So the LW gets a divorce, loses custody of his daughter, loses 50% of his net worth, and provides 50% of his net income until his daughter is 20 something. This is a great example of why laws must change.

LW's wife's behavior is absolutely unacceptable. Whether she's actually had sex with these other guys is really beside the point; she still violated her husband's trust - over and over again. I have to wonder why in the world has this guy has tolerated that nonsense for 15 years?! Of course, maybe it's because it can be really hard to admit, even to yourself, that you've been manipulated (or in this case, completely bamboozled). And the longer you've been bamboozled, the harder it is to come to grips with it - especially if you consider yourself a reasonably intelligent person. That was definitely the case for me when I was trying to decide to end a similarly unhealthy marriage to a guy who tried the same thing as LW's wife. Difference is, I only put up with it for about a year before I got out. Clearly, this woman's behavior is not an isolated incident but a pattern. She's obviously not particularly sorry about it either. If she were genuinely sorry, she would make more of an effort to understand and change her behavior.

I'm really worried about the teenage daughter. What kind of example is this farce of a relationship setting for her? Is it teaching her to be conniving and manipulative? Is it teaching her to be a doormat for the sake of keeping the peace? Even if she turns out to be healthy, happy, and well-adjusted this relationship is still going to impact her idea of what a healthy partnership is all about. Staying just for the sake of the daughter is a terrible idea. She's going to benefit much more from having a strong, independent single dad who proactively makes good decisions. Ask almost any kid - they had rather have happily divorced parents than married/partnered parents who don't get along. Kids are very perceptive, and they can always spot an evasive or BS answer.

Also, there's one really important question I haven't seen anyone ask: What outcome does LW really want, and is that outcome possible? For instance, if he says he wants to try to save the marriage, is that doable? Even if the wife changes her behavior, will LW ever be able to completely trust her and respect her? You absolutely cannot have a good partnership without these things. A painful realization that was instrumental in my decision to leave my bad marriage was that there was nothing my ex could have done or said that would make me regain the amount of respect for him that partners must have for one another. He had just done too much to hurt me, and he violated my trust in almost every way possible. LW, as yourself: even if she sincerely tries to change, will you be able to love, trust and respect her? If you can't, you need to leave. I personally think she's long-since crossed the point of no return.

So sorry for your situation. All the best.

I know the 'fake letter' accusation is tacky... but alas, I suspect someone wrote this letter with the intention of seeing whether Tennis would dish out mindless horsehit, justifying and ruminationg on something that need not be ruminated upon. This is the proverbial 'slam dunk'... there is no advise other than to ditch the bitch.

An anecdote from my life: A friend and I from out of town were chatting, and he kept refering to his 'old lady' ... I queried "is she actually an old lady or is that your retro-lingo?'

'A little of both, she IS 45 years old... anyway, I feel a bit bad'

'Why?'

'I broke her gun... gotta get her a new one'

'Her gun? Why'd you break her gun?'

'Well, she kept shooting it at me.'

loony tunes.... not the only one, I guess, since we are taking this letter seriously.

To dpc61820, who said of why gay [men] are into open marriages ("I think it's because we're locked out of marriage and religions and such, so we've set out to redefine relationships (and many other life structures) from scratch.")

*I* think it's because you're all MEN, and you're naturally horny like that. Nice try at putting some fancy socio-cultural spin on it tho. Men. Sheesh.

BTW, I also think LW doesn't necessarily have to dump the wife, nor do i think she is necessarily having physical sex. He loves her and put up with this for 10 yrs, maybe he can learn how to handle it, or look at it in a different way. Love isn't so easy to find, and it doesn't always come looking like a Normal Rockwell painting either, despite what you lucky "I married my high school sweetheart" types might think.

The one question to ask yourself: if she really loves you, would she do something like this to you?

I believe the answer is no. You can't love someone if you don't respect that person in the first place. Her actions showed that she has no respect for you. Therefore, I do not believe she really loves you. Furthermore, how can you stay in a relationship with someone that you can't trust? I really think it is time to bring all these issues into the open.

Ben Dover's plan for a stealth divorce is almost perfect and should be required reading for every male child contemplating marriage.

Your 'only' hope....

unless you 'know' for sure' she will not 'ever' really want a divorce

...I expect you know nothing for sure...

If she wants to screw you in court...

your life is over

...unless you follow Ben Dover.

Oh, personnally I tried counseling and truthful confrontation...(9 year marriage) (2 kids <7)I had a very good lawyer so I was only in jail for three days...she was busy stealing our money during that time and setting me up for the fall.

It only took a year or two for my kids to realize she is the crazy one.

I got my house back and some of our money...but it cost me about 450,000 (lawyer was almost pro bono...really great guy) and only make 45k a year.(retirement, stocks etc)

Your treading on eggshells, only your too twisted to know it...you must not have any lawyer friends in family law or you would be white as a sheet until you get her out of there...

It is sad, and Cary's responce was perfect for 'this' letter.

Here's the thing, when I first read from you LW, I wanted to hit someone, but it wasn't John, and as pathetic as you are, it wasn't you either. I wanted to hit your wife.

But as I've read others posts and thought about it, your wife is searching for herself and men to fill her up, and that's sad. She has clearly compartmentalized her relationships in order to best meet her needs. Going to a theraist with you won't help because then she'd put on a face with the therapist the way she does with you and the men she has "emotional sex" with.

You're not helping. You're just another guy who leeches off her. You aren't with her because you love her; you're with her because you need her. A strength that she has and you lack makes her a flame to many moths. She's made some weird deal with herself that she'll have the straight life (with you) and the secret life (with a number of other men). You're her foil. You're her latest in a long line of of them.

As a foil, loving and saving her isn't up to you. Hell you can't help yourself so I know you can't help her. You have to decide whether you can silently fill the role she's placed you in or leave.

But I don't think that's your real issue. I think your real issue is that one of these days you think she'll finally get up to the nerve to leave you. Yeah right now she can't be with just one guy, and there's safety in you being the other one. But one day she'll figure it out and I think your big fear is that you won't be part of that equation?

I pity her, but I'm disgusted by you. You've had years to to figure this out and now you want us to cosign your b.s. You have a family that depends on you providing some sense of stability and instead you're giving in to your own weakness. Its not her job to make you strong or to figure her own issues out on your timetable. If she were the woman you want her to be, you wouldn't have been with her in the first place.

LW, if you can't leave your wife, then shut up about it and take it like a man.