Letters to the Editor
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What to say...
My mom was a total pothead and drug user when I was 15. I smoked pot with her pretty frequently, as well as taking the drugs that she doled out: Valium, codeine, vicodin, pot, thai stick, PCP. I drank with her. I smoked heroin with her a couple of times. I drove the car so that she could go over to my uncle's house and smoke crack with him.
Then I grew up. I quit drinking and I quit doing drugs when I was 24. When I was 32, I had my first child. Since then, my relationship to my mother has been shrinking steadily. The first rule was that she couldn't watch the kids unless my dad was home because she couldn't be trusted not to light up. (She proved this by lighting up while watching the kids.) Then she couldn't be trusted to watch the kids at all because she got high beforehand. My children can't go to her house now because she leaves pot sitting around and the youngest found and tried to eat a baggie of it. She's overdosed twice in the last two years - once on valium and once on Oxycontin, both prescribed by her doctors for pain problems and "nerves." We're pretty much down to birthdays and Christmas for seeing grandma, even though I live within 15 miles of her.
This family doesn't sound like it has the kind of problems that my family has.
I would ask the mother in this situation whether she wants to have this relationship with her son. Sure, the kids is being an asshole, but why is it worth it to the mom? Why is pot so important? Why won't a glass of wine and some prescription painkillers do the job for her? Why is it worth it to lose her kid? The son is going to start controlling whether he wants to be in a relationship with her pretty soon.
I would ask the son whether he wants to have this relationship with his mother. Sure, she's being irresponsible, but why is it worth it to the kid? Why is the pot-smoking so important? If she's a good mom otherwise, the kid needs to lighten up. He needs to ask himself whether this bad behavior worth losing his relationship with his mother? He's 15. He's 36 months away from moving our permanently. He just needs to bide his time. He will be able to control whether he wants to be in a relationship with her pretty soon.
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Educators reading this, listen up!
Set aside the LW's questions for the moment. Educators, please notice how much trouble a ham-handed DARE educator caused.
My ex-husband was a serious alcoholic, and I was doing pretty well in getting my first and third graders to understand why we had to leave--without either demonizing their dad or lying to them about anything, and without panicking the kids.
Until the *%!$*!&* elementary school health program shoved some sort of anti-drinking crusade on them, and they both came home from school one day in a serious panic that their dad was going to die and that we had to do something RIGHT AWAY to save him!!!!
It took me months to get them calmed down, and it pushed them into having to deal with family-member-guilt conflicts much earlier than necessary and at a time when they were dealing with the split itself. (Before they understood how dangerous serious alcoholism is, they didn't feel any need to take responsibility what seemed to them at the time to be, for example, their dad's odd sleeping habits.)
As much as I could find out about the program at their school, it was delivered with no sense that any of the children might have these issues active in their homes. This all happened maybe 10 years ago and I'm still angry.
Many of the responders notice how self-righteous 15-year-olds are, and how likely they are to go overboard with sensitive information. For chrissake, educators, know that many of the kids you are talking to have challenging home situations and take that into account!
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This A Subject That Will Haunt Us All for Life
I've dealt with this issue in some way, shape or form almost all of my life, as most people have I guess.
First off, let me say that I smoked some dope waaaaaay long ago, and was one of those people who were just unimpressed - and it wasn't because it was cheap stuff. It just made me slightly paranoid, slightly off and then made me conk out for 12 hours. (Now that I have a wicked period of insomnia I have thought about those experiences, but two Benadril conk me out too and it is legal.)
I can't claim any moral high ground for not smoking pot. It just worked out that way. No other drugs were ever considered. However, I DID get addicted to cigarettes. Flash forward to having kids. We buy a house. My husband also smokes. We agree on a policy. No smoking in the house, no smoking in the car when the kids are in the car. When the kids get older, that's not good enough. They want us to quit. Our smoking embarasses them. They worry about our health. I agree on the health issue. I quit many times over the years (one period of nonusage lasts for seven years). I am about to embark on my sixth try to make it permanent. It doesn't become a power struggle because I know they are right. My husband simply hides his cigarette use. To him it is easier than rubbing it in their faces. Eventually he is "hiding" so much that he is virtually not smoking. When all is said and done, I admire them for their principles. They grow up and leave the house.
I talked to them about drugs. Especially pot. I tell them that getting busted could scratch their chances of getting Federal loans for school. I tell them I think some people DO get too dependent on the stuff, but that it is useful for certain ailments, and not to judge too quickly when you discover an older person still using pot. I tell them that some people start self-medicating with pot when they are depressed (not knowing they are depressed) when they try to keep from drinking, not knowing they are replacing one addiction for another. But I also told them that they don't have to accept the effects of usage. They have a choice about whether or not they want to hang around a person who uses pot.
From what I can see from this letter, the mom has problems with pot, both physical and mental. She made promises she can't keep and is blustering around for an excuse. She is being put under outside pressure, which has NEVER worked with an addict and I'm surprised that Cary doesn't understand that. Maybe he doesn't think you can be addicted to pot, but I think she is, because of her long history of use and now because of her back pain. Unfortunately she is not going to hit rock bottom the way an alcoholic might, unless of course her son walks out the door, but then many alcoholics lose their families and still don't quit drinking, right?
I sympathize with both the mother and the son. But I think the son needs to learn that there are things he cannot control entirely and this is one of them. If he really thinks leaving home is the best option for HIM, then maybe he will have to follow through with it. If he stays he might have to throw down some rules of his own. No driving with mom when she's stoned. No going to the mall together when she's stoned. No bringing over friends when mom is stoned. He can still have some control over his life without condoning his mom's habit. He can do this. He can take some control instead of shaking his fists at the sky and shouting that it is raining on his parade.
I don't think the mom is saying "fuck you" by not quiting. She's a human, not an icon. When we are infants and children, the world is all about us. It has to be, because we are utterly dependent on our parents. Then we grow up and make our own decisions and our own lives. A good parent knows this and lets go, gradually. Maybe this kid needs to start letting go of his parents too, a little sooner than most, but I think he can still live in the same house while he's doing it.
And, yeah, the husband REALLY needs to get more involved in this.