Has everyone lost sight of the sacred covenant of marriage? It is simply this: two people agree to commit themselves to each other for life. Emotional affairs are not allowed. That's cheating. It does incredible damage to the cheater's spouse, as evidenced by this man's painful letter and his attempts to rationalize his wife's behavior. Yes, love is maddening, but only if you allow it.

I imagine that, given her track record, the man's wife will never change. A lifetime of marriage counseling cannot change her compulsive behavior.

So he has one of two options --- stay for the sake of their 14-year-old daughter and be miserable or break it off and search for someone who is trustworthy.

It is really not that complicated.

Sometimes I got caught, sometimes I didn't. In some ways, I think a physical affair would be easier to deal with (easier, not easy). I've given in to physical desire, it's normal and human, albeit wrong ( I understand that now).

My wife and I negotiated what were proper limits for contact with others. She saw no problem with me flirting with my (ADULT!) students, as long as it didn't go further. She went into sales and was out late many nights. I asked that she always be in contact with me and stay with her group. She did. We both agreed that our absolute, deal-breaking limit was- we could never fall in love, say the word 'love' or act like it. If we did, there would be serious problems.

Then...all affection from her stopped when she found out she could not have kids with me. She shut down, wouldn't even lie in bed with me, etc. I went off on the weekends and got everything BUT intercourse from a variety of sources. I never got caught. I also never let it go past that line of using the word. She would've been pissed if she had known- but I was in pain, I was hurt.

Our marriage broke up because SHE crossed the line. You gotta set a line, one you both can live with- and if that line gets broken, DTMFA. The PI idea is good: call her on her bullshit, HAVE the video and audio, HAVE the text msgs printed out.

Veils, dance, we're all crazy? Are you friggin kidding me?

Aside from her lying and treating her husband with absolutely NO respect, she, more importantly, chose to jeopardize her relationship with not only her husband, but also her daughter. Her choices are for her with no consideration for her family.

She's getting high of this drama and needs to be smacked (not literally). The guy should turn the tables, grow some balls and DUMP THAT BITCH!

She will not change, and as hard a lesson as it will be for their daughter, at least the daughter will learn there are consequences for her actions and maybe, just maybe, not learn from her mother and continue the cycle.

An abusive man truly loves his wife and feels that by beating her he is helping her. Maybe he's just kinda crazy and has veils and needs to dance and express his inner needs too! Paaaleeese, this woman is abusing and hurting her husband and training her daughter to do the same to other men.

Break the cycle and make her decide between her family and her "man friends." The only way to help a junkie is to say NO.

Gay people, on the other hand, understand implicitly that adultery is primarily about emotional abandonment, about sharing with others romantic and intimate feelings that you are supposed to reserve for your partner. In most gay relationships I know, if you say you're "in love" with someone else, the relationship is over, CAPUT. Having sex with someone else is having sex with someone else. But being in love with someone else and carrying on with them romantically (even without sex)? That's an absolute abandonment of your primary relationship.

Speak for yourself, bucko. Trust me: if I slept with someone else then my partner would have me out the door before I knew what hit me. I can certainly believe that if you think otherwise, your friends generally would as well. Likewise, I think otherwise and my friends generally hold the same view. But doesn't it strike you as crazy that I should hold up my friends to tell you what all gay people act like and believe?

There are those who believe in the "sex with other people is OK so long as you don't fall in love" thing, but they're not all gay and not all gay people believe this. If you and your partner do, that's your business.

Mr.GWE,

As hard as it may be to stomach, you must come to terms with the probability that your wife has betrayed you physically, not just emotionally. It is hard to swallow I know, and it goes well beyond Clintonian obfuscation.

Your wife has carried on with these guys for years. She has deceived you. She has lied repeatedly. She has betrayed you with profound and intimate relationships with other men. Yet you insist she hasn't had any sex on the side based on the fact she said she didn't? Highly unlikely given the credibility of your source.

I don't know a single guy who would carry on a multiple-year "emotional relationship" with a woman without sex or the promise that he was going to get some soon. We are not talking office or personal friendships...we are talking phone sex, clandestine text messages, and who knows what else. If these guys are the dogs you say they are, and if your wife is as hot and naughty as she sounds, then it is impossible to imagine them not shagging.

LW,

if the two of you aren't happy with the current situation, then maybe you need to talk to her about monogamy, and how you define it, what it means to you, something about how you get there as a couple. sort of like a political alliance, with a new constitution.

hth

anonym