Cary surprised me by advocating that LW try for some sort of salvage here. But thinking about it, the advice rings of a certain truth, and also illuminates a choice. Love is madness and irrational. Its source mysterious, its depth immeasurable, its power disorienting. It muddles things we think we need, value, believe. That's why when we're suffering and in love, it's never clear cut. Our friends, our family -- our own sane self -- rattle off the reasons why we should end the suffering, let go of the love, and we look them (and ourselves) in the eye and agree, and still hold onto the love.

It's a difficult, soul-searching calculation, when it's right to let go. It's difficult because it's a calculation that can't really be calculated. It's nothing short of a leap of faith, because no one can answer whether letting go will save your life or kill you. If you let go and say goodbye, you do so without the certainty that something better (a peace of mind, a small piece of pure happiness, a more affirming love) will come. You let go with hope, possibly, and nothing more to hold onto. But hope can ignite a new kind of light in the soul, a light just as powerful -- if not as overpowering -- as love. Hope born of letting go in utter darkness is, like love, its own unique, indescribable, soulful experience. It's a choice only you, LW, can make. How will you choose to be -- suffering and in love, with all its depth, mystery and desire? Or face the abyss and see what light comes?

When will the male half of the planet learn not to ask Cary Tennis for advice in a matter where there is a woman with a competing interest? He won't help you, guys. He won't even see you. He'll see right through you to that woman, and he'll distort his advice to you in order to address her needs.

So you're crazy because you love her? That's a nice way to put you on the same footing as your cheating wife, who is really, actually crazy. That's also crap. You're keeping the faith. You're abiding by your vows. She's the cheating whore.

Next time, write to Dan Savage. He'd have told you DTMFA (dump the motherfucker already) in about a tenth of the space Cary wasted in trying to undermine you and promote your wife's agenda.

She wants you to stick around, as a walking wallet, a source of security, and a perpetual victim. Don't.

Instead, get the trump cards into your hand, fast. Get the meanest, best lawyer you can and do what he tells you. Get the house, if you can. Get custody of the daughter. At the very least, ask your lawyer how to avoid being thrown out of your own house. Expect your wife to attempt false allegations of abuse as a way to do that, and make sure you're covered. Sometimes it is advisable to seek representation from the county attorney by asking for a protective order, on whatever basis. It'll probably be denied, but at least the county attorney cannot then represent your wife.

Fight for your life. Win. And then get therapy, to understand how this happened and how to recover from it.

I've been where you are, and I know it's hard to hear, but the advice above is the very best thing you can do for all concerned. If you want to discuss this further, let me know in this thread.

Oh please. So they had the chance to be together but didn't, say they're incompatible, but still are soul mates? NO.

They're both drama addicts and manipulators who get off on deception. It's the thrill of being bad and cheating that rocks their socks. They're both sickos. To bad they don't think they're compatible (why? don't trust the other cuz they know the other is a habitual cheater?) cuz they're perfect for each other.

I don't know, maybe you were just trying to find a gentle way to nudge the LW towards a realization of how insane this all is, but I too resent the implication that love is about accepting this kind of madness. Yes, I tolerate my partner's irrational needs, and she tolerates mine. But they're things like: My need to garden obsessively. Her need to ask me what I want for lunch and dinner when I'm not even done with breakfast yet. My need to spend a few hours alone some Saturdays and be unavailable by cell phone. Her need to socialize with friends several times a week and every weekend. My need to spend hours on the Internet corresponding with people I don't even know. Her habit of never finishing her orange juice--I'm serious! No matter how little I pour in her glass, she always drinks exactly half! What madness!

But notably, neither of us has a "need" to have a mind-fuck with someone outside the relationship, or threaten divorce on a regular basis. That is not something to be filed under "Oh, the crazy things we do for love."

And, LW, we're both lawyers as well (I do employment law litigation, she's a policy wonk who regularly testifies on Capitol Hill), so don't use this "trial attorney" excuse for your madness. If you haven't yet learned how to leave your lawyer persona at the front doorstep, God help both of you. And your poor daughter.

DTMFA

Look, you BOTH have poor track records (3 divorces for her vs. your 2). BOTH of you apparently don't know how to either have an honest, monogamous relationship (her) or pick a partner capable of being honest and monogamous (YOU). How you have been able to raise a child this long without both of you driving her insane is beyond me. In fact, I would love to hear your other grown children's take on all of this. Better still, a little background on the LW's childhood, as well as his spouse's, would be very interesting info. to know. There has to be some kind of parental separation or trauma in the past that has allowed her to be a slut and you to be her doormat.

No matter. This lady is porkin' other guys, LW...plain and simple. Guys aren't into "emotional affairs," that story is just some lie she cooked up. I f'ing laughed my ass off when I read that...but I wouldn't expect anything less from a lawyer, well-versed in double-speak. And you're dumb enough to fall for this, hook, line, and sinker.

Take the advice about finding a good divorce lawyer...if things are okay at home, wait another 4 years until the daughter has left home...but if it's worse than it sound right now, think about getting all of the ammunition you can get and prepare for a divorce (your 3rd., her 4th.).