Letters to the Editor
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What's the big deal?
I really don't get it - why are so many women in favor of the "dump him if he won't stop" or "it's disrespectful" camp?
It's natural for men to check out other women. To use a worn cliché, just because he's on a diet doesn't mean he can't look at the menu.
If a man is committed to you, loves you, and doesn't want to be with anyone else, he's still gonna look. Women are pretty, and men and women BOTH look. It doesn't say anything about his feelings for or commitment to you.
If a man isn't committed to you and doesn't love you, he's ALSO going to look. It's truly not a barometer for anything but the fact that he has eyeballs.
I look at other men. I even discuss attraction to other men with my fiancé. I know which women he finds attractive and which ones he doesn't. None of this makes either of us worry the other will stray, nor do we think it's disrespectful. I'd say try not to let it both you, 'cause it doesn't mean anything.
And Cary's advice was perfect.
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that's
"bother" you.
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you blew this one, Carey
My husband of 30+ years has done this for as long as I've known him. It happens most noticably when we're in the car; he'll turn his head and look across me to check out a woman in a car beside us or walking along the street. I've never found a good way to deal with it.
I asked him once why he does it and he said he likes to look at faces. Right. Apparently only thin, female faces that are between the ages of 16 and 36. I have the feeling he's not even aware of what he's doing. He doesn't cheat or flirt. Just looks.
It's rude and it never fails to annoy me. The upside? I will miss him less when he's gone.
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I'm the Letter Writer...
Thanks for all the feedback. I did want to make a couple of comments in clarification-
First of all, it's a little alarming that some of you would be jumping all over the "red flags and contradictions" in my letter. I wrote a letter to an advice columnist; I'm not defending a thesis here.
My intention was to communicate that my boyfriend is an overall great guy, we have a good, loving relationship, and for that reason I'm conflicted about confronting him with this issue. Some of you seem to understand why it bothers me, others of you seem to think my self-esteem is abysmally low, others seem to think I raise the question in order to wage all-out gender war.
I don't get it. I asked a simple question. I asked for some advice as to how to deal with the issue- I'm not sure how "Thought Police" enters into that, and I'm not sure how my question would indicate that my boyfriend is about to cheat on me, that we enjoy no true intimacy because I haven't confronted him, or that this issue keeps me up at nights because I chose to write an advice columnist about it.
Seriously, isn't this what an advice column is for? (and to the guy who claims that women will come up with ridiculous shit to start a fight...I don't want to start a fight. That's the point of my writing. Why are you so hostile?)
Thanks again for all of your comments and advice. It's clear that this is an issue many of you have confronted, and clearer still that the overwhelming majority suggest I talk to him about it in an unaccusatory way. So that's what I intend to do.
Cary's advice...well, I'm grateful he published my letter. But I'm not about to evaluate women on their butt size, that's just...not helpful.
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The Jerry and George situation
That's the distinction that needs to be made here.
The episode where they go to the NBC producers house to discuss their show. The man's daughter comes home and Jerry can see down her shirt, so he nudges George and he proceeds to stare and get caught by the girls father.
So if her boyfriend is looking like Jerry did at the young Denise Richards, then yes, she does need to figure out to get over it and make jokes about it or something.
But if her boyfriend is staring like George did, then his manners need some adjustment.
I have huge breasts, i know they get stared at and commented on, but I have noticed between the guys who can't keep their eyes off of them, and the ones who just sort of get a peek down the shirt then go oh, maybe I shouldn't stare at my friends wife's tits and go back to talking to my husband.
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Sorry, but Miss Manners offers better advice.
This is from her reply to someone who complained about a friend stopping to stare at women during their conversations:
"You might try that. Not ogling ladies, of course, which is a nasty habit. But asking him brightly, 'Who's that? Do you know her? Should we go over and say hello?'"
Therefore, my first suggestion is that the LW try the "innocent" suggestion above. This should make it clear that her boyfriend needs to be more discreet. He may not realize that he is being obvious. If, however, he admits to "just checking out the merchandise," she should tell him rather firmly that she didn't realize that he was still shopping. He may still be unrepentant and not do her the courtesy of more discreet glances. Miss Manners and all other experts whom I checked on line are absolutely clear. Glancing is okay. Staring is not.
It has always been rude to stare at people. Even animals recognize that staring is a sign of aggression. An animal will look away to signal non-agression or compliance.
If the above tactic does not work for the LW and her boyfriend seems so uncivilized as not to moderate his behavior, and, for some absurd reason, she still wants to keep him, I suggest that she go shopping.
She should purchase the following: A halter top with a plunging neckline that leaves a few inches of midriff showing while worn above a hipster skirt. The skirt should be very short and barely cover her underwear at her thighs. It should neglect to cover her underwear at back, so that her thong shows as a "whaletail" above the skirt. (If she does not own a thong, she should purchase a lacy one.) In addition, slut shoes are important. They should be black patent platform sandals with a rather high "fuck me" heel. She should go to the hair dresser and explain that she is playing a streetwalker in a walk-on part in a play. Ask that the hairdresser style her hair in whatever style cheap tramps are wearing these days. Next -- but not least -- the makeup. It should be extreme. Dark heavy kohl around her eyes, glittery eyeshadow, heavy foundation, and glossy, frosty lipstick.
The very next date out with her boyfriend the LW should prepare carefully. Bathe, shave -- Don't forget that bikini line! Put on an emphatic fragrance like Opium or Shalimar. Then put on the getup. DON'T wear a bra!
You are now ready, LW, to give your boyfriend something worth staring at. When he asks why you are dressed in that manner, tell him that you wanted to make sure that he only has eyes for you and that men stare at you in the same manner that he has been staring at other women.
If he is a decent guy worth keeping, he may not want to go out with you dressed like that. Insist.
If he is a sorry so-and-so, he will ask if you want to see if, together, you can catch a threesome.
In any case, you will make your point and he will never forget it. Chances are, if he is worth keeping, he will change.
Remember that you are not asking him to alter his basic biology but to mere adopt a civilized veneer. Think of it as his knowing how to pick up the right fork at an elaborate dinner. Do you really want a guy who can't find the right fork? Or the right bed?