Letters to the Editor
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It's okay to feel attracted to inappropriate people
It's not okay to act on it in any way. There will always be people in the world whom you find attractive and who are unavailable. Sometimes they are married, or subordinates, or young people... or simply unavailable sexually. It doesn't matter. In one of my favorite movie lines, Katherine Hepburn in "The African Queen" says "Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put in this world to rise above." It's okay to feel inappropriate feelings, but please follow Mr. Tennis's advice and don't even acknowledge them to your step-son.
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Consider the future
I don't have any personal experience with this kind of situation, but wouldn't it help LW to take the long-view here? I don't think it matters how hot or mature or self-possessed her stepson is, acting on her attraction or even confessing it to her stepson is just inappropriate. If she confesses to or acts on her attraction, it'll be a miserable mess to deal with down the road. Once you act, it's not like you can compartmentalize your stepson and never deal with that or think about it again. There's no happy ending to that storyline. Rather, on that path one could eventually guarantee major drama and painful therapy for the LW, stepson, and husband. LW should think about what it will be like to look back on how she handled this situation after the fact, and take care to minimize her regret. A bit of serious meditation on that thought should be enough to cool her fire.
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Acting on it isn't the only worry
Of course LW shouldn't act on these feelings. But part of her problem is that she's cultivating the fantasy. She's already playing out in her head scenarios in which her stepson makes a move (which is never going to happen) and all the nuances of the conversation that might ensue. She is crafting very specific and developed fantasies, which only deepen the feelings and make them seem more urgent. Sure, we can't help wanting unavailable people. But the discipline is not to foment the longing. This isn't harmless, people could get hurt. She needs to reorient her thinking (closes her eyes and thinks about him and night? this has got to change). The fantasies themselves are betrayals of both her relationship with her stepson (to whom she's been a mother figure since age 9!) and to her husband.
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Kid's flirt
Many young teenagers (male and female) flirt alot, especially when they feel safe. They're testing out their wiles and how to get their own way.
Your stepson should feel completely safe if he's acting "cute" or even sexy with you. It's your job to ignore it and act appropriately. Unless he makes a blatant move on you (very doubtful), do NOT bring up the issue with him. If he really does have a crush on you it will pass, he doesn't need all the drama of your stuff to weigh him down at this stage of his life.
Thinking about inappropriate things is normal, it sounds like you might be obsessing a little bit and that is not okay. Please, don't make any mistakes that will ruin you, your husband and your stepson's life.
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You're the MOM! (Cary's Right)
Cary is totally right about this young man's experimenting with flirtatious, persuasive, and alluring behavior. He's right to advise the LW to keep this all in perspective, and to keep her troubling feelings to herself.
I have two sons, 20 and 15, and, believe me, sons do this with their own (biological) mothers, as well--especially when they want something. It's the equivalent of a daughter "flirting" with Daddy to get what she wants.
It has nothing to do with a sexual attraction to the mom--it's an acting out, experimenting, testing the boundaries. It's natural for all children to do this, and it's up to the parents to keep those boundaries in place.
When I see young, attractive men, I admire them, but tend to feel maternal toward them. Sometimes I just think about how I diapered my gorgeous son's tushy--and believe me, that can knock the eroticism out of anything!
In addition, if you DO say anything to your stepson, it will totally freak him out. He's not seeing you as a real sexual object, but filtering his own sexuality through your responses. Therefore, letting him know you're attracted to him will scare him to death, and he'll retreat and no longer seek your company. Your company, that of a responsible, caring, female adult, is very valuable to him. You should be very flattered that he wants to spend time with you to figure out how to act--and not act--with a woman. You can show him, by example and approval or disapproval, what acceptable behavior is and isn't. In fact, he's counting on you to do that.
I'm very affectionate and fun with my sons, but I also command their respect. This is not only about how to treat their mother, but it's "practice" for their relationships with all girls and women in the present and future--girlfriends, wives, women in positions of authority, women who need help.
Let your stepson enjoy your company as a caring, responsbile, fun adult--it's up to you to set this example so that he can go out in the world and be one of the "good guys," the kind that attracts the best in women.
And, as Cary said, you should make an arrangement for you and your husband to work out your own intimacy problems. Leave the kids--all the kids--out of it.
Good luck.
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Maybe you should have the hots for yourself instead
I can understand the appeal. I'm not a stepmum myself but I've had the experience of dandling young relatives on my knee. Then seeing them years later and realise with a start, they're no longer kids, they're fully sexual adults.
And young men and women in the prime of their youth are attractive; young and strong and unblemished with a whole life ahead of them, bursting with potential. It's exciting just watching them, being around them.
And as older women (and men too probably - except it seems more predatory in that instance), there is a natural appeal - our 'wisdom', our experience.
I don't think there is anything wrong with a bit of light banter, maybe even a touch of flirtation. The attention of a young man can make you feel good. But there is a line that must never be crossed.
For if you do, you will be showing a lack of that same experience, the wisdom they looked up to you for in the 1st place. You will be little better than a 16 year old - making hedonistic, selfish decisions regardless of the rather significant consequences. And you will be a 16 year old with wrinkles - which is really unattractive.
He may be 17 and look like an adult but he is not fully one yet. To involve him in any sort of maelstorm would be incredibly damaging for him long term.
I say this because reading between the lines, the LW appears to be at some level considering 'taking things further'.
I suspect what is really happening is that the LW is feeling underappreciated as a woman in her marriage. She is probably doubting her femininity and attractiveness and really, attention from a young, vital man is like manna from heaven.
But this is an opportunity to exercise maturity, to look beyond the situation to the deeper issue and deal with that constructively rather than take the path of least resistance and engineer a dramatic situation that will force the change she needs.
One has a choice between consciously recognising and dealing with an issue & controlling and minimising the consequences or witlessly forging ahead creating drama and disaster in one's wake.
The LW is still a sexy, young thing and she needs to find constructive ways to celebrate that other than having an affair with her younger stepson.