Letters to the Editor
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AKA Smith
I gotta tell you, I was startled logging on to read something and noticing there were almost 200 posts for this letter. This is a topic surprisingly intense for such a crowd. Also, it was annoying to read on and find unbelievable insecurity and fear (and quite a bit of overprocessing). I wanted to shout out that this woman only wrote about a man looking at chicks. I mean a war of the roses right here on Salon, imagine that.
Then I find your post filled with simple wisdom:
"LW, your boyfriend will love you IF he loves you. He will respect you IF he respects you. Pretzel shape is for snacking and yoga and not for people. Only make the changes you are comfortable making."
Damn right.
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hey one person
You said, "Even secure women sometimes feel some insecurity- you'd have moments of insecurity too if you were constantly baraged on a daily basis with images of semi-clad drop-dead gorgeous women peddling products, posing on magazine covers, displayed on billboards...everywhere you look, the message is "you'll never be this beautiful." "
Moments of insecurity are to be embraced because they actually make you better, stronger, and more honest. It's OK to be insecure. Was it Henry Rollins who said, " The only real security in life is insecurity" ? We all get pelted with this advertising myth and the stars and the cleverly covered torsos of wannabe models and bullshit artists. We all get hit and no one escapes. Unless of course, you can transcend by knowing that who you are and what you are is right.
Focus on more than just where his eyes go. That is rudimentary if you are serious that you may marry this person. Listen to some of the posters here, there are some interesting and very personal takes on your sitch.
Don't get so caught up in the glitter. We all want to be loved unconditionally, it's human nature isn't it? You sound so bummed about this that I want to kick you boyfriend in the shins and he really didn't do anything, except exhibit bad manners and maybe poor taste.
We all have insecurities... run from someone who tells you otherwise.
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Sorry, Cary, a man's gotta do, etc...
Dear Mr. Tennis,
I personally couldn't give a shit whether anyone's man checks out other women. Chances are, it means he has one or two testicles hanging below his probably small member. I say, if you're asking a stranger for advice, then you're so lost that you might as well stay with the bastard. I have a more solemn duty here. I'm posting in this thread to say goodbye. In the last two years, your column has given me lots to think about, laugh at, and puzzle over. Your sense of ethics has strengthened me, and as a result, I can't visit Salon anymore. It started with The Fix, and now Audiofile is gone. Unless there is some amazing "beefing up" that occurs, maybe including a daily column devoted to both gossip AND music, then it's happy trails to you all. Someone on the very active story that's for some reason not listed under "Most Active Stories" (I'm referring to Joan Walsh's blog from Friday) pointed out that only about 25% of Salon's revenue comes from subscribers. While I thought I was doing the right thing by subscribing, what it really meant was that my voice would not be heard. So I have to follow my heart, and urge your readers to do the same, in not visiting Salon anymore, lest someone gets the idea that killing Audiofile was a good business decision. Sorry, Cary, but it seems like the new revenue dynamic just doesn't work for us, the readers. Would you do me a favor, and let your bosses know?
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It's all about the power
Anyone in a relationship who continues to do something their partner has repeatedly told them is unpleasant to live with is getting off on their partner's discomfort. I don't care what excuse is given, either. If there is no attempt to work out some kind of compromise, the perpetrator is enjoying it. It's an adult form of playground bullying.
I've never been in the LW's situation. This isn't to say that the men in my life have had blinders on, only that I've never dated a man who ogled so flagrantly that it got on my nerves. They weren't neutered, just discreet. It can be done.
Looking at other women isn't the problem. Everyone looks. Doing so in such a way as to make one's partner squirm is. That's a cheap power trip, and should never be indulged.
Oh, and just because a man is talking marriage doesn't mean he loves you. Men marry for a lot of reasons. Love is only one of them.
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I...
Sure I 'look'. It would be hard not to. I admire the opposite sex and to be honest, sometimes the same sex.
There is a difference between 'looking' and 'mentally groping'.
Someone who looks for a reaction from the stare-ee is looking for something. Some affirmation that they are 'worth being stared at' or that their attention is somehow wanted or appreciated.
There is a fine line between 'looking' and 'leering'. Lecherous old men and jerks leer. Pedophilic catholic 'priests' leer. Little boys that like to believe that they are 'all that' leer. Megalomaniac lechorous pigs leer.
Doing it in front of the woman that you claim (at the time) is just mean and callous.
leer
look or gaze in an unpleasant, malicious, or lascivious way :
bystanders were leering at the nude painting | [as adj. ]
(leering) every leering eye in the room was on her.
I learned decades ago that men are pigs, that from my current wife. Yes, men *can* be pigs. This 'boy friend' IS a pig. Give this 'gods gift to women' and his wandering eye his walking papers unless he can be trained to stay in his own yard.
Men that leer like that disrespect you and they disrespect themselves too. Doing it in front of you makes it dramatically worse. You can do better...
Looking for recognition of the recipient is at cross purposes acknowledging the look but reinforcing the power trip of the leerer. Reinforcing the idea that men are 'allowed' to treat women like that. Tolerating it isn't the answer... It's a sign of his lack of commitment. Reel him in or let him go. It's also about respect. He doesn't respect you or himself.