I hear you loud and clear. Thanks.

The details are this: I was away on a business trip. Could not reach my husband one night. Last call I made to his mobile was at 3am - no answer. He claimed he left it at work. And admitted that he went out after hours with some work friends, and this woman was there too. I have come to believe now, because of other telling behavior, that it was probably just the two of them out after hours, alone together.

I get back from my trip, and find out that when I was gone he also took the kids to this woman's parents house on a lake, but told the kids not to tell me. Wow, that's some great parenting for you, huh?

He made the excuse that the lake would be fun for the kids. Fine, but do you need to lie to me about it, and instruct your kids to keep it from me too?

Just sick. Sick sick sick.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Since then, there have been two other women that I know of. The letter writer who said that there's always a replacement is right. Spot on.

how old are the children and boys? girls?

When I think of an emotional affair, I think of the movie Norma Rae, in which Sally Fields' and Ron Liebman's characters grew deeply emotionally involved while working together. There not only was no sexual behavior between them but only a little ironic flirting. When Beau Bridges asks Sally Fields if she's gone to bed with Liebman, she truthfully says no, and truthfully admits "But he's in my head."

This is an emotional affair. I'm sure the Bridges character was wounded by this admission. But he knew his wife was trustworthy, and after Ron Liebman drove his Volkswagen into the sunset, that little by little he'd fade from her thoughts.

I don't see the current situation as an emotional affair at all. It's based on lies and sex, whether the sex is physical or not. It's cheating, pure and simple.

Why do so many posters get riled up when Cary uses metaphor to expose the insanity in some of these situations? The LW's life IS rather, uh, bizarre to many, so why is Cary the crazy person when he's using this type of humor?

I'll agree he may not always hit the mark, but don't we come here for his special brand of writing, and because we know we will not get run of the mill Dr. Phil hard love every time from a guy like Cary?

If you don't think the veil dancing is funny, then perhaps you can at least see that the situation of the LW is one crazy dance.

edziu's muse, you have your reasons for coming here, but I doubt they're widely shared. Cary isn't that good a writer, and an advice column isn't the best place to practice poesy; his answers should be more prosaic and less prosy.

I come here 'cause I like the train wrecks. I also think it's a good idea to warn the men who write to Cary that they might want to consider another advisor; Cary will favor the interests of any woman over those of any man. He even advised a male abuse victim to consider how he was contributing to his wife's desire to hit and hurt him. This is not an advice column any man should consider consulting.

Eighteen pages so far of comments on this article! Count'em.

No, I am not going to comment or reply on the substance of the article and those letters.

Isn't free speech wonderful, and to hell with being politically correct!

From the number of responses and the general nature of them (I did not read them all by far.) it is clear to me that you stepped on a landmine.

Just who (s)elected all those prosecutors, judges, juries, and therapists?

Please! Let me see the hand of any of you who have not sinned?

I don't think the problem is that the woman the LW is married to has sinned, but rather how often she has sinned and in the same particular way.

Please for the love of everything not retarded listen to that woman.

First of all, let me selfishly thank all the people who write in about their horrendously irreperable marriages; as a single woman in a bride-obsessed culture, thanks for confirming my bias that no marriage truly is better than a sick and emotionally corrosive one. (My parents taught me that one)

Second, don't even spend a nanosecond looking within yourself for the causes or even begin to blame yourself. Of course you were "less than wonderful", who wouldn't be if they were married to a pathological liar, cheater and cruel narcissist? Her behavior patterns were preexisting and don't involve you at all. She was that way 27 years ago, it probably won't change till she's 95 and too old. (and even then, she'll be the drama queen of the retirement home, I'm sure)

Third, a thing about marriage counselors-- a friend of mine answered a 911 domestic violence call and guess what? It was 2 marriage counselors, husband and wife, beating the crap out of each other (true story!) So apparently, any whacked-out a-hole can get a certificate. Either your counselor doesn't have the whole story or she's a total moron. Save your money and pack your bags.

Fourth, your wife's a lawyer which means she's only telling you a conveniently manipulated fraction of the truth. She can lie in front of a jury for God's sake! She's a pro! (I know you're a lawyer too, but sorry, it's built into the job description) There could be 10 other 'Johns' out there you haven't uncovered yet.

Finally, I feel sorry for the daughter-- nice role model and care-giver. Unfortunately, being neglected by a narcissist, she's likely to grow up with the same pathological need for attention. Your wife's obviously dragged the kid through this crap before, and then wants to ditch the kid for one of these **cough** emotional affairs (btw, sex can be emotional, too you know..)

So if I was you, I'd ask your sad byatch of a wife if her mother was as bad as she is, and then I'd walk out the door. (and maybe talk to someone about custody)