Many posters have made the same points I would have made last night, so I will not repeat them. However, there are some things I would like to point out.

The LW might be starting to think of himself as a victim, but he has been willingly playing this game of mongoose/cobra for awhile now. It could be that it has reached critical mass because he senses he is losing, or just does not have the energy anymore. So I think part of Cary's advice was right. Just stop playing the game. Become indifferent. When she makes a show of checking her cellphone in front of you, tell her to take it elsewhere.

However, there was one part of the letter that bothered me greatly. The LW stated that the wife had their daughter show her how to text message, supposedly to communicate with her while she was at school. Maybe, but she also used texting in order to carry out her "relationship" with John. Does the LW, or anyone else for that matter, really think that the daughter was the only one who could teach her to text message? The wife has involved the daughter in this "emotional affair" which takes it to a whole new level of creepy.

I have a real problem with people who try to involve their children, coworkers and friends in their extra-marital affairs, emotional or otherwise. But I reserve a special level of hell for people who involve their children.

It might only be a matter of time before the wife will involve the daughter in her games even more, if she hasn't already. Please, LW, do not let that happen. It might be necessary for you to break up your marriage if freezing her out doesn't help, but you DO need to make it clear to her in no uncertain terms that if you think she is confiding in your daughter, or trying to make her an ally in her deception, all bets are off.

And no offense, LW, but you must be the only lawyer I know of that does not have a cellphone.

First off, I don't know where Cary was going with this one. Love may be crazy and blind and all that jazz, but this is a marriage, and to live in the real world with a real marriage, it helps to have some sense of boundaries and stability. There are plenty of marriages where this sort of thing would fly: the "emotional" flirting, the other men, the flings. Open relationships exist, and they work. But not for you. Know how I know? Because you wrote to an advice columnist asking for help. If it bothers you that much, then you do not have one of those marriages. Thus, this is a big problem. Obviously. You know that. Now you have to deal with it. You've tried the defensive path, spying presenting her with evidence. You've been made a fool countless times. So why put up with it? Why should this woman single handedly choose the path and tone of your relationship (one of suspicion). Will you let this misery (that's what it seems to be) continue forever? Do you really think that in 25 years you will still be able to deal with her cheating? Why would you want to? Eventually this is going to end the relationship, like it did her others. Let it be on your terms. Tell her to shape up or ship out. And mean it. Everytime she fools you, she gets a little braver. ANd why shouldn't she? She's basically getting the green light to continue. You are obviously a caring man who deserves better. Be strong. Dont't let her get away with it anymore. Choose yourself.

Like I said, flings, and flirting may work in some marriages, but lies and deception shouldn't be a part of ANY marriage.

Reading these letters has opened my eyes and helped me a lot. Some of them are written beautifully, especially the one with the line about hope, and going into the abyss and eventually some light will come thru.

I have been married 6 years and for the past 5, this has pretty much been my life. My husband also has a creepy need to get affection from other women. And two years ago he involved his children in his games. It was absolutely sickening to me that he would coach them to lie to me about these other women. Kept pictures of them in his mobile. I accessed his mobile records and discovered that with one woman in particular, he was calling her upwards of 35 times/month, and that doesn't even include all the conversations that took place when she called him. And the hours! Sometimes they would talk as early as 6-7am and as late as 1-2 in the morning.

I have found hope in these letters. I believe there is more out there for me. I figure I can stay, and be guaranteed an unhappy existence, or I can leave, and have some chance at finding truth, clarity, and a meaningful connection with someone who is capable of understanding the meaning of "we" instead of merely "me"

Honestly, I do not understand why some people get married. What the fuck did they expect??? I'll never be able to figure out what people want out of life. Mystifying.

I thought I was naive. But this character takes the cake! I know of no man in the world, except maybe for homosexuals, that would get involved with a married woman, for an "emotional" relationship. You have got to be kidding! Her phone sex is getting him warmed up for intellectual conversation. Get real!

I was 3/4 healed from a fairly simple divorce, riding my bike a lot and taking care of myself. I responded to her personal, and we met for lunch. I enjoyed her company a great deal, and she made it clear she was interested in seeing me again, and that she was single and un-attached. Yeah, mostly.

Three months go by and the relationship is going great. We have mutual fiends, and her mostly-grown kids and I get along great. I loved her, and was truly happy with her and her family, but funny things start happening.

Like ten days before we were to spend a week together she calls and cancels, then disappears for that week.

Or, my favorite, the phone rings early on a Sunday morning, and I'm in bed with her. She answers--it's a man's voice--and she replies "no, just here by myself..." to a question. Not wanting to make a lier out of her, I left.

Two hours later she calls and asks why I left...I chuckled and told her.

A few weeks later I found pictures of her and the other guy together during the mystery week. It was funny because it didn’t really make me upset or angry, since I had already figured it out. I took them to her and asked her what they were, and she lied, saying they were from a few years back. I showed her the date on the back, grabbed my things, and left. Didn't call, quit it cold turkey and never heard a peep from her. It hurt like hell, but I was done with that crap. I eventually moved.

Two years later she calls and asks me to move back. Go figure.