Letters to the Editor
-
Very interesting advice
When I first saw the topic, my reaction was "Dump him." Then, after reading the letter, I thought "Just tell him it bothers you, and if he really cares about you he will at least try to be more circumspect." But then I read Cary's response, and I like it a lot.
My guess is that the most likely result is that he starts being much more surreptitious with his ogling. He may start to make it a game the two of you play. But I expect it to embarrass him, at least to the extent that he will try to avoid being so obvious.
I doubt this will make him actually stop, although that is possible. But I do think this is great advice.
-
You lost me at "5"
I get what Cary's trying to suggest, and it's not the worst idea in the world. But I find the whole "1 to 10" thing just icky, and the idea of a woman participating in that kind of thing ("you're right -- she has a fat butt") makes me recoil. I'm thinking it would be more consistent with both sisterhood and girlfriendhood to try and find pleasing attributes in the women the boyfriend is ogling, and to point them out instead of being so critical. And it has the added benefit of making the LW seem self-confident and magnanimous.
-
Hilarious advice! Slam Dunk!
She's letting him know that she knows without seeming whiny.
But if you're going to stick with him, he's going to have to break HIMSELF of this. It's plain rude.
I found a slug in the arm pretty effective, but that guy with a wandering eye was a bit of a masochist, so I may have been just adding fuel to the fire! The guy I married never looks at another woman with me around EVER. I'm more likely to say, "What a cute girl!" than he is. He will say something if I say something first. So being a man, he looks, but he keeps it to himself.
What can I say? He had me at "Cindy Crawford is homely. I just don't get it."
-
I had the exact same problem!
At first I tried to be humorous about it. He seems to need to get a reaction from the women he's ogling - he never looks away until they 've exchanged smiles.
"Shall I leave you two alone?" I'd ask when I caught him gazing. Interestingly, he was unable to have a sense of humor about it - he was always defensive or denying. I suppose he felt I was judging him, or about to get pissed.
I tried the 'if you can't lick 'em, join 'em' strategy, but since straight men do not generally groom themselves for The Gaze, pickings can be slim.
I finally solved the problem by refusing to notice what my boyfriend is noticing when we're out and about. Instead, I focus on who is noticing me. I catch the glances coming my way and smile back and the guys who smile at me. If BF notices, he generally gets grumpy but says nothing...but it seems to hae a chilling effect on his wandering eye. If he doesn't notice, who cares, I'm having fun with a behavior I am proving to myself is harmless, which makes me less obsessive about him when HE does it.
-
what are you looking for?
You don't say how old you are or what it is you are looking for in a boyfriend. If you are a mere youth, are not engaged in a real quest for a solid partner, and/or are highly susceptible to the charms of this particular man, you might want to tolerate his behavior while you figure out how you feel about it and him.
I put up with men who behaved in this way in college and in my twenties. I felt myself becoming more critical in my 30s and even hostile to demonstrations like those you describe that a man is, if only temporarily, objectifying women.
Then at 37, I had the great good fortune to marry a man who did not behave this way--and I also have the hots for him. Now 43, I do not look kindly on men who stare at women to discern their physical assets. I see this as juvenile, unintelligent, and mysogynistic behavior. It is behavior that cannot be gently upgraded. It must be rooted out.
The important distinction is that women are not their bodies, and sophisticated, loving people know this and do not get confused about this in their everyday conduct or street behavior. Men who size women up as you describe are indulging in a habit of apprehending women in terms of their bodies and faces. I submit that this distorts their future relations with these and all women. I further submit that men who do not force themselves to behave better because their own value system requires it will not make good partners. Men should be embarassed to behave in this obvious, literalistic way and look for approaches to people, including women, that are more complex and ennobling.
-
Take it both ways
Cary's advice is spot-on. I check out other women, but rather than wait for her to ask my opinion, I ask her what she thinks. "Wow, the woman serving ice cream is really gorgeous, don't you think?" And she often agrees (and sometimes she doesn't). But I also point out guys that I think she would find attractive, and again ask her opinion. Now she feels comfortable pointing out guys to me whom she finds attractive, and asking my opinion. It's quite interesting, and never hurtful.
Sometime it can be rousing fun! For example, she'll point how she thinks Angelina Jolie has fat lips that are unattractive, and I say I actually like them. So then she'll make the poofiest lips she can, and I'll make a show of how much fun they are to kiss, and we get a good laugh.
-
gaze police
My current girlfriend is not the jealous type and we check out girls and guys together all the time. It feels great not to have to hide my curiosity and interest in my human environment. I can be honest and so can she. What is the point of putting on the blinders or faking that we are not distracted by the beauty of others? I prefer to work on the insecurities behind any desire for a gaze monogamous relationship rather than participate in any gaze police preoccupation. My most relaxing experience was on the Paris Metro, those starring unashamedly outnumbered those looking down or out the window, pretending they were alone.