Letters to the Editor
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Spot on Advice
My wife does something similar. Usually a comment like "she's cute, isn't she?" or "really caught your eye." The first time she did it we were walking down the street and I'd just become aware of a woman walking toward us. That woman was still a block away.
I was stunned. "Ummm, yeah. I just noticed her. How did you know I looked?" She replied, "your breathing deepened."
We've been married for ten years now. Happy, happy!
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Assert Yourself
I think that LW has every right to be upset about her boyfriend's conduct. I also believe it's possible for her to assert herself in a non-confrontational way. The next time she catches her boyfriend checking out another woman, I think she should calmly say, "Listen, I know you check out other women when we're together. I understand that you're a normal, healthy guy with a normal, healthy libido, but it really upsets me when you do this." The point is, if the BF really is a "great catch," he'll respect her feelings and at least restrict his ogling to when he's out on the town with his buddies.
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Who's Zooming Who?
Excellent advice. My wife and I check out women together all the time. It defuses and potentially disruptive fact of life (men check out women, even if they're pretending they aren't) and transforms it into a bonding experience for us. Two points:
- It's never a good idea to require your partner to lie to you (which is what you're doing if you make your man pretend he's not looking -- or wishing he could look without catching a load of bile from you).
- Women check out other women far more intensely than men do. We're just checking them out on the doability scale; women are assessing everything from hair style to sandal-skirt match.
As Jerry Seinfeld once said, men look at breasts the way women look at shoes. What if he made you pretend you weren't interested in shoes?
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I married him...
My husband looks at other women. In fact, if he's not looking, I take his temperature to make sure he's not sick. It doesn't always thrill me, but I cope. Over the years, I have found that he simply can't help seeing and he comments before he thinks, so saying "this bothers me" doesn't really work. He doesn't do it to hurt or belittle me, it's how he's made. So, seeing as your BF probably isn't going to--or can't--stop, there are two issues here as I see it.
First, your self-esteem. Does it bother you that he looks because you think it means he's test-driving the new models? Because if he is looking to upgrade, you don't need him. Dump the jerk. But if he's just looking because he's in-a-relationship-not-dead, then it's not him who has the problem. It's you.
Does recognizing that there are attractive people other than you make you not attractive? Of course not! That's silly, when you think about it. You need to work on your own perception that you are attractive. After all, he is with YOU, not with those other girls. You're his choice, not them. Ergo, you are far more attractive than any woman he might see on the street no matter how extreme his reaction. Remember, once upon a time, YOU were that girl that he ogled (perhaps more discreetly) and thought, "Boy, I could never get a girl as hot as that."
Second issue is whether he looks but doesn't touch. My husband doesn't cheat. He looks plenty, but he is not going anywhere. This is critically important, because looking is natural, touching is beyond the pale. Touching is a major betrayal of trust. Make sure he knows that he can look but not touch.
Now, as to how you cope. Cary's idea isn't a bad one. It's pretty much what I do. He looks at girls. I always enjoyed the violent sport that is people watching and as I said, I am much tougher on women than he is, so I can always point out the flaws. The fact that his reply is "but I like em all" is a subtle compliment to me who is a far cry from the modern ideal of feminine beauty.
My other coping tactic is to make sure that the gander gets what's coming to him (sauce for the gander is good for the goose), and I look. I don't touch, but I look. There are plenty of attractive men out there. I'm married, not dead. If it bothers him the first time, it might be a good time to remind him about geese.
Anyway, point being is that this is not a deal-breaker if he is otherwise a nice guy. You have to be secure enough in yourself and your relationship to allow him to be what he is: human.
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How My Girlfriend Cured Me
Whether women like it nor not, looking at other women is something men LOVE to do.
My girlfriend cured me by not making an issue of it. She began to calmly pointing out every attractive woman in eyesight when we were together.
After a while I began to feel like an idiot and stopped doing this. Now I only look when she's not there.
And women, if he is hetero, he is ALWAYS going to look at attractive women. It is delusional to think guys will stop because they "love" you so much.
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Men will look
Frankly, I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. As long as he just looks, of course.
However.
He needs to have enough discretion not to let you see he's looking.
(Though you, of course, need to have enough of a self-esteem not to care he's looking.)
Cary's advice may or may not work. It may lead him to believe that you're OK with it--more than OK with it. It may encourage him to do more than just look. I do think that an honest conversation, in which you ask him to be discreet about it, would at least show him where you stand.
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Checking out the merchandise is not peoplewatching!
Mistake # 1 in your opening paragraph -your BF is NOT a catch and he is NOT decent and kind to you.And when you are together out and about he is not even with you,not really! And this is the first year - you all are still on relatively best behavior.This is the guy two years down the road who will be at his computer looking at porn instead doing fun things together.--because he is such an addict he has no control over his own attention span and lacks ability to consider how it may affect others.
As for Cary's remark it is sexist to put the onus on you by saying "For a man, it is interesting to hear a woman talk about other women the way a man might talk about them" . Yeah and it"s interesting for a man to propose threesomes and watch their spuses fuck others and the list goes on and on.All stuff for women to do that in general women could care less about and frequently find downright dangerous & humiliating.It is not women's place to entertain men--we have our hands full teaching them communication skills.earning a living,producing and bringing up children,household shit, helping our democracy function etc etc.Let them direct their own fantasies in their own minds , what kind of unimaginative creatures are they that they need so many crutches just to stay in their preferred state of constant arousal.And whats with that anyway?
Ever hear -"don't expect to change people in a relationship?" Well its time to revisit that tired old saying and look elsewhere for someone who thinks he's got the hottest thing going because he's got you, so why would he look around.You want that ,you need that and you deserve that.