Letters to the Editor
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It sounds like a good idea
Hey therapist, you look like you're faking it!
But wouldn't it just be better to find a new therapist? I don't know if I could pay someone to listen to me who's behaviors I find annoying and fake.
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How long have you felt this way? What was your relationship like with your mother? Does that bother you? Why? How does that make you feel? How did that make you feel? And then how did you feel? How do you feel now?
Hold on, let me make sure I understand this: you're going to a therapist, meaning you think (or someone who forced you to go thinks) that you have something you need to resolve, understand, or conquer... and the thing you need help with is what to do about a squinting mental health professional? Is this a trick question? Did I miss something?
Oh, and Cary, I loved your response -- a glimpse into the imagination of a selectively mad columnist. Thanks, I enjoyed it.
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*sigh*
Cary, you should have stopped at the end of the second sentence. Nice and simple, and it would certainly have been refreshing.
But no...
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New Therapist
Here's the thing about therapists. It doesn't matter how much school she's had, how many books she's read, how well she empathizes. What matters about a therapist is that when you sit your butt down in her office, you feel safe. Safe enough to show yourself what it is that makes you who you are. It's like dating, if 'it' isn't there, forget it now, walk away, ain't gonna happen. If this therapist does something that pulls you out of you, out of delving your own personal depths and dark places, she's just not the right one for you. It's a mistake to think of therapy as a service, it is a relationship. Yes, it is perhaps the world's most one sided relationship, but if you're either broken enough that therapy is essential to continue to breath or wealthy enough to have the time and money to indulge in therapy, this will quickly become one of the most important relationships you will ever have.
I used to want to strangle my therapist, a kind, flinty, clear-headed kind of woman who called 'bullshit' when she saw it. When you've managed to construct your life so that no one ever points out that you're being an idiot, you get a bit riled when someone oh so politely informs you that the Emperor has no clothes. Has she ever told me what to do? No. Has she ever informed me with a velvet gloved punch to the gut that I am completely and utterly full of shit? Yes. And, let me tell you, if you sit down with another human being and untangle all those messy bits that make us behave like four year olds, the fact that you take each step trusting yourself more than you trust anyone else in the world will be the bedrock under your life's work.
In other words, if your therapist bugs you, you can't possibly get any work done with her. Unless you are one of those people who has no interest in actually getting any work done and you're just making excuses to not look inside yourself. But that's at least ten more paragraphs. So we'll stick with 'get a new therapist.'
Best of luck!
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Save money, ask us
Cary,
No, no, no. We can't have therapists actually telling people what to do because then you'd be out of a job and we'd have no fun at all!
And people already know what to do before they go to a therapist. They go because the therapist will let people go through all their dumb excuses over and over until even the patients can't stand the stupidity of it any longer and they suck it up and go to the damned DMV, or get a divorce or move out of their parents' basement or get a new job or tell their cubicle mate about that body odor problem or whatever.
But we digress, as usual.
LW, the squinty face is the only face she has, and this is how it works. Take it or leave it. You can wear a blindfold, but if she doesn't talk then you might as well be alone. And besides, you'd be able to imagine her squinting, so that won't work.
Either you should have interviewed a couple of therapists and picked this up before you started, or you're using this as yet another excuse to avoid doing what you know you need to do. But no sense looking back.
Right now, you have three choices:
1. Do the interview process the right way and find a person you like to look at while you spend months deciding what to do.
2. Suck it up and decide and use the money you save to take a long vacation somewhere wonderful to celebrate the joy of having the matter settled.
3. Write to Cary and tell us your real problem and we'll give you a hundred options for free. You can't see us make faces. We almost never pretend to care. We either do or we don't and you can tell right away. You can keep trying our ideas until one works, and still take the vacation.
Come on, gives us a chance.
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Tell Her, Let Her Respond, and then Decide
LW, absolutely you should tell your therapist how her expression distracts you. You can tell her in a way that's matter-of-fact, not insulting or offensive.
It's important for her to know that somehow you doubt her sincerity. She could, of course, be doing this naturally, not realizing how she's coming across to you (especially if she's never heard it from anyone else). Or she could lob it back to you and suggest that you have a problem with trusting people or being overly skeptical, or some such thing.
The important thing is that you tell her, and listen to her response. If it's one where she can modify her behavior to make you feel more comfortable, then perhaps you can work with that. But if she thinks it's more your problem than hers, then you should look for a therapist with whom you feel more comfortable. Or, she could just recognize that you might not work well as her patient. Therapists are, I'm sure, used to seeing some patients with whom they don't connect well, and sometimes can refer them to a colleague or two. No harm, no foul.
This you should remember: Therapists are people, too. Some are obtuse; some home in and connect well with their patients. It doesn't mean that she or he should take everything you say at face value and agree with you--that's not doing their job. But it's important, especially in the beginning, to gain your trust and help you get to a comfort zone to open up. You won't be able to do that if you're impeded by an expression or certain behavior.
If you're serious about getting help, put this right out there and deal with the response. You can either work with her, or you can't. There's nothing to be afraid of.
You deserve to get the help you need, so don't let yourself get tripped up by this and inadvertently shortchange yourself. I wish you luck.