Letters to the Editor
-
What I did
I was in a new relationship 6 years ago. He looked around A LOT more than previous boyfriends had. I was not used to this and very unnerved. For months I quietly observed, being too embarrassed to say something. Meanwhile I started feeling anxiety when we'd go to public places especially young hip ones with lots of women barely dressed. I am used to being looked at and definitely have always been uncomfortable when men with what appeared to be dates or girlfriends looked too intently. This all came to a head one day when he was staring at a waitress's ass so long that I had to essentially snap him out of it. He was embarrassed, all the months of wondering what to do burst out and we had a heated conversation about it. I do think this issue comes down to an intersection of manners, personality and the myriad issues in any given relationship. He had not realized how much I had been noticing him noticing and was embarrassed by it. I felt bad for making him feel awkward "just looking" However I did draw the line at "openly" checking out someone's ass which just seems really immature to me. 6 years later and still together now we do joke about these things and I don't feel threatened by him looking at women. He does not ogle them anymore, so I know it is possible to curtail this behavior while not renouncing any natural instincts or pleasures. I look at people too, and I disagree that women are inherently less sexual. I love sex and though I am monogamous have definitely been attracted to men sexually and did not follow through in any way (except looking a little). This is a complicated situation to write a quick message about, but I'm doing my best to fill in the gray shades betweem the many hostile posts I've read. I was hurt by my boyfriend's behavior. We talked. It took some time. We both took turns overreacting. I feel that now we have a good balance and I am confident being in situations with him where I know we will be interacting with very attractive women. I openly joke or make comments about beautiful women we see because it eases the pressure for everyone, rather than pretending that someone with extraordinary genes or a sexy outfit just didn't walk by. It is more fun to see them now as I can enjoy it too without worrying about the tension of watching him and not saying anything etc... So, I would join the consensus that you should say something, keep it simple, and hope that he is less obvious about it. And as others have said, its not personal, unless he is ignoring you in other ways or outright flirting. The person he stares at basically should not know he is doing it, otherwise it just gets ridiculous for everyone involved.
-
Your bf is male, and a little dumb
Men checking out women is what men are wired to do. It is impolite to stare at anyone you don't know. Those two things are in conflict.
Some men handle it better than others, but we all look, and we all feel at least a little excitement when a beautiful women is around.
To use feminist speak and call it men objectifying women is ridiculous. Is the lion objectifying the gazelle? We are animals and we can't help it. Women can't help but be cranky sometimes on a periodic basis. It's their nature. Do we have to pretend it isn't? What good does that serve?
In this case, it sounds like the bf is just being plain rude. If he was on the prowl, it would probably be the best way for him to meet a certain percentage of women.
No man is so stupid as to think they can get away without being seen, if they really make a big deal out of looking. If he's doing that, he's trying to prove something to himself, or you, or both. Cary's advice was spot on, but only if acted on in a sly way, and not in a shrill, accusatory way.
If he's not making a big deal about it, and he just catches a glance of a pretty lady every now and then when he thinks you aren't looking, well, get over it.
-
ha ha
"I appreciate knowing that I'm swine, stupid, sex-crazed, and so animalistic that I have to be trained like the dog before I can be taken out in public. I'm so glad all these generous women are here to tell me what a terrible creature I am."
I find it very amusing that there are a few whining letters like this which never mention the MEN commenting here who make other men sound like uncontrollable animals who should be able to get away with whatever they want because they're just wired that way.
-
The difference
The difference is between looking and remaining silent about it, versus telling your partner how wonderful it is. True, the "I'd tap that" carried the comparison a step too far -- I should have stopped at "What a rack," and then the comparison would have been equal to your idea. Seeing (and privately enjoying) a nice rack is one thing; telling your partner how nice it is takes the obnoxiousness to the next level.
If you see a rich guy and size up his assets, that's your business, as long as you don't make it my business. Don't assume I believe you aren't doing exactly that, either -- the other guys in the room aren't invisible, you know, and I'm quite aware of my net worth -- but I'm not making a big deal about it, because you haven't done anything to suggest you are engaging in anything more than idle daydreaming. When you say it out loud to me, you've made it clear that it's a big enough deal that I ought to know.
And as far as where it "could" go? When you start worrying about Miss Hotness-At-The-Bar slipping me a note, yeah, right, but thanks for the vote of confidence. I apparently have a clearer idea than you do of my chances to score.
Your point about women making it be about them is exactly the problem. When you drag us along shopping, we look at the underwear models on the packages, too, and enjoy that too.
Whats makes you think we have any more connection to the random hottie that crosses our fields of vision? If you ever catch me noticing someone across the room and then quickly avert my gaze and otherwise take steps to NOT make eye contact, that's when you should start worrying.