Letters to the Editor
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It sounds like you're not OK with it, so either tell him to stop or dump him.
Hey LW, you don't have to force yourself to like something that obviously bothers you.
It sounds like lots of people here think you *ought* not to be bothered by this (probably you think this yourself?), but evidently you are bothered.
You know you can't erase your feelings. You're going to have to bring them up with the BF.
So, talk to your BF, tell him how it makes you feel, and ask him to stop (or at least stop making it so obvious). If he doesn't stop, he probably doesn't care much about you and you're better off without him anyway.
Much better than lying to him and pretending that you're cool with it when you're not. Lying about your feelings is not a great way to strengthen your relationship or your confidence in it, no matter what Cary says. (geez, Cary, WTF?)
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"he simply can't help seeing and he comments before he thinks"
of couse he can help it. We all have free will to do what we want. We make choices and take deliberate actions.
He CAN help it, he simply chooses to do it even though it bothers you. He claims he can't help it and you chose to buy into the delusion rather than admit your husband cares more about oogling other women than respecting his wife. Observing and appreciating are not the same as oogling. We can all observe and appreciate, but should draw the line at noticible oogling if it disrespects our partners
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Bad Manners
As one poster pointed out, it's about manners. Checking out other women while with you is bad manners on the part of your boyfriend. I will add that openly checking out women is just bad manners in general, unless that you're in a place where that is the whole point. Not a lot of women like being stared at by men while they're out and about in their daily lives.
If I was dating a guy who was perfect for me in every way except he had the bad habit of loudly burping in public, I'd make every effort to cure him of that habit. One can burp without making a specticle of it. One can admire women without being obvious.
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Everyone Does It - Just Not In Front Of Significant Other
I don't particularly enjoy shoe shopping, but I enjoy playing many people watching games when I'm walking around/ out in the world solo. I'm sure many people play similar looking games without serious intent, like "would I or wouldn't I" or the more innocent "how attractive do I find that person". I do think that, although we all notice other people while out with our significant others, we also are thinking beings who have the power to exercise self-control. Controlling your visible reaction to an attractive passer-by is not difficult. If it is difficult, you will probably be experiencing other social difficulties.
My point is that, if you care about the feelings of your partner (male or female) and you haven't specifically planned to look at others to charge yourselves up, making a personal point of not obviously looking at others and consciously paying compliments and attention to your lover is the course of action that strengthens the bond most. If you both know that you are titillated by looking at others, go for it. If not, have resepct for your lover's vision of what a good relationship looks like, and try to provide it if it is acceptable to you and doesn't cost you too much personal freedom.
I will also say that some people are titillated by their partner looking at others (and so on), and if both agree that that's ok in the relationship, great!
Also, it needs to be noted that, although looking at others may be seen as discourteous, if your partner polices your behavior obsessively or in a way that is personally hurtful to you, consider whether they are being abusive and think about getting out. That abusively controlling behavior is distinctly different from the run of the mill hurt-feelings discussion over looking at others while out together.
Useful link on this: http://www.thesafehome.org/Completed/signs_of_abuse.htm
It should be stressed that men or women in relationships can be victims to this kind of controlling abuse.
On a last side note, I wanted to add that while our culture completely condones men's interest in others regardless of whether they are out with their significant, many people seem to think that women don't look at people with a sexually curious/appreciative gaze, a ridiculous assertion.
One possible reason that more hetero women aren't tempted to stare at men is that in our culture, women are "marked" and men are "unmarked"(Deborah Tannen) in manner of dress, personal grooming, etc, meaning that women's styles of dress and grooming are culturally designed to mark them as objects to be looked at, while men's styles of dress and grooming are designed to designate them as non-objects, as subjects, "a regular person" instead of something to look at. This makes for a more boring scope for hetero women to look at, but many have the imagination to make do.
I have noticed that men are very uncomfortable with a woman who gazes at them the way our culture claims men "naturally" stare at women. Women, try it sometime and see how many men are not ok with you rating them as you walk by.
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DOES he respect you?
you already know if he respects you and he loves you, right? If he does, this isn't an issue. If he doesn't, you know what to do.
I caught my boyfriend doing this a LOT when we were first together, and it bugged me. We had fights over it. Then once when we were walking, I saw this amazingly beautiful girl in cowboy boots across the street, and I was so busy watching her that I fell in a pothole & sprained my ankle - BADLY. That was pretty much the end of me giving him a hard time about staring. And we both have a HUGE laugh over that one all the time.
The point is that I know he loves me and thinks I'm gorgeous, because he tells me all the time. So why make his staring thing bigger than it is?