Letters to the Editor
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mattwa33186
Sorry, I should have been more specific, but that remark about autism/asperger's was just intended as an aside...
I wasn't really suggesting that the LW use that information to try and change a man's mind, only that if she felt mean enough (i.e., hurt enough) it would be a good parting shot. But that would not be true for everyone. And, of course, that would not be an effective way to try and "keep" a man who says he wants to have kids.
There is a real irony, though, in noting that we used to live in a world where a man taking advantage of woman most likely meant leaving her pregnant and alone, and now it might just as easily mean leaving her-- alone-- to make another woman pregnant.
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It's not that I don't believe
the LW, or think she is some kind of untouchable, but something is wrong here. I am in my late 40s, childless by choice, and I became single after being divorced at age 40. It is my experience - and the experience of my contemporaries - that the pool of eligible males DO NOT want children, and they REALLY are not interested in raising anyone else's child.
What most of the single men I know in my social circle want more than anything else in a woman is financial independence. They do not want dependency. Now, I live in a major metropolitan area, with scads of terrific single men of all ages. I know lots of women - from their mid 40s to late 50s - who have their pick of men. But these women have their own careers, their own pensions, their own houses, etc.
I have been in a stable relationship with a wonderful man who has three children. (The youngest just went off to college.) The first thing he said to me on our first day: "I don't want more children. And if you even think you want children, we go no further."
LW needs to start fishing in friendlier waters.
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Try 35-45 year old men instead
Baby boomers are (often) selfish and have enormous egos.
Look slightly younger and you'll find a whole group of men who have their priorities in order. Plenty of them have decided that they don't want to have kids.
I am a 45 year old woman and now ONLY date men my age and younger.
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mariaxxmm,
I have to disagree. I live in the DC area and I think it is a great place to be a single woman of any age. I've lived here for almost 25 years and have never been without fabulous male companionship. And I find it amazing that as I brace myself to turn 50 (in a few years) that men TEN YEARS MY JUNIOR routinely ask me out. I am NOT rich; I am NOT a beauty queen. And they are upfront about liking the fact that I don't have children.
I will acknowledge that it is probably not a good idea to date a politician or someone who is planning on running for public office someday. (SEE: Guiliani; Gingrich; Thompson, etc.)
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faulty causal inference
It is perhaps human to look at a situation that keeps repeating itself - in this case, men who say they are into an LTR and then bail for purported baby lust - and infer that the 'cause' of the 'problem' is them, vs. oneself.
It might even be them, and not herself.
But for the LW's happiness and sanity, it's always best to focus on the things you can change. She can't change men in their late 40s who want their own biological children...but she can change what she expects from men, or what men she chooses to date, and how she reacts when they act differently than they said they would. So she should focus on this, e.g. only date men who have clearly stated they don't want their own biological children. And when they clearly state that, don't expect them to never change their minds. And if and when they do change their minds, say c'est la vie and move on vs. calling them big spoiled babies. An attitude adjustment is in order here.
Not long ago I read a letter to an advice columnist - I think on Nerve - from a guy in his 40s who was essentially complaining that women in his age had really let themselves go, were dumpy, etc. etc. I felt outraged reading that - none of MY friends have let themselves go, at all. My friends are objectively attractive, smart, successful women. And if we could I.D. this guy on sight, this guy denigrating our age group with such casual dismissmissiveness, we'd probably freeze him out, no matter how good looking or fit or interesting or rich he was. I mean, what an entitled, ignorant jerk. Can't figure out how to find what he wants, so assumes it doesn't exist and pillories women for it.
I can imagine how guys must feel reading that they are seen as 'slop'.
So, LW, think attitude adjustment. The more resistant you are to this idea, the more necessary it is. Referring to the 'slop' that is out there is not only unkind, it's untrue, and whether you know it or not, that attitude is detectable to others, even when you think you are keeping it to yourself. Here's a news flash: handsome, fit, stable guys are not generally attracted to women who dismiss less handsome, less fit, less financially blessed guys as 'slop'. Most beautiful, lucky people have friends who aren't quite as beautiful and lucky; most decent people do not appreciate seeing their friends denigrated. By calling some men slop, you are putting all men on high alert that you are judgemental and entitled, not to mention bitter, all of which are unlikely to be appealing to a quality mate.
Change both your approach and your attitude and you are less likely to suffer from failed expectations, LW.
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re: brightstar - thanks for the laugh
I know I have bumped into several older women recently that had deluded themselves into believing they were sane, but when you observed them for some time, you realize these women are batty. How sad. I guess they need an insane man if they want someone.
Oh dear. This is so true, and so unfortunate, that I had to laugh out loud despite myself. It goes both ways, though - a lot of older single men are nutty as fruitcakes and have no clue about it. People who live alone lack observers who might help prevent their quirks from evolving into full-blown personality disorders. (Or maybe there's a reason some of these folks haven't found someone!)
Re: Quentin Compson
While your letter back was amusing, you totally skipped the main question presented: basically is it acceptable to make childbearing a criteria for continuing a relationship? And if so, what are the implications for women 35 and older who cannot be mothers? Are they supposed to give up on relationships altogether? That seems to be the implication of your flip reply. Or to put a fine point on the issue, I just found out my husband is infertile, should I divorce him? I think not.
Interesting attitude, which puts you at odds with thousands of years of human history, in which it was taken for granted that the primary purpose of marriage was children and infertility was obvious grounds for divorce.
Of course childbearing is a criterion for continuing a relationship. It's no longer the only criterion, which is a good thing, but as long as people continue to reproduce primarily within relationships, it's going to continue to be one criterion for many people.
re: brightstar, again
I only want sex, lots of it, with someone I love. But most women seem batty and deluded and push their crap on me. Or they reject me because I am not their stupid Brad Pitt or George Clooney lookalike they all want. Or they weigh 250 and seriously entertain the notion that some guy wants them anyway. Or they have had 200-500 one night stands and refuse to fess up to it. And they all think they can do anything they want, but the guy has to be limited in his choices and rights in the relationship. Oh, and he needs to be FIXED too.
Brightstar - you seem to be aware that you're not perfect. Yet you haven't made the jump from that to realizing that you might have to settle for something less than perfection in a woman. Let's go over your talking points: 1) "Those fat ugly women sure are evil for rejecting me based on my looks." 2) "Those crazy bitches with baggage better not think I have anything wrong with me that might need fixing." 3) "I want lots of sex without a lot of this other stuff attached to it, but anyone who's into casual sex better not apply."
See why this isn't working for you?