Letters to the Editor
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"It never rains in southern California"
Your fantasy of California sounds very Northern California bohemian -- the selective impressions of an outsider dropping in for a visit -- and does not reflect the very harsh realities of living in the Golden State. Unless you have a superb. mobile job and plenty of disposable income to set yourself in a safe neighborhood in one of the (I am assuming) major cities in which you are interested, stay East.
California is magical, and we natives know this, but listen carefully to the song "It never rains in Southern California" before you board that west-bound 747. Do not come here expecting to find yourself, a man, or anything else, because it is most likely that these dreams will be confronted by everyday realities: outrageous insurance, taxes, and real estate, cutthroat competition in all aspects of life, crime, smog, traffic, and flakes who promise to call you for lunch and never do.
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Don't fly to see your family
There is an unknown space between my sister's family in Iowa and my invented, beautiful life in Canada. And that space hurts, especially from the horrific airport security that terrifies my 3-year-old.
I hope in time our families will be able to move across that unknown space, in alternate years, perhaps buying a vacation place in South Dakota to split the difference. But whatever the solution is, it will involve a desolate border crossing on the prairie, and not a hub stop in Denver.
Now more than ever, you cannot fly to see your family. Having lived a little bit of east and west in the last two years, I can attest that you can find whatever you need wherever you are. But you can't bring your family closer.
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familiar Q
Lifestyle. Friends. Career. Family. Children. Partner. Money. Health....
The West feels to me like the open range, unchartered territory. The East feels well-established and traditional. I can't back this up because I have no factual information that would substantiate these feeings. There are many other places you've not mentioned, but I agree the coasts of this great country do provide a lot to consider. You've got me thinking about friends on both coasts and the reasons they've made those choices.
So many things to consider if you are free to roam. I could have written this at one time. I am West and used to be East but can never go back. It just doesn't feel right, even after considering the above. NYC for example, felt 'old school', harder to break into, less organic if you will. SF, Bay Area or LA just have a more entreprenurial energy. A feeling of opportunity without so many lifestyle restrictions. Like most posts, these are just my initial thoughts, based upon personal experiences.
In your deep contemplation, don't get so caught up that you miss opportunities for love and magic.... or just a great place to live. Be with who you love best, doing what you enjoy most, and may you be so fortunate.
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There are no traffic jams in New Mexico.
I grew up in the midwest, lived in Boston for a while, and then settled in New Mexico. Have experienced all three, I'd say "go west." Life in the West is better. People are friendlier and far less judgmental here ("that's right, you're not from Texas, but Texas loves you anyway"). Unless you are in LA, SF, or the SV ("27 exits to nowhere"), the cost of living is lower. Here people are less caught up in money and putting on a good show for the neighbors. People are less guarded and more individualistic.
Cary seems to think that you are referring to the west coast. That might be true, but I hope you are thinking about Colorado, Texas, New Mexico, Montana, or maybe Arizona. These states have mountains and big blue, sunny skies. The vastness of the open spaces will amaze you.
Don't get me wrong, I love Boston and New York. However, they just don't hold a candle to the West for me.
Also, there are no traffic jams in New Mexico.
Good luck!
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deal with what you want to run from
Whatever is gnawing at you will still gnaw at you from a distance. Your past problems and family problems are the same wherever you are. Plenty of people move to reinvent themselves and forget their problems. Maybe it would be easier to put distance between yourself and people who cause you serious problems, but it sounds like you don't know whether your problems with your past and your family are serious enough to warrant this distance. If they are, respect that and take your needs seriously, and get therapy to figure it out. It sounds like you have trouble identifying your true feelings and what makes you feel like running to CA. I moved closer to my family at one point because I thought it would fix our problems by making us deal with them. Unfortunately, I wish I had followed my own path instead of trying to fix my unfixable family problems. My parents did not respond any better in close range to my needs in the relationship, and living nearby was excruciating. I spent tons of money to move away as soon as possible and find a new life, new therapist, etc. But it was worth it that I found out the truth and faced the problems that I always thought vicinity and closer arrangements would heal. Be careful when giving up your dreams for other people, even family, if they cause you problems that you feel guilty for. Face the problem and find out first before doing anything drastic. If they are there for you and make your life richer, then decide if that relationship is as important to you as your relationship with yourself.
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Go West
I had a strong reaction to your statement “But when I think of the East, I get a knot in my stomach.” I feel precisely the same way when I go East. I was born and raised in New York City, yet I never felt I belonged there. I spent too much time wondering if I was hopelessly unfashionable (or was I just less pretentious?). I wondered if I was too lazy in the hypercompetitive office environment, or if I was just more grounded in realizing that life was what you did after work. And what was the deal with all these art gallery openings that everyone but me seemed to be going to all the time? These questions haunted me. So did my cramped hovel of an apartment, the outrageous cost of living, and the way I always felt most painfully alone in the thick New York crowds. I hated all of that, but at age 30 it was all I knew.
A project came up at work that required spending much time in Ohio. It was not a prestige project (those were in London and Tokyo) and no one wanted it. I jumped at it. I would have done anything to get away from all the obnoxious Ivy League MBAs who surrounded me day-in and day-out (for the record, yes, I was one of them).
I can hardly explain it, but I had a bizarre realization on just my second day in Ohio: I feel at home here. I had no family, no friends, and truly knew nothing about the city, but it still felt right. Perfect, in fact.
I never left. When the project ended I took a job with the client I had been assisting. Friends, family, and co-workers in New York were shocked: What the hell was I doing? How could I be happy in a backwards red state? Wouldn’t I be bored? What about the career I was trashing? On some level all those questions were valid. Even Ohioans I got to know thought I was nuts: “You want to move from New York City… to here?” But the question I asked myself was this: Would I rather be happy in a place where by all rights I should be miserable; or miserable in a city that is widely believed the most desirable on earth? I took a risk, followed my heart, and have spent seven wonderful years here in Ohio. I will never leave.
Your heart is West. Go West.