>>It seems to me you want all of her, but you're not going to get that.

Seems to me that the issue is mostly about "the depth of her deception." This is not an open marriage in any sense, because even when couples are able to work out their relationship while having deep sexual or emotional relationships with others, the word "open" is the operative term. This woman is NOT open. She lies, and continues lying in the face of proof to the contrary. This is not what ANY marriage is based on.

Frankly, it seems like your wife thrives on attention, deception, and your jealousy. I would be outraged if my significant other ever listened to my voicemail or viewed my text messages... the fact that she was not tends to make me think that she wants you to know exactly what is going on.

I am curious as to why you want to stay with this woman when she mind-fucks you like this. I think you really need to take some time to think about what YOU'RE getting out of this relationship. Apparently, her needs are being met on multiple levels. What about yours? You claim that you hate this feeling of constant jealousy and yet you play her games. You have two choices, it seems to me:

Either accept the fact that your wife needs these extramarital activities to be happy. Or, leave. You want to change her - she won't unless she wants to. And it really seems like she doesn't want to. Are you going to make yourself miserable for the rest of your life just because you love her? Love isn't always enough... a marriage is based on so much more.

And what about your daughter?

My parents fought a lot when I was a teen. They constantly threatened each other with divorce. It got to the point that I (as their only child) wanted them to finally just split up. It seemed to me that they weren't satisfying each other's needs (though, they too, loved each other). Not only were they inconsiderate of each other's needs, but they were of mine as well. Teens need stability - and your marriage is most definitely unstable. You need to see how all of this is affecting your daughter. Perhaps she is unaware... but kids are smart.

Basically, you and your wife are both being selfish. She wants what she wants no matter how much it hurts you. You want her to be yours and yours alone and do not accept the fact that she may not be a one-man woman. You're hurting yourself with your own selfish fantasy that she will come around.

I do not know if your selfishness is having a negative effect on your child - and it's your duty as a father to find out. If it is, you're going to have to make that choice, because it's just not fair to let a child grow up in such an unstable environment. Believe me, I know.

Bill is screwing you over no doubt about it. Fisrtly I'd warn him off in private. Tell him to stop fucking your wife. I think its better to accuse him of the worst possible scenario as it will scare him more if its really true and if its not then your overreaction will hopefully get some sort of confession.

Then just leave it for now and see what happens, if it gets better then your work is done. If not then without any other warnings turn up, with a friend if you want, and break his nose (and any anything else you may care to aswell).

I don't think you can change your wife but giving this schmuck a real beating will make you feel so much better and maybe make him think twice about doing this to any other guy

Just reading Charles Bukowski the other day and this letter reminded me of a line from one of his poems:

"It's okay to start off with a strumpet

but not to end up with one."

This woman has got you so wrapped up in her games that you can no longer see the obvious. You need to divorce this woman and find someone mature and grounded enough to not make these "special friends" outside of the marriage. She is taking advantage of your forgiving nature, and you deserve better than this. Let her go; you and your daughter will be much better off.

sorry cary, i'm usually with you but you lost me this time. there's nothing complicated here. this woman isn't respecting her husband's feelings and that's not what being married is about. if he wants to be a doof and let her abuse him emotionally and mentally then that's his perrogative. he's let her get away with it for this long, so in a sense, he's a party to it as well. maybe he gets off on the abuse too, who knows? but all of the poetic license in the world doesn't change the fact that there are certain things that simply shouldn't occur in a marriage, and there are certain sometimes irrational sounding demands that we make of our partners and that our partners out of respect and love for our feelings should willingly bow to. call me a prude but i can think of few situations where non-work related text messages to someone not your spouse are acceptable. as a society we need to get over ourselves. you marry someone, you make a commitment, you keep it. you don't screw around with someone else if it hurts your mates feelings. it's that simple. if you have all of these other emotional requirements that make you incable of keeping this type of commitment, don't be married. it just waters down the whole concept for the rest of us who are trying to get it right.

It was stipulated that she didn't actually cheat on him physicallly, so I will go on that premise. If she did, then if its a different story. The only reason that I say this is because physical cheating is a BRIGHT LINE violation. If you believe there is no way that she was not actually in a physical affair, and that she is just bullshitting him, then I agree with you, and the relationship is most likely done. But we don't know that she physically cheated on him.

I became aware of this "emotional affair" business fairly recently. I didn't know that you could have an "emotional affair" and still call it cheating. It seems like murky territory to me and I'm not sure how one can tell that something is an emotional affair, or if something is just jealousy or ups and downs in a relationship. It is usually what people call a platonic relationship. When does a platonic relationship go into an "emotional affair"? I really don't know. But I devised a new bright line-----if you are even thinking about cheating, then it is cheating. This is simply because even these thoughts can be DEVASTATINGLY HURTFUL to your spouse. It's that persons responsibility to cut off the relationship with the paramour, as much as possible, before it goes any farther. LW should break up with her for the simple reason that she has broken his trust, over and over, and doesn't appear to be capable of changing her hurtful ways. But people can change, and hopefully she will do so, and LW will stand up for himself.

I also wonder if this is just a product of the electronic age with a person just being a click away, rather than a written letter and post office away. I think people can get caught in these e-trysts because of the ease of communication, and the misperception that it e-flirting can't be hurtful to your spouse.

Without that bright line, it is hard to tell.