I guess Cary summarized it correctly! The wife is a little crazy and so is the LW. Although I suppose all of us want and desire the sort of attention and thrill that comes from emotional affairs/relationships, part of the bargain and tradeoff of marriage is that it comes with certain boundaries -one of which is that you usually don't seek emotional support and intimacy with others to the same degree that you would your spouse. But if you do, that's OK as long as your spouse is OK with it. In this case, the LW is not (and who can blame him). Cary's response is quite understanding and forgiving of the wife. I understand that need and desire for attention and for the thrill of romance. And maybe the wife is one of those people who just likes to put her eggs in more than one basket... keep her options open. But, I wonder if she doesn't also need to investigate further her seemingly deep need for attention/thrills and question why she would threaten her primary relationship.

When I cheated on my husband, and he confronted me about my ex affair partner, I told him we might be having an emotional affair.

Cheaters Rules of Conduct:

The first rule...deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie.

If you can't deny, turn it around. Make it about the betrayed spouse's jealousy, codependence, trust issues, paranoia, craziness. Make him the crazy one.

If that doesn't work, distract, distort and obscure. Use examples that show that you weren't flirting with your lover. Remember that time we bumped into John at the restaurant? I wasn't flirting with him that day.

If none of the above works...downplay the relationship in whatever way you can. Oh, no, John isn't really into me. We're just friends.

Okay. Maybe we're close friends. But he doesn't want me. His wife is hot. Why would he want me?

If your spouse insists there is something untoward going on act hurt. I'm sorry you feel that way. It really hurts me that you don't trust me. Act pathetic.

If the insistence persists...just lie some more. Damage control...if total denial isn't working because he found something plain and obvious...turn an raunchy smutty exchange into a mere flirtation. Okay. I take responsibility for that. It won't happen again. Say it was the other person's fault.

Or if there is a direct confrontation with evidence and you can't squiggle out of it...turn a physical affair into an emotional one.

Does this all seem familiar to you LW? All these head games?

Get real.

DAP PLAYA!!!!

You either wrote the Playa's Handbook, read the book, or have the book on tape 'cause that's EXACTLY how its done.

Your post deserves a red star!

'Cause the truth is, if your spouse has a flashlight in your eye like that, they just want a good enough excuse to let you off the hook.

Its when they stop asking questions that you know you're in trouble. A cheater prefers a long night of arguing to one of silence. That means that the spouse is thinking and that's never good. Keep 'em angry, crazy, and not thinking straight. If you do it right, by the early morn you two have fought, cried, had sex, and are sound asleep.

LW's wife has the Playa's Handbook in her back pocket and is listening to the mp3 version from the ear bud in her ear.

I have no respect for the LW. He only wrote in to get sympathy and a cosign. He needs to drink a V8, build a bridge, and get over it.

I don't want to ignore the issue at hand here--which is certainly a hugely important one to the LW--but my God, has Cary been eating his Wheaties lately or what? Yet another great, insightful response. Most advice columnists try to come up with nice, clear-cut, rational solutions for everything ... which is nice. But most of the issues that we deal with in our lives aren't quite that simple, and Cary actually, refreshingly, acknowledges that and provides real insight (when he's on, at least). He's been especially sharp lately.

OK, I'll stop sucking up now. I'm just kind of excited about this.

Because a lot of posters here are telling you absolute nonsense and very outdated information. For example, LIFETIME ALIMONY is virtually non-existent in the United States and has been for decades (with the advent of no-fault divorce laws in all 50 states). The rare exception is a divorce where the spouse is elderly, has never worked and is old enough that there is no real chance they could be gainfully employed (like over 65). Most spouses only get REHABILIATIVE ALIMONY (as if being a spouse is a disease or addiction you need to be cured from) which is a smallish amount of money until they can get a job. The typical length of time of such alimony is between 1/3 and 1/2 the time that the couple were married.

In this instance, both parties are experienced trial attorneys, work together and probably both make the same salary. There is virtually no chance that either of them would have to pay ANY alimony to the other -- why would they? I think some posters are confusing CHILD SUPPORT with SPOUSAL SUPPORT.

Even so it's a moot point for most spouses (yes, some are men) because only about 38% of all alimony awarded is ever actually paid.

And BTW: deliberately hiding and/or stealing assets from the marriage is a big No-no, and can get you in a lot of trouble down the line. I'd say the trouble would be WAY worse if you are both attorneys who know the law. It's called "fraud". (Do some get away with it? Sure, but others get caught by forensic accountants. I'd say your chances of being caught if your SPOUSE is also an attorney are pretty high!)

So back to the LW: Wow, how stupid are you anyhow? This woman is cheating on you, and has cheated on her last two husbands. Between you two, you have had five marriages! Give it up! Neither of you is suited to marriage...that's OK, not everybody has to get married. But quit spoiling it for those of us who understand what it takes to be in a faithful, committed relationship.

Given what you have put up with, and your wife's behavior, I wonder if she isn't a remarkably physically beautiful woman. Such women get a lot of attention all their lives, and it becomes addictive, and they can't give it up for any primary relationship. I also wonder if you did not choose your wife because of her looks, and therefore didn't bother to really investigate if she had a good character, was honest and decent, trustworthy and loyal. A lot of wealthy powerful men in our culture choose wives because they are beautiful, and their beauty conveys a great deal of status on their husbands. Men who desperately want physical beauty in a wife OVER AND ABOVE any other quality often end up married to gorgeous but skanky, selfish, greedy, unfaithful gold diggers or cheaters.

It is a great fantasy of such men that they will find a woman whose outer physical beauty JUST SO HAPPENS to be attached to a great and loving inner soul, but unfortunately there is no correlation WHATSOEVER between outer and inner beauty. It can theoretically happen but (see above), in our society really physically beautiful women often get so much attention and unearned praise/opportunity/attention that they never get to develop any internal character.

This is the trade-off you have made. I am sure when you were dating your wife, you passed over many other potential dating candidates because they were not beautiful enough to impress your colleagues (and reflect how wealthy and powerful you must be to attract such a partner), and therefore you passed over a number of women of great loyalty, trustworthiness, fidelity, honesty and commitment.

Troll posters (here in abundance) like to call such women "fugly", because perhaps they do not precisely fit the narrow definition our culture has for beauty (i.e., Eleanor Roosevelt or Mother Teresa are "fugly", but Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are "beautiful"). Ergo, all trolls -- and the LW -- are condemed to hook up, again and again, with capricious, lying, faithless, greedy, selfish, hateful (but really, really pretty and thin) skanks.

Your world, and welcome to it. When you realize this, even after numerous divorces, you will finally be a grown up adult man. Until then, you are a stupid cuckold.

(Oh, BTW: yes your wife is actually screwing all those guys..."emotional affairs" my ass! Boy, are you naive.)