Letters to the Editor
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what's the big deal?
Seems like a lot of overreaction to a houseguest staying in another room for one week.
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Take Cary's advice
Definately take Cary's advice---it's brilliant. His suggestion isn't personally offensive towards the two women but they should still get the message loud and clear.
Also, the LW should act NOW, especially if the 2 women are of a different culture since their concept of a "visit" may be completely different that what the LW is thinking.
For example, I have an friend from India who told me she was excited that her mother was coming to visit. To my surprise, I later found out that her mother was planning on staying with my friend for 6 months! My friend actually had to move to another apartment with more space because of her mom's "visit", yet she viewed this type of extended visit as completely normal, and her response to it a filial necessity, etc. Yikes!
Actually, the situation sounds worse than a simple cultural misunderstanding---it smells like a big ol' rat, especially with the bizarre excuse of the daughter having some mysterious illness.
Toss them out NOW.
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She's invaded <i>your</i> private life; she doesn't get to hide behind hers.
The mothers vs. con artists analagy was birlliant. To other response wrters: don't forget that at the end Cary points out that he's not saying the mother/daughter are nefarious. But he's saying they are obviously dangerous, if nothing else, by how utterly mindless they are of anyone else but themselves. These are people who wouldn't steal your jewelry, but they might for exaple invite a host of new acquaintances over to the house for a drink when you're gone. And who knows what they'd do. Thier obliviousness (at best) makes them at elast somewhat untrustworthy. I wouldn't be terrifed of leaving, but i'd be "uncomfortable", as the LW states.
I also agree there's something fishy about the whole sick excuse. While demending to know just what's wrong with her may sound at first like an insensitive demand on her privacy, if her illness is intruding on your life, you have a right to know what's going on! She's brought her mother and her "illness" into your home. If she's intruded that much on your private life with her "illness" then she's not in fact that shy about it. You damn well have a right to know her full excuse so you can judge for yourself. (This from someone who has been in the seriously ill category myself.)
For starters, I'd demand to know that this "illness" is. If they refuse to tell, kick them out however you need to. "Innocent" or not, these are not people you want to waste your time dealing with.
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been there
I have been in this situation, though with a guy and his mom.
I ignored that feeling in the pit of my stomach, esp. since he was someone who went to college where I went.
I came back from a weekend away and half my stuff was GONE. He rifled my closet, taking sweaters and shirts he liked. He took things that had little actual value but had huge sentimental value to me (a foountain pen, books, pretty much whatever he liked). I was SICK.
I was only nineteen, very naive, and didn't think to call the cops. Now I know exactly what I should have done.
But DO NOT leave your house and your possessions alone with these people. You have NO IDEA who or what they are, and their behavior so far is hardly on the up-and-up, whatever their reasons.
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Fairness
I haven't read all the letters, but no one so far has mentioned that two people consume more resources than one. Presumably the mother is using the shower, toilet, electricity, etc., but the daughter is only paying one portion of the utilities . This is grossly unfair to the LW, especially if this stay seems open ended. Why should the LW subsidize the extra person who has no relation to her? If the mother ends up staying, the utility bills need to be divided by the number of actual people, including mom, and the sublettor pay accordingly.
Basically, the LW needs to suck it up, and confront, in a polite way, using Cary's suggestions or by explaining the above.
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it an inconvenience, but you should
Suck it up, as the girl is apparently sick, and this is a minor inconvenience.
Sometimes you have to suck it up and do the right, yet pain-in-the-butt thing. This is one of thoes times. As another poster said, you might even try to be a cheerful presence in their rough time.
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You're not really a 'host'
You're really closer to a 'landlord'. Welcome to the real world. Now suck it up and act like a grownup. Yeah isn't it amazing that the world isn't an MTV reality show with a houseful of 27 year old drunken drama queens.
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Most importantly, be an adult
I think the problem is that the LW is at that point when you're old enough to sign contracts and live by yourself (or with roommates) but still can't assert yourself as an equal to someone like this mom.
