Letters to the Editor
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Maybe you need to light(en) up?
Cary, you really blew this one. You should have told that self-righteous interloper to butt out of her friends family drama. If the so-called friend feels so strongly about this non-problem she should volunteer to raise and support the judgmental little brat. I don't understand what the problem is? Smoking pot is neither self-destructive nor reckless. What is this mumbo jumbo about the kid wanting his mom back? No, this kid wants to control the adult, obvioulsy this little dictator has enough pull to pit he father against the mother and her her forced out for a few days. Why is the "friend" so critical of the mother choice of music, the fact that she does not work outside the home? What are her motivations?
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read the last paragraph, people...
Her question was not whether the mother has a problem, it was whether she should confront the mother about it.
This isn't about whether marijuana should be legal (it should), whether it's an effective pain medicine (for many people, it is), whether it's less addictive and less harmful than vicodin (it is), whether this woman has substance abuse problems (the LW seems to think so), or whether D.A.R.E. is a crock of shit (it is).
There seem to be some deeper issues in this family than the mother enjoying a joint every now and then (or even every day).
The parents hid her drug use from their son while sending him to a school with the D.A.R.E. program (which, incidentally, they could have publically objected to and probably could have gotten him excused from). They let him believe that they support what the policeman in the school says and don't tell him that Mom currently smokes a lot of marijuana right in his own home. So it comes as a big shock to him when he's 11 or 12--can you blame the kid for being upset and hurt?
Then, she baits her son. OK, she got the medical certificate and now her pot's legal--but why, if it were for her back pain, did she not do that as soon as it became an option? Why does she leave her pipes in the dirty laundry when she knows her disapproving son is DOING THE LAUNDRY? Why does she now smoke in the yard (where the neighbors can see) and call it "not smoking in the house"? That's a wee bit adolescent right there, not to mention passive-aggressive.
Then there's the issue of Dad. All we get of him is that he has a respectable job that pays the bills and that he's recovering from foot surgery. Oh, and when confronted with a teenager's threat to run away from home, he makes Mom move out for a few days. Uh...that's a little weird.
And then there's the younger son. We don't know what effect all this is having on him.
Is the 15-year-old being a judgmental little bastard. Oh, probably. He's 15. Does he probably feel like he has to be the adult in the family when he wants to be a kid and enjoy screwing around and rebelling and experimenting with mild recreational drugs himself? Probably. Cut him some slack.
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when are we going to get threaded comments?
that is all
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Trouble Is
The trouble with pot is that it effects your plesure centers. Over time, you really don't want to do anything unless you are stoned. You smoke it every two hours or so.
I was drawn to this article because I faced the exact circumstances described: I have a fifteen year old son I feel drifting away and I smoked too much pot.
I gave it up for my son. I had to let him know that I loved him more than pot. I don't know why it was so important to him other than he was worried about me.
It seems these years are particularly important in his psychological development and my smoking "disturbed" him. Thank you DARE and draconian drug laws.
Maybe I'll take it up again when he leaves home, but giving up the ghost for 3 more years seems worth it. It reduces my son's anxiety. He does need his mommy.
Besides, I smell better and have more money.
On the other hand, I only smoke because of existential angst. Physical pain is a whole nother story. Maybe the MOM could explain that to her son. It's a wholistic pain reliever.
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What if Pot or Alcohol werent in the picture?
What if the kid threatened to turn the mom into the cops for child abuse for making him eat his brocoli or something?
That "Dare" Brainwashing is really really bad. They encourage every kid to try to snoop around their parents stuff to find something to turn them in to the police for, its right out of Orwells 1984---
I mean he first threatened to involve the police to get his way when he was 10 for chrissakes... where will it stop if you let your kid get whatever they want by threatening you with arrest and imprisonment, what kind of son does that?
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testing-testing-testing -- yes, the 15-year-old is testing and attempting to create a make-or-break crisis ...
unless this is a monumentally immature 15-year-old with no friends -- ferchrissake, at least SOME of his friends and acquaintances and classmates are smoking pot and doing drugs ... I'm still unsure what his objections to mom's pot smoking "really" are -- dinner's late, I'm afraid to bring my friends over, I'm ashamed of my mother -- but IF (big if) he is genuinely this frightened of pot and other recreational drugs, I think there may be other issues.
Smoking pot and drinking beer and a bit of reckless driving are all part of normal adolescent experiementation. Sonny needs to learn to respect other people's choices, including his peers, including his parents. He doesn't get to make the rules, with his parents or his friends. He can make all the rules regarding himself he wants, but he needs to know that won't protect him, even from breaking his own rules.
As has been pointed out, in her letter, LW seems to fundamentally disapprove of this MOM -- "enjoying" having a "wacky" or an old "true" friend can conceal a great deal of disapproval. I hope she will consider this before she offers anyone any advice. LW seems to believe that the son's preferences/demands/concerns have legitimate weight here. All I can say is, I.don't.think.so. Families are not democracies with everyone getting to vote, much less make ultimatums.
It's possible he has some legitimate concerns wrt mom, but frankly he's a kid. He's going to graduate from high school any day now and soon he'll be on his own. [as presented, for whatever reason, there's no evidence he has any compassion or respect for her, her choices, her right to do things he disapproves of, etc.]
My guess is that he has some legitimate concerns about his own self (normal for that age) and his problem with "mom" is subterfuge. It's possible that he "just wants attention" -- it's also possible that he REALLY REALLY REALLY NEEDS some attention. He's really trying to force the issue and he needs to have that power taken away from him -- unless his PARENTS decide, for instance, that a time out/away, military school, outward bound or bible camp is a good compromise solution -- it's their decision.
If LW can refrain from prying and/or criticising (doubful) she could be a much needed ear ... but I think she should butt out and encourage Dad to step up to the plate. Regardless of how long y'all have been friends, he's "not your kid."