Letters to the Editor
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Details please, oneperson
You still haven't said exactly what he is doing. One person's "glance" might be another person's "stare." Is he being a swivel-head? Is he clearly staring at inappropriate places for long (i.e., quantifiable) durations? Is he getting reactions from the women he is checking out? Be very, very specific.
You've said that you think he is doing his checking out when he thinks you aren't looking. That in itself tells me he is at least trying to be discreet, which implies that he does take your feelings into account. You still think he's being way too obvious, but the fact that you are sensitive on the issue means that you might find something obvious that someone else does not. I'm trying for an objective measure of his objectionable behavior, and I can't do that unless you are very specific.
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Let's stop beating a dead horse
Anonymous, I know the difference between a glance and a stare.
Now that the conversation has segued into "Your momma" references, let's call it a day, shall we?
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how to get him to want to stop
Cary's advice is great. what that guy is doing, what I admit i do, is practically an unconscious reflex that he's had for decades. yelling at him to stop could provoke a defensive reaction. but gently mocking in the open, his surreptitious leering, will make him see "not leering" as a personal discipline challenge he will want to meet. it worked for me.
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I think women have their own ways of 'lusting' after men
It is generally true that men ogle women and women, while perhaps not unappreciative of male beauty, do not typically feel the urge to gaze/ogle.
But show me a wealthy powerful man who pays attention to a woman and I'll show you a woman doing her damndest to flirt and be attractive for him.
If men are 'programmed' to look, women are 'programmed' to attract. My boyfriend is unlikely to see me checking out male physiques passing by so will probably never feel the perturbation I feel when HE does it; on the other hand, when we are at a cocktail party and there are men who are wealthier and more successful than him present, I can spark the same jealous defensiveness in HIM by oohing and aaaahing over how very smart such and such guy must be, to be partner at that prestigious firm, to have the posh degree, to be driving the high end car.
Most men become intensely jealous at the notion that their women are attracted to some alpha male, and the feeling is doubled when the woman dares to believe the guy somehow earned it by meeting and beating other men (including bf) in fair competition.
I can argue that I'm 'programmed' to wear revealing clothes and compliment/titillate men who pay attention to me -- I'm 'programmed' to be attractive to men. It would be lame in the extreme, of course, to go to a party and soak up male attention - and egg it on - and then defend the behavior this way.
Another poster pointed out that demonstrating self control over his urges to gaze and be non-monogamous is difficult if not painful. Well, this is the nearest thing women have to that - an attractivve woman finds it nearly impossible not to search for evidence that men find her attractive. They can be quite unscrupulous about it, not caring where they get their reassurance. Men, after all, typically have a code where they don't hit on the girlfriends and wives of their friends, but women don't really have this sort of code. It's not too difficult to flatter a woman into betraying a friend by stealing a bf/husband - many find it difficult, if not painful, to turn down the attention.
Forget ogling men to 'get even'. Start talking in rapturous tones about the acheivements of men he sees as rivals. "Wow, Pete is really doing well for himself. He's a genius at the stock market! And he has such good taste - did you see his shoes? Their house is gorgeous, and they have new cars and send their kids to the best schools but he's really humble about his accomplishments. Nancy's super lucky!"
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My boyfriend and I do this, and I love it!
I trust my boyfriend absolutely and he trusts me. But we're both aware that we sometimes have eyes for a different flavor than the ones we committed to when we chose each other.
Sometimes I notice the woman before he does, and he always appreciates the tip-off. Sometimes I am more interested in the girl than he is, sometimes we argue about her qualities, sometimes I get annoyed and he laughs at me and gives me a hug.
I even point out men that I think are hot (though truthfully, this does happen less often). Though sometimes a little resentment is stirred up, the fact that it's out in the open creates space for us to tease each other and laugh over it, which in turn increases our attraction to each other. I think birddogging for your significant other is actually very healthy.
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Anonymous has multiple personalities
Literally. As in, anyone can post as that name. Let's not forget that, shall we?
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Degrees of obnoxious.
Talking in rapturous tones about his achievements in the stock market is NOT the equivalent of staring. It's the equivalent of elbowing your wife in the ribs and telling her, "God, what a rack. I'd love to tap that." There are degrees of obnoxious, after all.
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Age please?
The guy's behavior sounds really juvenile and clueless. If he's under 25, its immaturity. If he's over 25 and under 30, he needs course correction. If he's over 30, find someone else.
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@ avast 2006
The following quote is Dover bait:
"Men, after all, typically have a code where they don't hit on the girlfriends and wives of their friends, but women don't really have this sort of code."
Seriously, I don't believe this was a woman at all. Instead it is Ben Dover offering proof of this theory he has about men's code of honor. He claims women have no such code.
As a woman who has never poached a friend's husband or boyfriend, I find this whole bit pretty absurd. Also, as a woman, I have been on the receiving end of friend's husbands making very aggressive moves on me. I feel pretty repulsed at their disloyalty to their wives, who are, after all, my friends.
I am not saying that their are no women who make moves such as the "Anonymous" or bait their spouses or boyfriends in that manner, I am just saying that I don't know any.
If you will look back through Ben's posts (although you may not want to bother) you will find him using very similar wording to what I quoted above.
I am not signing name because the lame bastard keeps trying to call me out like some sort of gunslinger in Dodge City.
Oh well. Stupid is as stupid does.
Aren't guys at Salon lucky to have Ben Dover and Brightstar standing up for the rights of all the male sex? It's a good thing men are not all like that.
I hope.