Be an adult. Ask yourself, if you can't think of another way, how would an adult handle this situation? How would my mom or dad handle it (ironically)? Then do that. Assert yourself as an equal to this mom, not as a college who isn't serious or who can be taken advantage of simply by age/mom-status.
I don't think your mom would just sit in her room and wonder what to do. She would calmly, politely, but firmly lay down the law, and negotiate a solution that works for everyone as best as it can. Align your interests with theirs -- come up with a common goal. Cary's idea of the roommate agreement is perfect, because then you're not the villain, you align yourself with them.
Since they're subletting, you are their landlord, not your landlord. If they want to speak with your landlord, tell them that the contract is with you and your fellow regular roommates, not the landlord.
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Stinks all over
I had to reread the LW's letter for clarity -- she doesn't say anything about a formal sublet agreement, and in my experience, such short term sublets are informal and by verbal agreement anyways. I doubt that the subletter really has anything like a legal document. It also sounds to me like this is maybe a college town and the LW and her original roomies are grad students or something.
A subletters actual legal rights vary by state and community. First I would determine if she has any actual contract, then I would go to Legal Aid (if this is a college town, there is probably one around somewhere) and ask EXACTLY what the subletters rights are in this matter. (Even squatters in some communities can have a lot of rights.) If this is the case (severe warning if the LW lives in, say, Berkley, California!), then the subletter may not even go when the original roommates return!
I am in complete agreement that this mother-daughter pair has overstepped the boundaries of roommates/subletters by moving in the mother. It seems clear the mom is not "staying a few days" but never intends to leave. Remember, the daughter is a college grad, so over 22 years of age, a legal adult! She's not a scared 18 year old freshman, she could be married, etc. Someone that age should not require "an escort" or parent around all the time....I don't care WHAT THE HELL goes on in Guatemala or India, because this is the US, and this is not how we live here. When I visit those countries, I respect their customs, and when citizens of those places visit the US, they need to comply with OUR local customs. (Besides, this is a bogus excuse, the LW never says they are some kind of oddball foreigners, and I assumed they were Americans.)
I've tried to think about what sort of illness would be so severe as to require a 22 year old woman to have her mother present AT NIGHT, but allow her to work and go to parties ALONE. That is the most suspicious and questionable thing at all -- it's what I call a "shut up clause" -- one of those things people say or claim that are so intimidating that they cause the questioning party to immediately shut up. Most of the illnesses that other posters have suggested the subletter might have (MS, asthma, allergies, etc.) are really not the kind of illness that would require a 22 year old to have to be by their mother's side at night....I mean, what's with the nighttime requirement?
The best I can come up with, the only thing that fits actually, is some kind of mental illness. Possibly the subletter had some kind of bout of depression, mild or severe, and her helicopter mommy feels she needs to stick around. Even so, this is somewhat invalidated by the idea that the subletter can go to parties and work OK, but just not be alone at night.
That leads to my real conclusion: while these are not a pair of ax murdering con-artists (as Cary has hyperventilated), I think they are plain old-fashioned moochers. It's probably not the daughter who is troubled, but the mom -- maybe she's just out of the hospital or divorced and needs a place to stay. Since you are not actively bellyaching, and she's "shut you up" by using the "my daugher's sick!" clause, she can now settle in and stay in your apartment all summer (and who knows how long after that!) WITHOUT PAYING A DIME IN RENT.
Two tenants for one rent -- nice deal if you can get it!
So -- my advice (and it's always better than Cary's) is this: find out exactly the legal situation (leases, sublets in writing, local laws) and then if possible, THROW THEM OUT. They are rude, inconsiderate people with no concern for others.
If you don't do this, please do not be surprised when later this summer, Daddy shows up....or Aunt Sue...or all her brothers and sisters....because you have already demonstrated you are a patsy for this kind of thing.