Letters to the Editor
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Conscious rejection of racism
Research shows that when egalitarian whites hear a racist message, and they recognize it as racist, they can consciously reject it. However, when whites don't realize that they are hearing a the racial message, they are unable to reject it, and the appeal has the power to influence their responses.
The political scientist Tali Mendelberg found that when whites were exposed to the famous "Willie Horton" campaign commerical in 1988, an ad that talked only about crime but featured a black criminal, whites were influenced by the racial message. But once the advertisements had been exposed as racist, whites rejected the message, and they were unaffected. (see Mendelberg's excellent book, The Race Card.)
What you're describing is exactly what it means to be a progressive white person. American whites have been socialized in a racist country, and we will always be susceptible to racist appeals because of it. But if we are conscious of racism, we have the ability to reject those appeals. We recognize that racism conflicts with our personal beliefs, and we think "No, I don't believe that." Usually it happens too quickly to notice, but it still happens -- our conscious minds recognize and reject racism despite our childhood socialization.
You are a progressive white person who values equality. When the racist song bubbles up from your past, from the "stuck in my head" part of your subconscious, it doesn't represent your beliefs, your values, or your understanding of the world. It represents part of your childhood socialization and, perhaps, your paranoia about being recognized as someone who has racist thoughts in your subconscious -- racist songs and ideas from a long time ago, before you knew better.
As long as you recognize racism as wrong, and reject it, you're doing everything right. The problem is white people who are unaware of racism, or unwilling to admit their own racist tendencies. Those people do far more harm than you. So calm down. When you think of the song, say to yourself, "I reject these lyrics because they are racist and wrong." Then put on your headphones or turn up the radio. If you stop freaking out about it, you will forget about the song once again, and you'll have better music stuck in your head.
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Go have a conversation with a real Black or White person..begin your healing there..
I think you are on the right path and a a black person I respect and value your honesty it helps me when I observe white folks coming to grips with thier racism it makes me get honest with mine...
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if you have asperger's syndrome...
...this perseverative thought, your "ditty", is probably stuck in your head because you also have a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
I've worked as a therapist for autistic and Asperger's children for over ten years now, and I can tell you It's common for people on the autism spectrum to also have other issues such as OCD. You need to find a therapist who can take you through a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and although I can't guarantee the "ditty" will disappear, the success rate for CBT is very high.
Medication can also help, but from my own personal observation, CBT is even more effective than the meds. I believe there was a clinical study in the past five years or so which showed a roughly similar success rate for both CBT and medication.
One last important point for you: autistic/Asperger's people often are unable to get rid of an obsessive thought for the precise reason that it is DISTURBING to them. They are shocked and repulsed by the thought, which makes it even harder for them to stop thinking about it. This is called the attractive/aversive cycle, and it's why you need Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. BUT it is also why you can look yourself in the mirror and say "I am a very *good* person who is horrified by racist so-called 'jokes'. I also have Asperger's Syndrome, so my brain tends to focus on things that horrify me. Currently, my brain's focused on a racist song that horrifies me. I'm not a racist; I'm suffering. And I can be helped."
Good luck to you, my friend. You will work through this.
And yay Cary, I agree we must feed the world. I just wanted to give this person a little more specific help.
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If You Could Read My Mind, LW...
..or my brain, at least, you would be appalled.
I'm not sure Cary really answered your question, or if he did he buried it in a pile of mental vomit that he needed to get rid of. I believe part of the answer was in there at least, the part where he said it doesn't matter. It doesn't, you know. Most, if not all of us, have this sort of thing happen from time to time. Maybe we all have a touch of OCD or something. The ditty in your head doesn't matter - so long as it stays in your head.
Well, it may matter to you, and the Asperger's may make it more troubling to you than it might to some less earnest people, but clearly you're not just paying lip service to Poliitical Correctness (and I think I got something of that sentiment from Cary's word salad). So it matters to you, and that's why you wrote. Not about the wretched refuse or the starving masses or doing a good deed, but on thinking an "evil" thought. Not even "On Doing and Evil Deed." That is conscientious in the extreme. So long as you keep the moronic little ditty inside your head it's OK, except that it bothers you. Does it bother you because it's not nice or because it's un-PC or simply because it won't go away? Could be all of the above.
I think you really answered your own question far better than Cary did, so if you don't mind, I'll hand it back to you:
"I've become so paranoid that I'm going to blow my proper, liberal, modern, progressive cover that I'm only making it worse. The more you try to not think about something, the worse it gets."
The first part is a national plague. It's not just you, although you may feel it more acutely. The second part, about trying not to think about something, is the solution.
Quit trying to not think about it. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest you think about it a lot! Burn it clean out with your pondering over what it meant back in your youth and what it means now and why this happens to all of us now and then, and pretty soon it likely will be gone and good riddance to it.
I have one that's similar, which surfaces from time to time. It is extremely catchy in its cadence, which makes it seductive. It is also moronic, which gives it a certain surreal appeal that has nothing to do with its extremely mean spirited content.
And then it goes away.
It says nothing about me. It may say something about my brain.
I'm perfectly OK with telling you (and the world) this is so. I hope you can get OK with being normal enough to have this happen and to understand that it is not you that is repeating this offensive little song, but your brain. We all have brains, although we don't necessarily all use them. Then again some of us use them too much.
Maybe you could let your brain off the hook for the moment and just be comforted by knowing that despite all your faux liberal longings for perfection, you are better than perfect. You are human.