All kinds of marriages work for all kinds of reasons. Some might not feel threatened by a spouses "emotional" affairs, while others might be. And sometimes what might work for one is a deal breaker for another.

Unfortunately, I think Cary needs to stop with the crap and just state the obvious: LW, if what you need to feel safe, secure and loved in your marriage is not what your wife provides in words AND deeds, then move on. Now marriage counselors or friends/family or even the neighbor down the street can tell you if your wants are unrealistic so your partner would have a good reason not to honor them. But in your case, what you want is probably what many of us want from our spouse: truth, fidelity and respect. So, bite the bullet, take your daughter and move out and file for divorce.

If you can't take that step, then let your wife do what she wants, with whomever she wants, whenever she wants and you do nothing - no snooping, no checking up, no monitoring, no talking about it, no nagging or begging, no passive agressive comments, NOTHING. You have already given her too many chances so must accept the truth - your wife will always carry on these types of affairs to fulfill whatever needs she has. It's not you, it's her. You can't rescue or shame her into changing so why do you persist into hanging onto someone so unbeliveably destructive? So either accept her as is and make no demands to keep the marriage intact or leave her.

pussy. The solution is simple. You should have dumped her fucking ass a long time ago rather than BEG for her to stay/come back. You are fucking pathetic. Now, when you get a divorce (and you will!) it's going to be very expensive and you will pay alimony forever. She is at an age where her marketability is very limited and she will milk your wallet like a cow extracting all the cash she can. You need to be very nice, plan the next 6-9 months an ambush divorce. While planning compartmentalize all your assets, get a mail drop, build up cash, get a different voice mail/cell phone. Interview and sub out all the "A" family law attorneys within 20 miles (Remember, the legal profession is very clubby, use that!) and select one that is very good. She won't be able to retain the ones you sub out. Be a fucking man. It is over, it never was. You don't need to be married. You fucked it up the 1st time, she fucked it up 2 times before she met you and you still did it. Grow up. Take action. Be secret, then strike. Don't be emotional. Remove all things of value over a period of time and store them, quietly and secretly. Make copies of all documents and/or remove all originals. Force the bitch's "C" attorney to subpeona them. Put her on the defensive. Strike only when ready.

Camel's post should have gotten a red star. You're adults, you can do whatever damn fool thing you want together, you can put up with each others' crap (apparently forever, if history is any indication), but you have a daughter, for crying out loud! Oh well, damage is probably already long done. Thanks a bunch for adding another loon to the gene pool.

Mr. Green,

You might have a Gilda Complex.

Check out the 1946 Vidor classic.

Some people make better movie characters then partners or parents....

¡Buena suerte!

Cary, whatever you're smoking, it's not good for you.

Yesterday, you were underinformed about D/s (you and a lot of people who assumed it's the same thing as S&M) and made a bad call. But today's letter doesn't require any special knowledge. As captainarab said, love is accepting your partner's quirks, but this is not a quirk. A quirk is that my partner cannot seem to put something dirty all the way in the receptacle intended for cleaning it, but consistently gets it close--socks on top of the hamper, dishes in the sink but not the dishwasher. My obsessive need to have a book in the bathroom is a quirk. Long-term deception isn't a quirk.

There is one way in which your advice makes sense, and that's if you avoid generalizing it as "love is madness" and make this about the LW and his wife. Perhaps their relationship requires this merry-go-round of her running away and him chasing her. It adds drama to both of their lives. They can keep up the drama with the useless marriage counselor (this new fling has nothing to do with her previous one? Give me a break), but that's only one person. Now, the LW gets to ramp it up on his end by telling hundreds of strangers about it so that he can hear over and over again how messed up this is.

It's crazy, but if the LW weren't getting something out of this relationship wouldn't he have left long ago? Would he have married a woman who admitted to long-term "emotional" affairs?

Cary, you are an asshole. What kind of community education poetry class crap are you writing? I threw up in my own mouth, really. Stop the intellectual masturbating and answer the damn question! Which should have been: "stop being an asshole and dump the bitch!"

he's caught in a trap. He can't walk out...

Those of you who think it is simple to just decide the wife should be dumped because she is obviously having sex outside of the marriage, or those of you who think that an emotional affair is the same as adultery and those of you who think that a man doesn't have any balls if he doesn't insist on the only man his wife communicates with are free to have your opinions. But the kneejerk way you assume that your point of view is the only valid one is flawed. Following the line of thought that when someone isn't totally there for you you dump them has led to a world of serial monogamy because very few relationships meet people's puritanical fantasy of what marriage and love should be as embodied in the traditional vows. Cary's response to Mr. Green recognizes that people and their experiences of love are complex.