I had missed the point of this advice column: Cary is more confused and has more problems than his correspondents. That's entertaining.

get angry because they are expected to act like adults, act equal, but they can't, or don't want to.

Cary said so much more than I imagine anybody in this forum will say. He gets to the heart of the matter -- sure, the wife is playing cruel games, but the LW threw himself in the path and continues to do so! He may do this because he loves her deeply, but on some level he is being a masochist, or at least failing to protect himself, by not getting a divorce and cutting his wife, and himself, loose of each other. It may be that she's just a queen bee and he's the top drone who doesn't realize this is a bee/bee and not human/human relationship.

One thing that did stick out for me is that the LW wants to punch the other guy in the face. And I don't blame him. But what the LW didn't mention is whether he wants to punch his wife in the face. She's the one committing the more direct and intimate betrayal. Seems that all the anger is being transfered over to the other guy.

LW, you need to be honest about your anger. You are pissed at your wife! The other guy is a ghost (and a fool, I might add -- much more of a fool than you are, pursuing a married woman for years and years). But your wife is the one crapping on your emotions and on the vows of your marriage. She's the one you're angry at! Don't hit her in the face by any means, but be honest about your feelings here.

up for financial ruin. He needs to carefully, stealthfully plan and execute his divorce.

Wow. Just... wow. So true. Not universally true, but most certainly *often* true.

The only caveat I would add is that there is a certain type of soul that unmistakeably senses the fallacy and transitory nature of love/attention/opportunity/etc given based on looks and never trusts it inherently, never takes it for granted. It just feels false, and in the end payment of some sort is generally demanded anyway, so it is as if the beauty is, if not a curse, a block to knowing where one truly stands with others. This sort of soul develops all kinds of character, beauty notwithstanding. There are not too many of them, but they do exist.

On the other hand, to affirm what you wrote, every person I have ever known with a personality disorder was either physically very attractive, or had great personal charm, or both. In other words, they had the wherewithal to trade, as you describe. Like you, I do not believe this is by chance.

Your wife is a crazy, lying, abusive cunt.

document the crap out of this stuff. Then, dump her, and take the daughter with you. Find a nice younger woman who isn't so insane.

Sorry, but I have known many people with personality disorders and have worked with them in a professional capacity. As far as I can see there is no correlation between beauty and personality disorders. I have worked with narcissists who were downright ugly. (Sometimes they thought they were pretty.)

I don't really think the general public understands personality disorders much, especially the disorder of narcissism. Narcissism and vanity are not the same thing. They just are not. Is the narcissist happy to have the advantage of beauty (when he/she has it)? Sure. Why not? Narcissists and most human being are happy to have any disadvantage. Most humans are.

The myth of Narcissus maybe where the disorder got its name and may be why people become confused and think it is about vanity and physical beauty. Narcissism isn't even really about vanity. It is -- like most personality disorders -- about unmet human needs. Narcissists are not like they are because they got everything they ever wanted as children, but rather because they did not get some things they truly needed. They are deeply, deeply insecure. They also have a rather high suicide rate.

Personality disorders have their origins in childhood. Abuse is often the cause/trigger. Borderlines, sociopaths, narcissism, major depression, PTSD, and more can all be the result of serious child abuse, often sexual abuse.

You know, I do not like to vilify human psychological disorders. I always remember these words: There but for the grace of God go I.

off topic, but some day you'll have to tell us your story. From your constant anger and bitterness thruout these posts, i imagine that someone you trusted did you REALLY wrong.

insures inequity and a disproportionate advantage to women. It is quite sad, but there is only a financial disincentive for a man to marry and lots of risk. I have associates paying $25K per month in alimony, for life, after they gave their x-wives a significant portion of their estates, merely because they had been married for more than 10 years. When women can engage in PAS without consequence, when women default on child support at a higher % than men, when women can get away with things that men are imprisoned for it creates an element of risk on a fool would undertake. When 50% of all 1st marriages end in divorce, do the math.

Your average guy may expect some physical contact, but there are definitely exceptions. Suggesting there are no men who would thrive on platonic attachment is just a sexist generalization.

Also, emotional affairs are very different from physical ones. The consequences are certainly quite different. No unwanted pregnancies. No std's to worry about. In my book that makes them a lot more harmless.

Most people don't get it that "wanting" someone can be a lot more intense and exciting than actually getting what you wished for.

(A man.)

A friend of my wife's got married. She never moved in with her husband. Never slept with him, for all we know. They were 'married' for just under a year... They finally 'divorced'...

She married again, and all is well... She actually moved in, had several kids...

Why mention that? The first 'husband' had enough sense to bail... (It took him a LONG time, but he eventually did)

Divorcing and keeping custody of the daughter seems your only out.

She *might* get a clue that the grass she is married to is where she belongs and not grazing on other patches of turf...

One other alternative: Expose the affair through a well trusted third party. Play the 'shocked' husband. Grind this 'John' into the rocks... Play the grieving husband trying to 'save our marriage' and John 'stepped in to try to sweep her out of what you were trying to save'...

It would shame her, hopefully, and stop 'John' and provide a local 'scarlet letter' on the forehead of your 'wife'...

You could also loose her, but you have already done that in so many ways that it's hardly a loss...

The bottom line has to be 'Can I trust her' and the answer is staring you in the face...