Letters to the Editor
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"No. He won't. He'll just learn to hide it from you better."
I agree with that. However, I think that's enough for the majority of women. I certainly realize that guys look at other women, think about other women, fantasize about other women, jerk off to other women. That doesn't mean I want to think about those facts every single day when I see my boyfriend staring at other women.
I'd compare the situation to that of a man who's married to a woman who had several previous sex partners. He knows she's been with other men. He realizes that's not going to change. But in most cases, he'd prefer not to think about those men, and whether they were better or bigger or more attractive than him.
Couples don't need to share everything, and just because something is true doesn't mean you should have to confront it. So learn to hide it better, and I think things will be fine.
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Typical Advice
I think if the woman in question is really bothered by her boyfriend checking out other women all the time, then pretending that she's okay with his behavior isn't going to solve the problem. In my experience, when women try to be "cool" and "one of the guys"--thereby ignoring their own feelings in the process--they merely encourage the men to keep doing the very thing(s) that hurt them in the first place.
Women everywhere are told that men are visual creatures, that oogling other women has nothing to do with how they feel about you in particular, that it's just biological...blah...blah...blah...just because women are told that something is "biological" doesn't mean they have to accept it as unalterable.
It's time women started asserting that their feelings of being prioritized--visually and otherwise--in men's lives is also a biological need and should be taken seriously.
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A word of advice for the guys,
don't be a sucker:
"After recently reviewing 67 studies on the subject, University of Oklahoma researchers found that PD (Parental Discrepancy aka Paternity Fraud) rates tend to be much higher among men who have reason to believe there's been more than one dog in the yard. No surprise there. But leave out these men and you end up with a number that can safely be assumed to represent the rest of us. That number is 3.85 percent. Another review of 19 studies by a group at Liverpool John Moores University backs this up, putting the figure at 3.7 percent of dads. It may not seem like a lot—until you do the math. According to a 2005 U.S. Census Bureau report, there are 27,940,000 fathers nationwide with a child under 18. That means over a million guys out there are taking care of some other man's kid."
Look at the ladies all you want. If she is insecure that is her problem.
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What Else Is Going On While the BF is Ogling?
Are they sitting down at the mall? Are they sightseeing at the Grand Canyon? Are they grocery shopping?
If they are at the mall, then I would chill a little. Malls are pretty much made for people-watching of all sorts. Kinda hard to avoid. However, if you're in the middle of a conversation and are not being heard because he's busy staring at girls walking by, then it is a rudeness thing, not a girl-watching problem. It would be just as irritating if he was checking out all the athletic shoes being worn. Of course it goes without saying that a really serious conversation should not be conducted in the middle of a busy mall.
I'm capable of making mountains out of molehills from time to time just like everyone else, but I guess I never saw ogling as being that big a deal unless it made it impossible to complete the task at hand because of all the interruptions, which was rare. In those instance, I would say something, but only to the point that I would like his uninterrupted attention for a few minutes.
My husband has never been particularly irritating with his ogling, or maybe he has always been more subtle. I remember after we were married, he started pointing out women and saying, "I think you would look good in that type of sweater." Now that we are older, the ogling is more TV-oriented, and is more of the "So are those real?" or "Is that guy wearing a toup?" A lot more fun since we don't have to worry about anyone hearing us.
Cary's advice might work, but the part about the LW assigning a number? That might be going a little too far. Most young guys are not used to this and he might wonder if she is scoping for women to lock up in her basement.
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Durr
"just because women are told that something is "biological" doesn't mean they have to accept it as unalterable."
I agree. A woman's jealousy is essentially a biological function. She should join up with the 21st century and check that stone aged shit at the door.
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Are you kidding?
"If he comes back with a '4,' you reply, 'You're right. She has a fat butt.'
Thus you may be able to slowly win over his confidence and trust."
Yes, that's definitely what you should do -- insult another woman who has nothing to do with the situation as a trust-building exercise between you and your man.
It's no wonder women hate themselves and visit their self-loathing on themselves and each other. Because when a man who's supposed to care about and desire you shows a lack of respect for your feelings by blatantly staring at other women's body parts, you're "supposed" to respond by turning your hurt feelings into contempt for another woman. That makes so much more sense than asking yourself why you're with someone who can't show a little bit of manners around you.
And women with fat butts are so deserving of contempt, aren't they?
Cary, maybe you should call in sick when you're feeling like this. Because we don't need this disdain from you.
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Behind every man...
is a woman--enabling him.
LW, either your man wants you, or not. Either you're comfortable w/his ogling others while he's w/you, or you're not.
I'm so sick of reading letters from women who ask if stuff like this is OK, when it's so NOT! If it bothers you, speak up! Nothing will change til you voice your feelings--and if nothing changes, why do you want a man who doesn't want you?
Granted, men are visual. But that doesn't mean he has to be visual while he's w/YOU. If he wants to look, he will, but he doesn't have to rub your face in it. If you've brought it to his attention and he still disregards your feelings, that means he doesn't care about, or respect, you enough to change his behavior.
YOU have to set a boundary that he knows he can't approach, let alone cross, w/out consequence. Obviously he feels free to cross the line no matter how you feel. Then it's up to you to enforce it--but only if you're prepared to stand by your word. Otherwise, said BF will know that you don't mean what you say and continue his behavior til he graduates to other atrocities (for you, that is).
Personally I'd rather be alone and open to meet a man (or men) who's thrilled to be w/me, than be w/someone who's just "killing time" w/me til something better shows up. So how "committed" can he be if he's "assessing the merchandise" at all times?
From your letter, I think this guy is looking for greener pastures b/c he's tired of grazing at yours. Which also means he's not such a "great" or "decent" guy, after all.
As another poster pointed out: he's really not your BF, and you ARE in a fantasy of 1. And when BF leaves you--and from your letter, he's got 1 foot out the door already--you've only yourself to blame b/c you LET him make a doormat of you.