Letters to the Editor
-
Most aren't so clueless
I don't think it's true that "most" men engage in this type of behavior, at least not in a way that is so blatantly obvious. That's why it is so offputting when a woman does experience it from someone she is dating.
I also find it extremely annoying when men feel free to comment on how "hot" other women are, even when these men are just my friends! I always wonder how they would feel if I went on and on about "rich" and "successful" men in their presence. It's rude and boorish behavior. It shows an absolute cluelessness about the painful and relentless appearance-based judgment women have to deal with, which is akin to the judgment men shoulder regarding the size of their wallet or the amount of their career success.
And I am also irritated by those men whose gaze repeatedly drops to my chest level during conversation. Again, most men don't do this, but there are those who can't seem to keep their eyes on your face while speaking to you.
-
"I need to find a way to feel okay about this"
That's interesting, because that's just how I felt in the same exact situation. Here's a super secret million dollar bit of info: you can't. You won't. Cary's advice is worth thinking about, but I really don't think it's going to go the distance for you. I know you asked for guy-to-gal advice, but this scenario is particular to a woman's experience, and I don't think a man can really "get" it.
I was pretty cool with it for a long time. My guy thought I was so comfortable with it that he would point out pretty women, and I would comment along with him. Inside, though, it wasn't that much fun. And one day, I snapped. I told him the real deal, and it went something like this:
"You know, if there's some extraordinary creature before us, I don't mind admiring it, like anyone who would admire an extraordinary creature. But I do not need to have my attention drawn to every garden variety hot young thing that enters your radar. I don't choose to spend my time or fill my awareness with a constant hunt-and-rate game, and so I don't appreciate being drawn into that experience on a regular basis. Keep it to yourself. And by the way, it's a bit rude."
It goes on, you know. Remember: for all the chicks he's scoping as you guys walk down the street, there are just as many dudes scoping YOU, and your boyfriend is the one who gets to take you home. Maybe he could focus on the good fortune of your beautiful presence in his life, and take a wee break from the Other-focus for a spell.
The constant appraisal of other women while you are together is not cool; it doesn't make you feel good, and no amount of trying to be the perfect partner will change that. Be honest, be vulnerable, be confident, and tell him the truth. He indulges this behavior because it's a habit, but it's a habit that makes you feel bad. It is not too much to ask that he turn his attention to the woman who loves him when you're together.
Just to be clear: you can try as long as you like to get over being bothered by this, but the fact that you wrote an advice columnist about it makes clear that it really gets to you. Honor that: there's nothing wrong with you.
-
How about some grade-school witticisms like...
"Dude, take a picture, it lasts longer".
Seriously, that's what I would say. It's stupidly funny and makes the point. Any guy with half a wit can tell most women (or men) don't like to see their partner checking out other people. Maturity and discretion just aren't this guy's strong suit, but with a bit of humor and a clue he'll catch on.
Attractive people are always eye-catching for all sexes and orientations and passing observations are one thing, but shamelessly ogling other people in front of your S.O. is lame and inconsiderate, regardless of gender. I'm a woman (and a compulsive people-watcher, I confess) and I once caught myself doing it while I was with a guy I was seeing and I could tell by the look in his eyes that it hurt him, even though he said nothing. Jealousy and insecurity can run deep; anyone with sense knows not to toy with them while in a relationship.
Accusations of sexism, "thought police" and all that aside, ogling is just bad manners and poor romantic relationship skills, period. It's one more bad habit you have to break if you want to be with someone.
-
more complex than it appears on the surface
It's one thing for partners in a committed relationship to idly check out others and make comments about them to each other - quite another for someone to do it in a new, young relationship with no real commitment. The problem here is that for the LW, the people her boyfriend is checking out count as competition. He's not with her in any permanent sense; he may call her tomorrow and say he's moving on. It bodes ill for the relationship that he's willing to make her uncomfortable.
My husband and I freely check out other people (although not in such a way that the other people notice - that's just rude.) I know where his allegiance lies, and he knows the same about me. He jokes that a certain handsome waiter is my "boyfriend," and I've been known to point out attractive women to him. I don't think it would be healthy to live in a dream world where I believed my husband had gone blind to the sexual attractiveness of every other woman alive when he married me.
-
Cary Tennis is not a good source of advice
I just don't get it. I'd bet a million bucks that Cary has never been able to sustain a relationship with a woman, and that he has deep seated intimacy problems based on awkwardness and fear. Why people go to him for advice is beyond me.
That being said, this is how I cured my first husband of his wandering eye. When I'd had my limit, we were at a restaurant. He was drooling over the waitress. When she left the table, I turned to him and asked "Why didn't you just order a blow job?" I then walked out and drove myself home (we had arrived in separate cars). When he got home, we had an honest discussion about how rude I felt his behavior was.
And that was the end of it.
After my first husband died, I met the man who has become my second husband. He, too, had a propensity to drool. When pushed to my limit, I tried a different tack. I took him aside and whispered "The next time you look at another woman when you're with me, or make inappropriate comments, I want you to remember something. My first husband had a huge cock. He could screw me for hours and make me scream until I passed out. So, don't go comparing me to other women because I would not do that to you." He gulped, turned pale, and that was the end of that behavior. In both cases, the shock value made a lasting impression. They got the message, loud and clear.
And my husbands have/had large, healthy egos, so do not accuse me of castration.
There is nothing passé about training men to behave. If they can be trained, they're worth keeping. Real women know that the choke chain has to be yanked periodically so their man's inner puppy will learn to behave in a mature manner. Come from a place of confidence and humor, but do not join him in his game...that's just plain silly and demeaning.