Read other letters about this article

• Tuesday, July 10, 2007 08:06 PM

  I was your wife

  Dear LW

  Lots of people will write in and say, dump her, she’ll never change. I will share my story with you because it offers hope but only a realistic brand.

  First – I think that your wife has had sexual affairs. She is only copping to what she has to cop to because she got caught. But men rarely if ever settle for mere emotional affairs with a woman who meets your wife’s description. In all the affairs I had (about 10 in an 18 year marriage), I never once made the first move. You could describe me in words similar to those you used to describe your wife. Men have always been drawn to me. They always made the first move. I just went along for the ride, enjoying the attention, enjoying being desired enjoying that they did all the heavy lifting (finding the places, buying me gifts, sending me messages) while I pretty much bopped along on my way, soaking it all up as if I were entitled to it.

  I almost got caught by my husband two different times. Each time I copped to what I had to cop to so that my husband would believe me and not suspect more. (Now I realize that he probably did, on some level, suspect more, but preferred to not question me unless I gave him a reason to, which usually I did not).

  But once I got caught by others. They couldn't prove anything an I wriggled out of it, and my husband believed me, but it scared me. I vowed, never again. I loved my husband. He’s a really great guy. What I was doing had nothing at all to do with him. Isn’t that horrible to say? It’s the worst truth to have to face when you are the one being cheated on – that it’s not about you at all. You are so totally not present in the affair and it’s reasons for being (don’t believe it that the cheated on always has responsibility for an affair – that Is not true.) I just didn’t think about my husband at all. I compartmentalized like a champion.

  Then after making this vow I embarked on a 2 year affair. And after that, another long-term affair that eventually ended my marriage.

  Then I got caught again. Again, I lied, and copped to a lesser crime. My husband believed me and wanted to stay together. But all that cheating had taken it's toll - on me, not him. The guilt became overwhelming. I couldn't stop thinking how he deserved better than me. I couldn't face the shame of all my indiscretions. I had to leave the marriage, and hurt him again.

  I went to a therapist. She is the first and only person I’ve told about my past. – all of it. It was unbelievably humiliating to admit to it. And then I set about doing the hard work to find out why I did something that went to counter to my values, my love for a good man, and my own self-respect. And after 3 years, I think I have a pretty good handle on the why. I also know that I will not do this again – ever. I am living consciously now, no longer a slave to deeply buried needs and automatic responses. I am through trying to solve the problems of my past with subterfuge with a man. I am done sexualizing the attentions of man. I no longer 'need' to be desired and adored at the expense of true emotional connection and real emotional honesty.

  So a cheater can change. But the cheater has to really want to change, and I’m sorry to say, your wife doesn’t seem to want to. She can't even be honest - I dont' believe for a second there hasn't been any sexual indiscretions.

  Your wife has a problem that will not be fixed until a) she recognizes it is a problem and b) she feels enough shame about the mismatch between her values and her actions to want to change.

  So if you want advice, here is mine: If you love her, and can stay with her despite catching her in flagrante delicto, then hire a PI. Get the evidence. During this time, go to John and threaten to beat the living crap out of him if he doesn’t stay away from your wife. He’ll probably start backing away from her, which will cause her to be even more aggressive – both with him, and his replacement (there will be a replacement – there will always be a replacement). When you finally confront her with the evidence, tell her she has a choice – tell you the whole truth, all of it,unvarnished, from the beginning of your marriage. If she can't do that, then she loses you and the kids. Give her a week to think it over, with a ceasefire on contacting the other men in her life (keep the PI assigned).

  This is what you do, all of the above, if you want to stay married. But in my view you probably should not want to stay married. How can you really be happy with this person who has no respect for you, who constantly lies to you, deceives you, and manipulates you? Face it - it’s not * John’s * face you really want to punch in – he’s just the current stand-in. If I were you, knowing what I know about your wife, I’d recommend a quick and bloodless divorce. I’d like to think she will admit to everything and show she is willing to do what it takes to change. But I think it will just be too much for her to admit to. I’m sorry for you, and I hope that you find happiness.

  —Anonymous
  Permalink
  Flag
  Click "Submit Flag" if you feel this post is inappropriate. Explain why below if you wish.

  Cancel