Letters to the Editor
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Are you sure about the nature of the relationship?
Has it occurred to anyone else that "Mom" may not be the girl's mother? Where does "Mom" sleep?
The age difference doesn't have to be all that great to make this convincing. An ex of mine only 12 years older than I was once assumed to be my mother. I looked younger, she sometimes looked older.
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Get YOUR Parent in There!
Dear LW,
since they think it's cute to have their mom living there, and it's obvious the roommate isn't sick, I would have my mom or dad stay over the weekend of my trip. I would also talk to the roommate and mother as Cary suggested. It's just ODD that the mother believes she can just stay when her daughter isn't THAT ill....
Be diplomatic, but it is a bit weird...good luck!
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Gut Feelings
One of the main things I got from this letter was a sense from the LW that something wasn't on the 'up and up.' Let's just be paranoid for a second here.
Trust those gut feelings.
Let me say that again. Trust those gut feelings. Always. This trust of your own instincts is important, whether you're at a party, on vacation, walking down the street, or sitting in your own home. Period. Trusting those feelings can keep you from getting hurt. That's all there is to it. Women, alas, can be especially bad about not trusting those instincts for the sake of being polite. (Pardon the massive generalization.)
Never cop to 'being polite' or worry about looking like a bad guy or feeling foolish. The hell with that. These people are overstepping their boundaries, yes. These people are making you uncomfortable, even if you can't exactly put your finger on why that's so. It doesn't matter if you can't quite state why (although frankly, the undisclosed "illness" and the lack of communication about leaving really is enough). It doesn't matter. Something is wrong. You know it in your gut. Listen to that.
Call the landlord and the roommate who is responsible for this situation. Your original roommate needs to be informed that this is happening, that it is his/her responsibility, and that you are not comfortable. The landlord needs to be there when you talk to these people and help you enforce the departure of the mom. (And here's a thought: what happens when you leave? Will mom be back when no one is looking? The landlord needs to know about this problem. Remember that you're on the lease. If the house is damaged in some way, guess who gets to pay for it? YOU.)
The hell with all this business about cultural differences or being tolerant. Seriously, the hell with that. This situation isn't about that. It's a business arrangement gone wrong.
And you feel like something isn't right. So much so that you're thinking about foregoing your own summer plans. That says something is wrong. Take steps to stop it. Don't worry about being a 'jerk.' Protect yourself. I know this all sounds slightly paranoid, but dang, better to be paranoid than lose your belongings, have to pay for a wrecked apartment, have to live with these people until YOU move, or have to give up your sense of security and well-being. That's not fair or right.
Being polite without boundaries is a bad idea. Be firm. Be kind. Get the mother out. Get the landlord involved. Get your roommate to take some responsibility. Then, you can have a peaceful summer without all this crap.
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Whatever you do, do it soon!
The longer you wait, the more her Mom's presence will seem like the new normal.
Talk to the subletter when Mom's not around and try to find out what's going on. Ask her about her illness -- if it's really as serious as her Mom says, what should you do if she suddenly gets sick? What are her plans for the summer? And, finally, how long is her Mom planning to stay with her?
If daughter tells you Mom's visit has a firm end date in the near future, wait her out. If daughter tells you that Mom is planning to stay longer or is vague about when she's leaving, go with the sublet agreement Cary mentioned. It may even be possible that your subletter would like her Mom to go home but doesn't feel up to a confrontation about it; in that case, the two of you will be natural allies.
However, be aware that Mom may have different ideas about how long she's staying than her daughter does. If the subletter tells you that her Mom is, say, definitely leaving on Wednesday but Mom's still around on Friday, go official on them as Cary suggested.
Also, if you're going to be out of town for the weekend, lock up all your stuff in a bedroom, a closet, or in some other securable area.
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Grow a spine
LW, grow a spine and kick the two women out. I mean, DUH.
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What does "sick" mean?
The illness may be psychiatric. In fact, it seems likely. Despite what the culture thinks, people with psychiatric disorders don't lurch around drooling or run around naked setting fires. The daughter may have a personality disorder and have difficulty coping with the world, without it being immediately apparent to others. Thus mom's overprotection might make some sense (whether good for her or not).
I wonder how old these people are. It amazes me how people in their late 20s and early 30s act as if they're 18.
I was shocked at Cary's hostility towards "moms". Shouldn't that have been "SOME moms"? Is he implying "they're all like that, selfish, manipulative bitches"? If so, isn't that kind of scary, as if he hates all women who have given birth? Yes, I know a few women who are like this, but only a few. The vast majority of mothers aren't this sick. In fact, most aren't sick at all. They do the best they can for their children, even after they grow up. The venom and vitriol in this passage made me squirm. "Mothers are all manipulative" - well, then, "columnists are all insensitive, vindictive and cruel".
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Time to level
Sorry Amerigo, Farmgirl, Chulita, and everyone else insisting that Americans are just paranoid inhospitable whiners--this has red flags all over it. These people are being inconsiderate, evasive and manipulative. It would be different if they'd been even a little upfront about their plans.
First, wow, I can't even imagine how charming someone would have to be on the phone to sublet to her without meeting. But evidently, the roommates did that, not the LW. So first, get in touch with your roommates immediately and find out what EXACTLY the subleasing agreement entailed.
At least in my area, subleases are usually allowed by landlords but don't usually end up being arranged through the proper channels. If you have a good relationship with your landlord, he/she would be the first person I'd go to to clarify what you may be able to do. But if you don't, or if the sublease wasn't formalized properly, you could end up getting yourself fined.
I'd suggest sitting down for a very clear talk about what your expectations were regarding who was moving in, and how the current situation is in violation of that and while you're sympathetic to the girl's illness, is not what you agreed to and cannot continue indefinitely. You have to do this in an utterly calm, firm, administrative and adult manner. And I know how hard it is when you're being made to feel like the crazy unreasonable one. So get backup--don't do it alone for the sake of both your sanity and safety--a friend or neighbor or parent, whatever it takes for you to feel safe and supported. They have to know that it is NOT negotiable that the mother set a date to leave, and that you won't be passively bullied.
And unfortunately, the particular talent of people like this is evasion of a sit-down-and-talk situation.
Lastly, everyone, read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. Thesis: your intuition is there to keep you safe. If your gut tells you a situation is wrong, it probably is, so treat it like it is.