Are you kidding me? If your sisters had braces and you didn't, would you expect to be paid "your" orthodontic money? Your parents can spend _their_ money however they choose. It's lovely that they chose to spend it on weddings for their daughters, but that doesn't mean they need to cut you a check. Do you expect to be compensated for unequally-valued birthday presents as well?

Cary, your sense of subterfuge irritates the heck out of me. How do you know that the mother's money for her daughter represents "her hopes, her dreams," and all that wedding-related crap?

I think the LW is being sensible. She can sit down with Mom and say something like this: "Mom, you and Dad did a wonderful thing with my sisters' weddings. Things for me aren't working out the same...I'd like to get married someday, but it's not going to be in the immediate future. In light of that, if I were to have the money now that was set aside for a wedding, I'd pay off debts and have a down payment. Then, should I find someone to marry, he and I will arrange to pay for it ourselves and not incur any additional costs for you. This would make me very happy, and I hope you think it's a reasonable request."

Mom can say yes or no, but why on earth wouldn't she at least consider it as logically and rationally as her daughter does?

Cary's response also implies that Mom should shell out more for the wedding in addition to the requested financial assistance. C'mon...that wouldn't be fair; she should be able to hold on to her assets for her old age. Mom and daughter can agree on an amount that will be a one-time gift. Then the daughter's on her own, just like (presumably) her sisters are.

Cary's assumption that Mom's heart will be broken if there's no Cinderella wedding is rather out of whack. I'd be willing to bet that Mom would be delighted with such a sensible request, and happy that her daughter will think carefully about a relationship before committing herself to marriage!

If honesty were ever the best policy, this is an example of a very appropriate opportunity to prove it.

I set up college funds for all my kids. One of them is bound to blow it all on substance abuse, low level criminality and fucking around. I might as well just turn it over to him and let him burn through it.

I find myself asking-- Does Mom have enough money to see to her own retirement, which might last decades? It seems like that should be a big consideration here. Yes, Mom and Dad "put away money" for their daughters' weddings, but that doesn't mean she won't need the money in the future.

I have to say-- I find it kind of shameful that an able-bodied, intelligent, creative woman of 31 would be scheming how to get money from her elderly mother. And she seems to think this money is HERS, just sort of held in trust. I really wonder if her parents, who at 31 were probably raising 3 daughters and putting money away for them, felt entitled to this sort of gift.

The most important thing, LW, is not you getting a house before you can afford one on your own-- it's to make sure that your mother is comfortable and secure in her old age. That's what your dad, frankly, would expect of the three of you. Now if there are no money problems-- if Mom can live to be 99 and pay for 24hr nursing care, okay, maybe you can start thinking about yourself. But your parents didn't scrimp and save all their lives to make sure you always had access to cash. Their own security is paramount-- and it ought to be first in your mind. Old age can cost a fortune, and your mother, I bet, doesn't have her own parents to turn to, and no husband either. Fortunately, she does have three daughters.

Cary made some good points, but as I read the letter a few random questions jumped out at me (these are questions I think the LW should be answering herself, not one I think she owes anyone else the answers to).

1) You mention going back to school but also talk about using the money to pay off debts and pay down on a house. Which is it? Your mother might want to have a clear idea what you plan to do with the money.

2) Does the monetary request to your mother have to be the "wedding money"? Or does she have other funds she might be able to help you out with? If so, maybe Cary's point about not asking for the "wedding money" per se is worth considering.

3) Say the only extra cash your mom has is this wedding money. You know your mother and your family dynamics better than Cary or his readers. What do you foresee happening if you ask your mother for this money? The fact that you wrote this letter suggests that you don't foresee it being simple. If she flips out (in whatever way she manifests "flipping out") but gives you the money, will you still want it? If she flips out and doesn't give you the money, will you be resentful? Will your sisters get involved? Will it get nasty? If you do nothing, will you end up resentful anyway? Of course, it's entirely possible that your mother just wants you to be happy and that if, as Cary suggests, you share with her your vision of happiness, she'll give you the money without your even asking. Be honest with yourself, and be willing to face the consequences of whatever path you choose.

BTW, I disagree with the previous letter's tone suggesting that you're being something of a brat for expecting this money. It's not like this money isn't there. It's there, and presumably will be whether you get married or not. And while your mother certainly has the right to spend her money any way she chooses, if she has a gift she intends to give you, I think you get some say in how you use that gift too.