Letters to the Editor
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That's what I'm talking about anon!!!
You've made peace with yourself and humanity. You go girl. Now if these other 300 letter writers could do the same.
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PJ Anonymous, watch out!
It isn't the guys who ogle who we really have to worry about. We can easily dismiss those stares. It's the guys with a line of talk who make us weak in the knees, those with charm and a gift for gab. A woman is seduced through her ears.
For instance, there's that silver-tongued devil, AJ Calhoun...
;)
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Uh....
I hear my mom calling me... :)
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Dog Lover
From which law school did you graduate? When and how did you become a one-person legislature: "must", "should", inter alia. Who is the sheriff, the DA, judge and jury? My you are a busy little busybody! Wonder why.
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Post Mortem (If anyone cares...)
Boyfriend and I had a talk. We had just wrapped up dinner-out and were convening back at his place where I had left my car.
In short, I was brief and non-accusatory, basically telling him that while I understand glances and looks, there are times his fixative stares at other women (when we are publicly together...umm, such as tonight) are hurtful, and lead me to speculate whether he is with me merely by default (i.e. he's scoping out the scene for the next better thing) and whether he's keeping his options open, etc.
We had a good talk about it. He reiterated what many of you had said ("I notice a beautiful car, I notice a beautiful woman...") but he also was openly concerned that my feelings had been hurt, took them seriously, and did not minimize the issue.
I appreciate that he's a young, attractive, virile man, and don't expect him not to notice other women. But it's helpful to have had the conversation. He gave me no indication that it was a big deal to suppress his "looking" around me. And I'm grateful both for his understanding and for the fact that I'm relieved of this building mound of resentment...
Thanks again for everyone who chimed in with personal anecdotes and perspectives, pearls of advice and points for debate- you've given me lots to think about - why does it bother me as it does? I'm working on that part too. Thanks.
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why does it bother me as it does? I'm working on that part too.
Do not think anything is the matter wiht you or your self-confidance just because you expect respect! Our society expects you to subsurviently accept disrespectful treatment and apologize for wanting a little respect! There is NO need for you to "work on" why you expect respect. You should work on why you're apologizing for wanting respect and thinking you need to fix that!
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At lleast he's not checking out Guys.
That would suck for you.
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@ oneperson
I am glad to hear that you have been able to discuss the matter openly. Thanks very much for the update. I hope the future unfolds for you in a happy way.
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I will say one thing about the influx of H1-B Visa Workers...
There sure are a lot of awfully handsome men from India who get on the bus in the mornings and they dress sharply, too. I didn't think I looked at men but it turns out the reason I don't look at men is the American ones dress so tacky, slouch, and aren't fit. Now I have had my eyes opened and I've got something to ogle (discreetly.) I wouldn't do it in front of my boyfriend because he doesn't deserve it. I'd ogle him too if he'd dress half as sharp as these guys, but American guys at least where I live can't be bothered.
I realize the women from India are also fit and dress sharply and I have no doubt they get on the bus my boyfriend rides, so it's an added incentive not to get into the American habit of throwing on any old pullover and any old pair of slacks etc. I wish I looked as crisp and sharp as the young women from India but I can try harder.
I wonder what management thinks when management sees the crisply and sharply dressed people from India vs. the slouchy Americans in their "kitty not happy" t-shirts (JUST KIDDING) low-cut camisoles, ratty jeans, ratty sneakers, and flip-flops.... I am guilty too but that's in part because I can't fit into most of my wardrobe and for some reason tended to not buy nice corporate clothes in my current size because "I would soon lose back down." Sigh.
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Lame but understandable
I think the LW has a valid point: she feels inferior and replaceable by her BF's wandering eye. If my GF did it I would feel highly embarassed, but not exactly for the same reason.
See, it's total bullshit -- BULLSHIT! -- to think that women DON'T check out guys. This arises from the same tired dichotomy that causes so much grief in the world: sex is something women "give" to a man, meaning men are sexual and women aren't.
I would feel insecure for a second, but also embarassed because women aren't "supposed" to act that way.
The best way to deal with it is for the girl to make her guy-checking-out more obvious. She should force herself to do it even if she didn't want to.
For all of the shrews on here coming down hard on the guy: you know the above is true. People are sexual, some more than others, women often more than men. Prudishness and calls for gentlemanliness are mostly bull.
The women who react this way are insecure and don't understand men. Men are naturally inclined and then re-conditioned -- in some countries /expected/ -- to be more obvious about their visual objectification of women. Women in these cultures, regardless of relationship status, expect it and have worked around it in their heads (make jokes about it, etc.).
Just because my GF checks out Matthew McConaughey doesn't mean to me that she doesn't find me attractive. It's INSTINCT.
So to wrap up, if you have problems with it, be very explicit on all the above grounds. Tell him to be less obvious about it because it embarasses you, or you'll be less subtle about how much attention you give him. Understanding is fundamentally emotional. We have to feel we know something before it becomes part of our behavior, and his feeling insecure will teach him better -- IF he loves you!
And FINALLY:
Women objectify men in their own ways!
Enough of the holier than thou BULL.