Letters to the Editor
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ben
oh, ben, sure. point taken! i was using some sloppy language to express something altogether different. more along the lines of taking care of myself, even if that meant leaving a partner. or something.
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Robert Franklin
Even if what you say is right, which I don't believe it is, you ignore the same cases I mentioned when the sexes were reversed. Why did you do that? Why apply one standard to men that you (and CT) don't to women?
No I didn't. The first sentence of my reply was: "Yes, this is selfish behavior." To be absolutely clear: women who represent to their husbands that they never want children, later change their minds, and elevate the situation to the level of a divorce are selfish.
To repeat my other point, it is not the wanting of children that is selfish. The selfish act is the refusal to examine one's needs prior to marriage.
In the cases of my friends, I strongly believe that the women truly changed in their very real desires to have children. I see no reason to think differently about the men the LW dated.
I doubt it. Very few people I know have gone through life-altering events that have changed their outlook on the world. More often, people who have never bothered to put much serious thought into something realize that they have to do it now or never, or people who have been clining to an image realize that they've been fooling themselves.
And if people are that unfortunate position, they probably should have children or find themselves in Tibet. That doesn't mean they're not selfish for making serious commitments without doing enough self-examination, though.
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Boo hoo
I only want sex, lots of it, with someone I love. But most women seem batty and deluded and push their crap on me. Or they reject me because I am not their stupid Brad Pitt or George Clooney lookalike they all want. Or they weigh 250 and seriously entertain the notion that some guy wants them anyway.
Sheesh. You criticize women for rejecting you based on your looks, and then you reject unattractive women and scold them for thinking anyone would want them. It's no wonder you can't find a match.
Why not just admit that you only want sex, lots of it, with someone who you love...and who is considerably more attractive than you are? If you admit that you've set your expectations very high, it might be easier to be patient while you wait to meet someone who meets them.
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Song Titles
Take the advice of Edzius Muse and make yourself a little mix. For Brightstar it could begin with It's All Your Fault by Willie Nelson.
This is an interesting stream about age in relation to love or lust. What a cast of characters you have here on Salon! I was kinda hoping I don't run into too many of ya'll out there in the big wide world though.
-Southern Gentleman
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sacajawea:
It's sweeping generalizations and ignorance like yours that you should hope American men do not fall prey to. I'm a well-adjusted, educated, accomplished 28 year-old who grew up in a nuclear family with an ever-present, faithful and caring father. My partner is 20 years my senior. Could you please delineate the "father issues" I have that have led me down this path? (Perhaps hypnosis will bring these issues to the fore. LOL. Some people.)
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Yes
Yes, men are spoiled rotten. Just not in the sense the headline suggests. (Babies are little round red herrings in all this.) Men are spoiled by women willing to get way too friendly with them before finding out who they are and whether they care.
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To Cary
You drove your car across the Bay Bridge because you didn't know how long it would take to walk from BART to your destination? Can you read a map?
And people are emailing YOU for help with their (serious) problems -- kinda scary...
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Wow
Finally, a response that is helpful and to the point. That writing workshop is clearly helping, Cary.
To the LW, you say you are a vibrant, interesting and interested woman who does things on her own and has a fine life. So why do you think you need a man? I'm not saying men are completely unnecessary, but neither are they required for women to have fulfilling lives. You can do fine on your own, as you have been. By all means, date men - go out to dinner, to the movies, on vacation, have fun with them, etc. Hanging out with guys can definitely be pleasant, informative and fun.
But let go of the "romance" thing. It's always been a big lie anyway - that idea that there is One True Soulmate who will Make Your Life Complete. I agree with Cary on this one. Instead of looking for that pie in the sky, just enjoy the men you know here and now, and stop expecting anything from them as far as commitment goes. Perhaps you'll meet the Right Guy at some point, but actually expecting it every time you strike up a friendship with a man is just setting yourself up for disappointment, as you've already experienced.
Look at it this way: If you keep focusing on Catching A Man, you'll lose out on all the advantages, experiences and insight that all those other men would bring you. Perhaps that sounds cavalier, but it's true. Would you want only one friend in your life? Then why only one man? Once a person gets past the whole family thing, there's really no reason to obsess over getting into some lifelong relationship. Enjoy your independence, and if a mate happens along, one with the stick-to-it you require, hey great!
Also, I find it hard to believe that the older-man-who-wants-fertile-young-thing concept could possibly be a surprise to you. This is not some recent phenomenon, after all. It's been common for centuries. The only new thing about it is the ease of divorce turning it into a revolving door, as it used to be that the older man would remarry a young woman only when the first wife died. (An exception that proves the rule is Henry VIII, who tossed wives over his shoulder with rather alarming alacrity.)
Good luck! :)