When will the male half of the planet learn not to ask Cary Tennis for advice in a matter where there is a woman with a competing interest? He won't help you, guys. He won't even see you. He'll see right through you to that woman, and he'll distort his advice to you in order to address her needs.

So you're crazy because you love her? That's a nice way to put you on the same footing as your cheating wife, who is really, actually crazy. That's also crap. You're keeping the faith. You're abiding by your vows. She's the cheating whore.

Next time, write to Dan Savage. He'd have told you DTMFA (dump the motherfucker already) in about a tenth of the space Cary wasted in trying to undermine you and promote your wife's agenda.

She wants you to stick around, as a walking wallet, a source of security, and a perpetual victim. Don't.

Instead, get the trump cards into your hand, fast. Get the meanest, best lawyer you can and do what he tells you. Get the house, if you can. Get custody of the daughter. At the very least, ask your lawyer how to avoid being thrown out of your own house. Expect your wife to attempt false allegations of abuse as a way to do that, and make sure you're covered. Sometimes it is advisable to seek representation from the county attorney by asking for a protective order, on whatever basis. It'll probably be denied, but at least the county attorney cannot then represent your wife.

Fight for your life. Win. And then get therapy, to understand how this happened and how to recover from it.

I've been where you are, and I know it's hard to hear, but the advice above is the very best thing you can do for all concerned. If you want to discuss this further, let me know in this thread.

Cary is wrong. This is not acceptable behavior and it's not serving you, her or the marriage. Nobody "needs" attention like that. Her need for male attention points to something far darker and complex. And she pursues these men or allows herself to be pursued because she can. You let her. Only when you have the strength to stand up to her and declare your own need to be respected will you have any chance of having a healthy marriage. The risk of standing up to her is that she will pack her bags and move in with John. But, the possibility is that you might both start living a life of integrity. You both might get healthier in your heads and perhaps your marriage will improve. It's possible that the marriage won't survive that much personal growth...but at least you'll both be healthier human beings.

She is lying, cheating and manipulating you. This is not loving, respectful, mature, healthy or kind. That's the bottom line. She may say that she loves you, but love isn't a feeling, it's how you treat the other person. You feel mistreated and driven crazy and you're exactly right. Lying to someone over and over and over again is crazy making behavior. Go do some research on love and relationship addiction and you will find it all too familiar.

Here are my suggestions, because I've seen this from both sides. I cheated on my husband and made him crazy with my evasions and mood swings and strange behavior and ambivalence about the marriage and turning around his confrontations about my affair partner. In a perhaps predictable twist, I was being lied to and driven crazy by my affair partner at the same time. So, years of therapy later...I have some insight into this situation. I know that there's no legitimate way to justify the stunt she is pulling, and I know that when someone lies to your face and tells you you're the crazy one, it does literally drive you crazy.

I want you to visualize yourself doing this and how it would feel to take your power back.

Tell her you know that she's lying and you don't want to hear any more defenses, excuses, rationalizations, or explanations. Period. You're not going to get into specifics. You're not going to argue the evidence. This is not turning into another trial with you as prosecutor and her as defense counsel. No more manipulations. No turn arounds. No bargaining. No more lies.

Tell her it is not appropriate, given her past history, to seek or maintain separate friendships with other men. If she wants male attention, it has to be within the confines of "double dating" while you are present. In other words, she can't have her own male friends. She can only have male friends mutually with you. No more secret communications or meetings with other men. Period. Quite simply, she should not be exchanging any communications, especially confidential ones, with other men other than in a professional capacity or with male relatives. If she objects to this and turns it around on you, you have your answer right there. She's trying to maintain her addiction to the affairs and she's not willing to give up that addiction to save her marriage. She can twist it all around and turn it back on you, but it would all be in the service of maintaining her addiction. Addicts are known to be manipulative.

Tell her she needs therapy to figure out why she's so addicted to these affairs. She has had this pattern for a long time. The costs are very high. She is making her primary partners miserable. She is probably feeling very trapped in her mind and conflicted all the time. But the worst thing she is doing to herself is not living in integrity. She has made one of her defining characteristics as a marital partner being a liar and a cheat. If this were a one time thing and she emerged older, wiser, more compassionate, more appreciative of stability, more responsible and more dedicated to maintaining her integrity that would be one thing (Okay, okay, I have to live with myself somehow, if I didn't think of myself as having grown in some way from my disgusting behavior I'd want to kill myself). But you have someone here who is so debased in integrity that she has forgotten how to live a straight life. She can rationalize anything.

If she refuses to respect these boundaries, which really are about just respecting you and your marriage, then tell you are not going to fight with her anymore. She has made her choice and you will let her go. Tell her you won't be able to practice law together anymore and that you won't be her friend and you won't stay involved with her life except as a co parent. And find the strength in yourself to carry through.

The risk of continuing on without confronting the situation head on...is feeling the same way. Being consumed by and fixated by this drama.

You don't need her. She doesn't need you. The fact that anyone is together reflects a preference, not a need, but we have that all wrong in our heads. Honestly, there are plenty of women out there who would love an honest committed relationship and who wouldn't play these harmful head games with you. Why would you prefer this woman if she doesn't agree to stop? Maybe you're addicted to the drama too. Now, that's a different story. If there's a part of you that secretly loves all this drama and the whole story of it...then fine, procede as usual.