I'm a woman, a little older than the LW. I've dated a lot since my divorce 4 years ago, and currently I'm in a LTR with a really nice guy.
I don't agree that men our age only want women who are willing to have children. I don't think wanting to have kids is bad of course---hey, any person can go for what they want, can't they?--but obvs I'm too old for that.
Actually, I haven't run into these guys much while dating.
Perhaps it's because I have two children already who are under 10 years old? So anyone I'm dating already knows this...and if they like/want children, they get a chance to see what it's like (& then some!). Some guys like the idea of maybe eventually someday helping me raise my kids if things work out between us, other men seem kind of scared off by the responsibility and time commitments.
Perhaps it's also because I try to find a way to drop my real age into the conversation pretty early on when I start dating someone (I look much younger than I am)....so they can do the math themselves if they're only focused on finding someone to have kids with.
The only "rule" I can say that I've learned from my dating experiences is that for me, I would only date divorced men in the future. It's just anecdotal information you understand, but the men I've dated who are my age but who have never been married all turned out to be peter pan types. They had a hard time with the idea of me having responsibilities (kids, jobs) that took precedence over seeing them any time they wanted, so we ended up having a lot of conflicts.
As for all men our age being spoiled, well, I say it depends on the man. Many men are; many men aren't. But you do have to look closely at the guy to figure out where he's coming from, you can't "just assume" anything.
Oh, and personally, I go for men slightly older than me. They're lots more interesting conversation-wise, they're more interested doing the types of things I like to do, they tend to be more self-confident and sexually experienced, and they're more finacially stable. Kind of like me, I guess. Yeah, I'm that woman who'd rather fly to London with my guy for the weekend than watch a pro bowl game on TV with him in a bar somewhere.