Letters to the Editor
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Call an Agricultural Digging Implement an Agricultural Digging Implement
LW states, "I don't think this is adulterous." Well, yes, actually, it is.
Cary states, "[Marriage] is a contract not between people but between souls." Well, marriage vows tend to take in the whole person, body, mind, heart and soul. And souls don't sign contracts, people do.
Also: "Of course your wife is acting crazy. That is to be expected." 'Scuse me? Why is that to be expected? The only reason the LW should expect it is not because of LUUURRRRVE, but because of his wife's unstable track record, and perhaps mental illness (e.g. manic-depression).
Cary also says, "Put more prosaically, she needs more attention from more men. I'm not sure there is anything wrong with that, per se." Now here's where Cary really doesn't get it. This is not about a woman craving the spotlight or basking in the admiration of male friends and acquaintances. It's the SECRECY with which she goes about these affairs (I'm not so willing to believe they were never physical, but that's a moot point in all this).
The wife acts fervently and in a clandestine manner. If she just craved attention, she could get it openly amongst friends in social settings without all the Sturm und Drang of the disappearances, phone calls, texting, and sudden confessions. How Cary translates acting appropriately in a marriage, even basking in others' attention, into a ball-and-chain of severed ties and closed windows is beyond me. How on earth does he justify the leap from social butterfly to adulteress?
The wife's problem goes much deeper than just wanting attention. It's not social--in fact it's anti-social, as it blatantly disrespects her husband and their marriage, not to mention their daughter's well-being.
The LW's problem is that he somehow still believes that this vivacious, sharp woman is worthy of his love and attention. He thinks he's somehow at fault, and there must be a fix in there, somewhere. I doubt it.
The wife is certainly setting a horrible example for their daughter, and the LW is doing the same by putting up with this behavior. He should find a therapist for himself to figure out why he puts up with so much abuse and doesn't believe he's worthy of a more stable, mature, reciprocal relationship.
Crazy, yes. But it ain't love. Give it a real name so you can start to define it accurately with open eyes and move on.