Letters to the Editor
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Sympathy for the mom
I don't think it's necessarily clear that the son is right. I was in the D.A.R.E. program myself as a 5th grader, and they have perfected the art of scaring kids shitless. They get them early enough that tales of ruined lives / car wrecks / crack whoredom make a big impression, enough to give a 10 year old some awful nightmares. And they push "zero tolerance" so hard that it's difficult for kids to distinguish between junkie horror shows and Mom having a glass of wine.
It sounds like the mom's pot smoking has become problematic, but it also seems like the son is making unreasonable threats, while showing zero compassion for her pain issues. According to the LW, the mom truly is in pain, with quote, "unholy back problems." She fears addiction to pills. And truthfully, for people who are forced to make the awful choice between dependency and constant pain, there are worse choices than marijuana.
The LW also indicates that the son would discover his mom's continued use by finding a pipe or whatever: "the son discovered a pipe, in-your-face evidence that Mom still smokes." In other words, the son may not have realized his mom was still smoking until he found evidence. It doesn't sound like she is baked and despondent all day. While Cary's description of a checked out mom is poignant, it may not be reality.
Mom shouldn't lie to her kid, but it also strikes me as reprehensible that a teenager would threaten to leave unless she submits to his view of right and wrong. To me, these demands and threats and power plays are only defensible if the teen's life has become intolerable -- for example, if mom were a raging alcoholic -- but it's not at all clear to me that her pot smoking has become a comparable offense.
The matter of what mom should do is, unfortunately, a different story. She may be forced to submit to these demands and manage her pain with legal drugs, or simply take nothing, for the sake of her family. It sounds like she might benefit from addressing her dependency on marijuana -- and it may be her only option anyway. But I still think it's extremely unfortunate that the kid is having this overblown reaction, and I think it's unfair of us to judge the mom as a neglectful, selfish junkie when it's not at all clear that it's the case.
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Pot should be legal
But that doesn't mean that this mom doesn't have a problem. Sounds like she might smoke a bit too much - i.e. it's an addiction, not just a fun diversion.
Sometimes it can be tough to distinguish between addiction and recreational use. But I always liked the rule of thumb - "If you think it's a problem -- it's a problem.". It sounds like the mom has already even acknowledged the problem (i.e. getting therapy, trying different ways to quit) so she does admit it's a problem. So it's a problem.
I do believe pot should NOT be illegal. However, whether pot is legal or not is not the issue here. The issue is whether the pot-smoking is a problem. Sounds like it may be.
For THIS particular person, I think quitting pot completely sounds like the right course of action. At least for a few years. (Until the kid gets out of the house at the very least).
ANONYMOUSE 1
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Dare to Be a Responsible Parent
I'm not a fan of DARE, and I agree it can go overboard. That's why children need their PARENTS to put illicit and licit drug use into perspective. This can't be done by a parent who's flaunting the law and putting her own infantile/addictive needs ahead of her son's welfare.
My 20-yr-old son knows that I smoked grass waaaayyyy in the past (haven't in decades), and also understands that times were different then--laws weren't so draconian, the stuff you got wasn't usually dangerous--it was a somewhat different scene. My son's well on his way to becoming a journalist, and understands that there's NOTHING like that (drugs, alcohol) that's worth risking his budding career for. He's savvy enough to get that any missteps on his part will wreck what he's striving for and has accomplished to date.
My 15-yr-old had an inadvertent introduction to grass (sorta did a Bill Clinton) when he was 12. He understands that he got into a whole lotta trouble (long story, things are okay now), and seems to have learned his lesson. He also understands that his future isn't worth risking.
I don't use illicit drugs, and hardly drink at all (i.e., never at home; an occasional glass of wine with dinner out, when I'm not driving). I don't have to lecture them, because they observe my own behavior and know how prudent I am about these things. We do talk about them occasionally, nonetheless.
To the poster who said that a 15-yr-and-older son doesn't need his mother: Are you totally ignorant?! Sons need their mother at any age, as she's the primary example of how they'll treat women in the future. If a mother demands respect while showering love and affection, and models work habits and personal behavior, that's what they'll expect from and admire in the girls and women with whom they have relationships.
In this case, it's really up to the FATHER to put his cojones to use and get directly involved to demand that the mother either cease and desist and/or get addiction treatment (yes, I know, not all potheads are addicts). He should put his foot down so that she gets her act together--only then can they have an open and honest discussion with their son about drug use, why people do it, why it's potentially very stupid and ruinous, and the effects of different drugs.
Kids absorb parents' behavior. Yes, the kids can be a pain, and even judgmental, but it's up to the parents to guide their children's judgments and act in a way that doesn't jeopardize the family via felony convictions, impaired intellect, selfish and self-absorbed narcissistic behavior, and the like.
It's called being a responsible parent. Both mother and father here have the son's well-being and future at stake. Yes, it really is a choice between the pot and her son.
She'd better grow up fast and comprehend the potential outcomes and consequences. Her Deadhead days should be over--she can have some fun by just wearing the t-shirts.