Letters to the Editor
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I'm thinking if her cats didn't like it...
...the roomie might not have a face left.
But maybe that's just the felines I happen to know.
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If it isn't this, it'll be something else.
I'm just sayin.
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If the cats don't seem to mind...
and they indicate that they don't mind by leaving the roommates limbs intact, then maybe the LW should just breath deeply, count to 10, and remind herself that she's OCD.
If the cats didn't want to be bounced, believe me, they'd let the roomie know!
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Cats
are their own independent actors. You don't own or control them except in the strictly legal sense. They have their own relationship with your housemate, you need not mediate it. Let go, and consider it a test of your getting over your OCD. Maybe they like being bounced, maybe they don't mind, maybe they just tolerate it. I seriously doubt that their little cat brains are being damaged. If it's any consolation, the housemate's behavior does sound a bit annoying; baby-obsessed individuals often are.
By the way, did you remember to lock the door?
Are you sure?
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Brain damage?
But no matter how many times I turn it over in my head, I can't seem to convince myself that my roommate's cat bouncing isn't giving the cats slight, cumulative brain damage.
How would you be able to tell?
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there's a reason they have nine lives
Some cats have a very docile, submissive personality. These are the ones that are likely to roll over and show you their tummies. Some breeds are just more relaxed than others.
I agree with the LWs who said that the cats would let the roomie know if she was doing something they didn't like. Cats don't suffer fools gladly, and they put their paw down when it comes to being treated in a way they don't like.
Cats usually swing their heads and give an air nip if they want someone to stop patting and fooling around with them. Or they get up and leave. Or they scratch, crouch away or make vocalizations that indicate that they are displeased. They aren't like humans who will politely endure things that they loathe.
But I agree with Cary that it's up to you how the cats should be treated. OCD has nothing to do with it. Still, your roomie may not listen. At the animal shelter where I work, I usually tell visitors if we have a cat that bites. Nine times out of ten, they go pat the cat anyway.
Anyway, good luck.
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Tell your roommate
That under no circumstances is she to teach the cats to play soccer or take them on a rollercoaster. And if bouncing was dangerous, every baby and former baby you know is brain damaged.
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They are your cats
If you don't want her to bounce them, tell her not to bounce them.
I agree that this probably doesn't damage the cats. I agree that the cats wouldn't put up with it if they didn't like it. But they are your cats. You don't have to put up with it if you don't want to.
A further issue, though, is how you approach the subject. If you are even slightly hesitant or defensive, your roommate is likely to argue or scoff and continue to do it despite your wishes. If you can't set the requirement without emotion or hesitation, you are better off just dropping the issue. Making a demand that ends up ignored, for whatever reason, will negatively affect your relationship in other areas as well.
Don't argue, don't justify, don't bargain, don't reason. Just say, "Don't bounce my cats." Don't tell her why, other than "I don't like it." She may call you unreasonable. So what.
Be calm, polite, firm, and dictatorial. If you can't do it that way, don't do it at all.
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Pets and roommates
Having pets in a roommate situation can be tough. You want to raise them in a safe, stable, loving environment, according to your view of what is best for them. But when you have a roommate, you lose control over that environment. Someone else is shaping your pets' world with her stuff, her behavior, and her interactions with them. This becomes a problem when the roommate interacts with your pets in a way that makes you uncomfortable.
I know from experience. My former roommate used to leave the door open, inviting my cat to wander outside into city traffic. He would also yell at my cat when he walked on his furniture, making the cat scared and skittish. And, he would leave poisonous plants and small, ingestible objects within my cat's reach. Maybe I was too protective, but my cat is my baby, and I was always worried about her.
When I moved out, I got an apartment by myself, and a major reason was that I wanted to provide a safe, quiet environment for my cat. I didn't want to worry that while I was gone, a roommate was yelling at her or endangering her safety. I wanted to be certain that my cat was safe and loved, that she only had positive relationships with humans.
I'm not saying that you should move out -- the problem doesn't sound extreme --, but you should work to set limits to ensure that your cats are being cared for according to your wishes for them. Bouncing may or may not harm the cats, but as their owner, it's your right to request that your roommate not handle them in ways that worry you. If these were human babies, I think people would be more sympathetic. But as someone who loves a cat, and is a little OCD about her health and safety, I understand.
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Disabilities and quirks
Everything Cary said is perfect.
However, I would just like to add that, as someone who has worked at helping people with disabilities, I have found that people tend to mistake their diagnosis for their personalities.
LW, even if the only reason you are uncomfortable with you roommate's behavior is your OCD, it is unlikely that you will ever be able to parse everthing different or odd about yourself. You will never be able to figure out if behavior A is OCD and behavior B is not and behavior C is a bit of both. Because you do actually have OCD, you should resist the tendency to do that. I am here to tell you that people with a new diagnosis of ADD will start attributing everything to the ADD. I know I did when I was finally diagnosed. I also know that people with Bipolar Disorder will sit around and obsess about whether or not they are going into mania. People with environmental illnesses will not be able to walk into a new environment without worrying about flickering overhead lights or new carpeting. People with depression will wallow in it.
There is a big downside to this. If you are in the habit of revealing or talking aloud about your illness, you will soon be tipping everyone around you to treat you like a sick person. Do not think this will encourage them to excuse your behavior. Instead, when they are frustrated with you or angry with you, they too will begin blaming the OCD and you will soon begin feeling discriminated against and justly or unjustly (depending on your mood) picked upon.
Here the way to negotiate the world: Only tell people who have some overriding need to know this about you. Don't don't tell employers until you need an accomodation. Don't people you date until things seem to be approaching engagment and you have a serious reason to tell. Don't use the OCD to try to get people to treat you decently. The brutal truth -- as any perusal of the letters to Cary's column will tell you -- is that people are often not nice, not understanding, and not patient. Indeed, the world is full of people who think that something being wrong with you is evidence that they are vastly superior to you.
Just tell the roommate how you prefer your cats be treated. Do so firmly and politely and understand that you do not need to offer any reason or justification other than that they are your cats.
I have a dog. Believe me, if I needed a roommate, the first thing that person would learn is how I expect them to treat my dog: No between meal treats. No bothering him during his mid-morning nap. No admission of repair people without putting him in another room just in case he decides repair people are appetizers. He's my dog. I have trained him my way. I expect him to be treated in the manner of my choosing.
I am not one bit OCD. Just a human being who is fond of her dog.