But punching won't solve anything, though it will, admittedly, be oh so mindlessly satisfying.

So what happens if you scare John off? What about the next guy - how will you handle that? Because as someone wrote here already, there will be a next guy, if past behavior is any indication.

Under what circumstances would you not want to be married to this woman? It seems you have a pretty high threshold for pain, but surely you haven't made up your mind to just take whatever she dishes out. Maybe it's time to think about limits - what's yours? What constitutes, in your mind, a good marriage - how should a woman who loves you treat you?

Your wife has consistently lied, deceived you, treated you and you your marriage with no respect. Is this the model of love, commitment and marriage you want to demonstrate for your daughter?

I think it's very possible and probable that your wife loves you. This isn't a question of love, but how much abuse - and you are being abused, LW - you can take for the sake of love (whether love for the spouse, the children, whatever). I think you should try to work this out for yourself, that this will serve you better than any advice. Draw the boundary in your heard, communicate it to your wife, and then stick to it. Don't let confusion in - draw the boundary. Articulate it. Stick to it.

With the obvious, I guess: get a PI, gather info, and as soon as your daughter is old enough (maybe she is already, I doubt she's learning anything positive about relationships now) DIVORCE YOUR LYING WIFE. IF you have a good PI and a good divorce lawyer lined up, you should be OK. Watch your back, though, she might go so far as to have you killed if she can't take you to the cleaners. Oh, and just because she didn't bring any STD's home doesn't mean you should believe this 'emotional' affair crap.

2. To second what others have said: make sure there are no witnesses present, then see what you can do to make "John" wet himself. If lying wife asks you anything, suggest that "John" has you confused with some other jealous husband. It won't fix anything, of course, but there's something to be said for standing your ground. Just don't stick around long enough to have to scare off the next "John".

3. Your so-called marriage counselor is an idiot. After the divorce, would it be possible to sue him for malpractice?

4. What the hell is wrong with you? Get a good therapist to KICK YOUR ASS. Not to be unkind, but WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS? BE A MAN! WTF? To be kinder, you're stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship and you got yourself stuck there for a reason. I don't think you LOVE your wife so much as you're addicted to her. You gotta be brave and kick this habit. You'll be lonely, depressed, a mess, all that for a while until it dawns on you that you have your life back. If you don't get some good painful therapy, you'll probably just find another woman who'll walk all over you.

5. The person who pegged her as a narcissist is probably right. Maybe a little histrionic, maybe a little borderline, who can tell. It seems as if 90% of the problems written about in this column are caused by people with those cluster B personality disorders. Someone who is a deceptive, manipulative, aggressive liar does not necessarily have such a personality disorder, just 98% of the time. The webbed feet and quacking sound give it away. WHY are you with this woman, again? What the heck is your family like, anyway? Look into that...I quit being involved with such people at just about the time I truly realized how very dysfunctional my own family was. Anyway, do some research into cluster B personality disorders and see if it doesn't set some bells ringing.

6. Anonymous @11:51 (This is not love) gives good advice that someone like your wife WILL NEVER GO ALONG WITH. Even if she did, you would end up being the one maintaining and enforcing the psychic and personal boundaries for both of you, which sounds like a suck-the-life-out-of-you experience to me. But, if after all these years you want to enforce boundaries that she should have been observing all along, I suppose you could try; it might work.

7. Cary: total gutterball here. In the next bowler's lane. Apologize profusely, and then give whatever you got paid for this column to charity.

Self-indulgent, superficial, derivative fatuous drivel.

Lying, deception and manipulation are not love. Love is based on honesty, kindness, trust, working for each other's good, not on narcissistic "insanity."

Cary, is this really what you think love means? "Madness... Accept everything... Trudge slowly under your great burdens?" I'm sorry, but if that's your idea of a good, healthy relationship, then I'm not sure it's responsible of Salon to let you write an advice column.

Plus Cary's prose has gotten so purple that I actually started groaning out loud. Phrases like "her sacred story" and "I refer you to obscure precedents written in the sand of the playground" seem like a parody.

Is there an editor in the house?

1. Your wife is an attention whore.

2. She has been an attention whore for too many years to stop being an attention whore.

3. She pays for attention with sex. Come on. Guys don't put up with annoying bitches like this unless they're putting out.

4. The reason she settles down after creating upheaval with you is that the upheaval itself creates enough drama in the marriage that she's able to be interested in it again. She will do this ad infinitum.

5. You like it, or you wouldn't be with her. You probably need the drama, too.

LW, you're not going anywhere, she's not going to change, so just try to make sure that you guys keep your careers going and insulate your daughter as much as possible from your co-dependent dysfunction.