Letters to the Editor
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Newsflash: I would rather have my mom...
smoke pot than be an alcoholic. Dare is nothing but propaganda.
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I expected better from Cary
I've read the letter 3 times now, and can't find anything at all to indicate the Mom's "addicted" to pot. What she's addicted to is pain relief, something I can understand quite well, unfortunately.
Since a car accident 8 years ago, I've been in constant pain, and will be for the rest of my life. The doctors have done what they can, but the end result is I'll be gradually moving to stronger and stronger opiates, probably eventually ending up with my own built-in morphine pump.
I've already progressed up through 3 levels of opiates, as my body builds up a tolerance for them. I've started smoking pot daily, too. Pot is better at controlling my pain than even 30mg of hydrocodone (that would be the rough equivalent of 4 Vicodin tablets). It also lasts longer, works far faster, and has fewer nasty side-effects the next day. But most important, when I'm smoking (well, actually vaporizing) pot, I'm not increasing my tolerance to opiates! Instead I'm giving my body a break from them.
If our 16 year-old gave me a "pot or me" ultimatum, and we couldn't talk him down, he'd end up spending his Senior year at a boys-only boarding school in another state. Thankfully, that isn't a problem. Perhaps it's partly because he's always understood the DARE people would lie to him. We've never lied to him.
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Same Situation, Different "Choice"
What if the 15 year old had "found Jesus" and was demanding his mom become a Christian or he'd "leave"?
Same answer?
What's the difference?
Of course, I remember being 15, and it SUCKED. My parents did all kinds of things they didn't want me to do, some for reasons I could understand, and some for reasons I could not.
The passion, the anger, the frustration...these are just components of an adolescent's coming of age. Adolescents really are often convinced they know everything, and it's always easier to tell the other guy what he's doing wrong than to figure out WHY it bugs you so much.
That said, if mom is a mess and needs help, it makes no difference why. But I don't see any way a child's judgements, threats, and demands are going to help that problem.
Cary's answer seemed to assume that doper mom is neglectful. Perhaps she is, in which case his advice is great. But if this is just a disagreement about ethics and/or law, the stuff needs to be hashed out in a direct manner. Mom needs to explain what her situation is, and child needs to figure out how to come to terms with it. (I don't consider his "leaving" a realistic option.) And of course the LW/friend should tell doper mom what she thinks and how she feels. That's what friends do.
But come on, Cary. An ultimatum from a 15 yr old? Do you have any idea how ridiculous it sounds that you're just saying cave to it? What if it was an ultimatum from a 12 yr old? Or that toddler who threatens to hold his breath 'til he dies?
Being of civil libertarian bent, I'm of the mind that mom (with dad's agreement OR disagreement) needs to make clear to the son that there will ALWAYS be people in his life that don't behave according to his expectations and beliefs, and it's his responsibility to figure out how to grow up and deal with that reality. And maybe the son will turn mom in, and maybe she'll get sent away for a few years.
And THEN...THEN he'll know what it's like not to have a mom.
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Wait a minute...
So this woman is a hippy from way back and former Greatful Dead follower, but she just smokes pot to alleviate back pain? I have no real issue with medical marijuana, but addicts of all stripes make excuses. Her pain may(or may not be) be real but I wouldn't take everything a pothead says at face value.
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Pot and the 'burban mom
I think Cary more-or-less nails it when he suggests that the pot may not be the real issue, but that this mother may be wholly emotionally absent from her son. The son sees the pot as the root of the problem, whereas it may be more of a symptom. I would suggest that the mom make a solid commitment to abstain from pot for three years. During this period she could get some counseling and hopefully discover why she has checked out of life (and parenting). She and her husband could get some joint sessions (haha no pun intended) and try to get a little bit more on the same parenting page. Then, after that time, the straight-edge son can be soundly and resolutely packed off to college, where he can live in a DARE-themed frat house if he wishes, and the mother can continue to abstain or to reintroduce MODERATE pot use as she chooses.
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Going to Pot
I read the responses. Some say the mom is right and it's none of the kid's business and shame on DARE.
Ohhhhh please people - Get over your defense of "pot" as harmless. This isn't moderation - it is heavy use and quite dependent use. It is interferring with the relationships in a family and it is hurting people - most specifically a child.
If folks want to smoke pot from time to time, fine, but heavy activity with anything ... drugs, work, etc. can be detrimental to family relationships.
I am really tired of occasional users who don't want to become criminals defending heavy users of marijuana so it can become legalized or uncriminalized. It shouldn't be a crime. But alcoholics get treatment and so should heavy users of pot if it is disrupting lives. If marijuana is legalized perhaps people will get realistic about when the use is abusive. Occasional users are assuming this woman's experience is the same as theirs - it is not. If it is, then maybe these writers aren't so occasional with their pot smoking and their guilt shows up as defensive reaction...and blaming the victim - the child.
This kid misses his mom and he should - she's not there. It's not her own business - she gave that up when she had children.
It seems the smoke is in her eyes. Shame on the mom.
Andy