Letters to the Editor
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stick with the creepy perv attitude
'Cuz it is creepy; these taboos are taboo for very good reason. Cary's right in telling you do NOT let on in any way about your feelings. That especially includes exchanging looks. Don't encourage it even non-verbally (that's often the worst of all because it feels so 'clandestine' and that gives it mysterious power)It's a passing thing-- and probably more common than people admit. Just keep boundaries firmly in place and don't feed it in any way.
And did you consider that you might find him attractive because he's a younger version of your husband? Whatever he has is simply another version of what drew you to your husband, keep that in mind. Fantasy always seems better than reality because it never gets tested -- it remains pure in its false perfection. YOur husband is the reality; his son is the fantasy version of your husband. Face your husband's flaws, embrace the marriage fully and keep a proper distance from the son and it will pass.
And if the son is attracted, it's likely because teenage guys are horny, horny, horny and as one comedian said "I'd get an erection just from a bus going by". Cary's also right about the flirtation thing;he's testing his powers of attraction. Also, I recall when I was a teen I just loved the "forbidden love" angle; taboo attraction felt all that much hotter. Then I recalled that when the person became available I felt very little attraction, and the same was true for him.
And when all else fails, remember what a maladjusted creep Woody Allen is and ask yourself if you want to be like him.
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Time to read Euripides again...
Yo, Phaedra! Read Euripides' Hippolytus if you want to see the disaster you court!
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"get the ball rolling"'s response makes a good point
Seriously,if after working on your relationship, your husband proves unwilling to meet you halfway and won't work on the sexual side of your relationship, then why not follow "ball rolling"'s advice and tell your husband how you feel about his son. It's crazy, but your situation is crazy, too.
As outrageous as it sounds, it might be a serious reality check that will prevent a messed-up triangle and everyone can move onto a (hopefully)normal life. You don't have to live with a rejecting husband, but you can't screw his son, sorry. How messed up would that be for your daughter? Could she ever respect you? Would that be a good role model? You'd only end up feeling less respect for yourself.
Find someone new if hubby won't appreciate you and you both can't make it work together with counseling.
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Well lets hope there's no foster children in your future
When you have been acting in a parental fashion towards a child, just because they have hit sexual maturity and are not blood relations does not make fucking okay you perv.
By your logic any parent who adopts an older child is fully within their rights to start having sex with the kid when they hit 16 or 17, hey they aren't blood related right?
It is ick to think of a person you have been raising as your child as your new paramour.
Not some 17 yr old who you saw on the street or even one of her stepson's friends.
Oh and it's also illegal.
it is not an age prudery thing, it is a child parent thing.
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Thanks-cold shower taken
I'm the letter writer.
I felt sufficiently gross after pressing send on the letter to Cary that I may be "over it", and appreciate additional help in that direction from Cary and other thoughtful letter writers.
Probably not much else to say- hey, even I said it was a no-brainer. I'm a pretty straight laced person, with a job and life, thank goodness, so can focus on other things.
And no, nothing has happened. I will endeavor to make sure it does not.
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To paraphrase Yoda:
"And no, nothing has happened. I will endeavor to make sure it does not."
Do, or do not. There is no "endeavor".
Seriously, you don't have to endeavor, you have to do your bit to ensure nothing happens. Trying doesn't enter into it. If you say you are trying, you are giving yourself permission to fail.
Glad that you realize that this is one of the more profoundly bad of all bad ideas you could come up with. Good luck and good speed in reorganizing your thinking.
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I'm voting for "The real problem is your lack of marital relations, not the attraction factor between you and your stepson" for Editor's Choice
Dear Sandra M,
Thanks for responding to the LW here with compassion, respect, and very wise advice. Nicely said.
:)
Bodhibound
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"Dude fucked his MOM"
LW consider yourself lucky that isn't flying across the school on the wings of text messaging. So far, anyway.
Keep those gross feelings front and center. Shame and guilt are great guides to behavior.
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Some of the respondents here need more help than the LW
Good God. I knew that Salon was a palace of female empowerment and male blame, and that these fora in particular are populated with an unhealthy proportion of women-firsters, but in this thread, they really came out of the woodwork.
The problem isn't that she needs to feel sexier. The problem isn't her husband's fault for not screwing her into contentment. The solution certainly isn't for her to screw her stepson; as much as some of you are quick to claim that boys can't be the victims of sexual abuse (and I think every last one of those rat bastards needs to be tracked by the police for the rest of their goddamned lives), whatever he may want in terms of getting laid, it sure as hell shouldn't be by his stepmother!
Stop trying to fix evil with aromatherapy, you idiots. Stop trying to find the nearest man to blame. And stop trying to sic female sexual predators onto prey.
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Congratulations, LW
I am sure the other responders here (except for the few who mistook this for a Penthouse discussion) are so glad you sought advice when you felt yourself heading for trouble -- and were tough enough to handle our amateur analysis.
I do ache for you (in a sympathetic, been there way) in loving someone who isn't able or willing to deal with the sexual incompatibility issue. It has happened to many of us, men and women, and the lack of intimacy is a real problem that shouldn't be devalued or considered just a demand for sex.
Please take care of yourself, and best wishes to you in finding a respectful, loving solution that works for both you and your husband. In the meantime, be nice to yourself. Take your little one on a few girls' weekends, so dad and son can do more bonding and you can get some fresh air.