Letters to the Editor
-
no you do NOT have to find a way to be OK with this!
He does not respect you and it is dangerous to force yourself to be "OK" with staying with someone who does not respect you. All you really have in life is your sense of respect for yourself, your sense of honesty to yourself, being true to yourself, and your self-confidance. DO NOT say it's OK for your partner to treat you with disrespect. He knows what he's doing is offensive and disresepctful, there's no need to tell him. You may tell him you are going to start honoring your right to repectful treatment and if he wants a relationship, you expect him to respect you. This is just step one, in a life of disrepect. If you go along with it, you're telling him he doesn't have to treat you with respect. I guarantee you in a few years he'll be cheating.
-
Great Advice Cary!
..and it works! My guy 'Paul' was doing the same thing last year, and I tried this with him.
For me this worked, because I was secure in the relationship. After all, if Paul had REALLY wanted to go chase or get another girl, he would have been doing so.
Paul generally lost interest in the 'scenary' as it were, and we are doing great together.
-
girl, this is a dangerous slope you're on that will impact the rest of your life!
Your partner is disrespecting you in public, demeaning you even though he knows it's disrespectful, and you're trying to figure out how to change YOUR feelings so you don't mind being disrespected any more?
You do know that abused women always think they deserved their abuse. They try so hard to change so their mates don't hit them any more.
Stop comproimising your right to basic respect. And stop thinking YOU"RE doing something wrong: HE IS. And please, for the love of god, stop thinking YOU should change so you can accept his mistreatment.
-
"My boyfriend is checking out chicks while I'm standing right there!"
Calling bullshit back at you.
Everyone does this? Really? Then why did the LW feel the need to write in? First boyfriend she's ever had? Apparently, or she would have noticed the behavior before. With all her other boyfriends. Every one of them. No point in Cary answering either. Since even if she dumps this guy, the same thing will happen with the next bf, and the next and the next. Right?
-
to the guy who said this is the Thought Police:
There is a huge difference between thought and behavior. Think lustful thoughts about other people, sure, believe it or not we women do too! But do not act on them. And remember acting on then isn't only sex, it includes oogling. No one is saying men and women can't have thoughts, of course we all do! But we who respect our partners don't act on them, we keep it inside. So, stop with the red herring cry against thought police, no one's saying he can't think. He just needs to treat his woman with respect.
-
Too much we don't know
imho, I don't believe there's enough information from the LW to give any workable answer.
If you take it at face value, she says that, "He is, for me, perfect." If that's the case, then why the letter? "Perfect" doesn't accommodate any "buts", yet there is a "but" nonetheless.
If you don't take it at face value, then this is what I see: there's no sense of what kind of relationship the LW and her boyfriend have. (Yes, it's "great", but how does a relationship qualify as being "great" in her eyes?) There is no sense of how they interact. In fact, there's very little about the LW's boyfriend at all, save for what he means to her.
If all is fine and dandy, then why feel threatened enough by his behaviour to write to an advice columnist - whether that behaviour is deemed socially acceptable or not? Is there something going on in addition to this that the LW is either not seeing or acknowledging? Or is this not so much about her boyfriend as it is about her? Dunno. Too little to go on, too much left unsaid.
-
@Checking Chicks on the Internet
Hard truth but on some level you're starting to recognize it on your own, hence your letter: You don't have a boyfriend, hon. You have a fantasy of one. Your uneasy feeling is an inner voice, a guide and protector. Listen to it. Don't allow his interpretations to become your reality. Your own gut and your own mind are telling you there's something off about someone who behaves as though he's your boyfriend "except for" his correspondence with other girls on a dating site where he lists himself as single.
Your mind is fine. Your logic is right. What feels "off" IS off.
Not all self-help books are puffy silliness. Here's one with a silly title that's still an excellent guide to setting healthy boundaries from the get-go in a relationship, and to when to recognize that you are with an unavailable man. Men Who Can't Love. Unfortunately, the off-putting title must've been some publicist's brainstorm...but the content is golden.
Good luck in finding a loyal kind young man who will value you so fully he wouldn't consider playing around, online or off.
-
Dump the cheating bastard!
How DARE he obey eons of genetic selection for males who are constantly on the watch for potential mates? Doesn't he know that he's not even supposed to notice any other girl in the world, now that he's with his current girlfriend?
Even if he was surrounded by gorgeous naked starlets, it would be his basic moral duty to claw his own eyes out rather than look at him.
Nasty, dirty, filthy man. Doesn't he know that the only reason he has the instinct to appreciate female beauty was to allow him to meet his one destined soulmate? And that now that that function has been fulfilled, he must never find any other woman to be attractive?
He may whine that it's out of his control. NONSENSE! Everyone knows that the male sexual urge is totally volitional in every way.
Oh my god - I just had a horrible thought. What if he sometimes actually fantasizes about having sex with other women? That's the moral equivalent of ADULTERY! His girlfriend must sue him for divorce immediately - right after they get married, that is.
Then she can continue her search for the perfect non-girl-watching boyfriend. I'm sure he's out there somewhere!
In the meantime, I just had another horrible thought. What if her boyfriend ever decides to have a wet dream? Or even multiple wet dreams? Serial adultery - and she could catch an STD from one of those dream-sluts, to boot! She'd better get herself checked by a doctor right away. While she's at it, she could talk to her doctor about some form of medication or surgical procedure for her boyfriend which will eliminate all of those nasty, unacceptable sexual urges.
That may leave her a bit frustrated, of course, so she might also want to invest in a good vibrator. Which she will use only while fantasizing about her now-safe boyfriend, of course.
Problem solved!